The First Date

Have you really taken a second to think about all that goes into a first date, the things that can come out of this date, or how your life may forever be ruined over 1-3 hours of your time?  You haven’t … go ahead … I’ll wait.

Done … aight.

Its like a job interview. You might not want the job in the end … but you might not like the people and they might not like you, a better offer might come up … or you may realize the girl interviewing you looks so good you would have a sexual harassment suit on you within 3 months of the job its just not what you want.  Nonetheless … you want them to want you.

A first date is the same thing … no matter whether or not you want them … you want them to want you.  Lets face it … we are all personally power hungry control freaks want to control our destinies … so if anyone is not gonna get called back … it’s gonna be them … not you.

So … here is where I introduce … “The Performance”.

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Your boy SBM is a chameleon of sorts … not fake … not an impostor … but I am pretty good at reading the personality and traits of another person and acting accordingly. Example:

*At Morton’s attempting to ask the hostess why me and my date have been waiting for 20 minutes for my reservation*
“Miss … I’m sorry … but we have been waiting over 20 minutes for a reservation I made a week ago. Can you please get us seated of call over your manager?”

*At the local carryout waiting on my 3 wings and fries with Mumbo Sauce at 2 am … while someone falls asleep in the shop … hustle man is selling bootleg DVDs (including porn) … and some high schooler is beating his feet*
“B*TCH … Where is my gotdamn food?” … said while attempting to throw chair through the bullet proof glass.

Do you see how I successfully took used varied approaches in order to obtain the desired result in two very different situations?  Call it a benefit of being in the nice part of the hood, or doing the good program at a bad school, or just going to a PWI with a lot of black folk … either way … being multifaceted is a life skill.

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Back to the date …

On a first date … I am a showman (or I at least aim to be).  I have had situations where as soon as I see the girl I think “f*ck”, or as soon as she engages me in more than 15 minutes of non phone communication I’m ready to shoot myself in the eye … or even worst … she comes close to say hello and give me a hug … and you almost pass out because of the B.O. and bad breath combination want to hand her a tic tac.

No matter the reason … no matter that I have mentally disqualified her within 5 minutes of meeting … irregardless of the fact that I promise myself to never get a number in a dark club again and insist on being sent pictures to my phone … I have one goal for the rest of the night … to be everything she wants in a guy.

I know this can’t just be me …

Once I have committed myself to this first real encounter … then I’m gonna put my whole a$$ into it (because we know half-a$$ing through life gets us nowhere) … even if my a$$ would make a better date.

Now … SBM is no shallow man … not at all.  Looks is one thing that can cause this … but its usually some personality defect.  Good ones include:

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*Early signs of gold-diggery (“What do you mean you don’t have a Bentley? I mean … a 745 at least … right”)
*Body odor and/or bad breath
*Stupidity (“Wait … so Obama really isn’t a muslim terrorist?”)
*Talking about ex (“Hey SBM … My boyfriend’s brother’s middle name was SBM. My boyfriend was a real family man”)
*Sudden surprises (“Didn’t I tell you I had 5 kids over the phone? Oh … must have slipped my mind”)

So what do you do when you encounter any of these things and your first thought is to push them in the face and run home leave through the bathroom window … smile … and charm their socks off!

Am I alone? Do you share the same commitment to “The Performance” that is the first date … no matter how bad the co-star? Is it “unfair” to pretend to be interested as you delete their number out your phone under the table?

Tell me …