Recently, on “For the Love of Ray J”, Brandy’s brother faced a dilemma all too familiar to brothers. He brought his last three remaining potential publicity stunts girlfriends to meet his homies, so that they could help him make a decision. Upon introducing Unique, Cocktail, and Danger to the homies, the ladies went to mingle and get to know his friends, which included Warren G and Tom Greene. From the start, Danger seemed to fit in a little too easily. When grilled by Ray-Js homies, we found out that Danger slept with one of Ray J’s friends years ago, and dated another! This caused his friends to let him know by dropping the official “Danger smashed the homies” rap track, lol. “She smashed the homies” became a household phrase overnight, as Ray J had to decide whether Danger having intimate knowledge of his inner circle would factor negatively against her in his decision. This hilarious episode automatically sparked my interest to explore how men arrive at this difficult decision and answer the question: “Can you make a woman your girlfriend if she had sex with your friend prior to meeting you?”
In order to properly explore this situation, we must define “The Homie”. The homie is NOT an acquaintance. There’s a clear difference between “The Homies” and “my dudes”. This Ray-J situation sent the corporate office and the hood alike in a frenzy. At my barbershop, life’ issues and current events get discussed in the most hilarious and hood format possible. Two of my barbers had a debate over who they liked on the show. One barber said he liked Unique, which had the barber shop going crazy. A majority of barbers and customers rode with either Danger or Cocktail. When the Danger vs. Unique argument presented itself, he made a valid case:
Barber #1: I fux wit Unique. Danger?! She smashed the homies!!
Barber #2: Come on fam, on straight looks Danger > Unique.
Barber #1: It doesn’t matter son. She smashed the homies! Danger?! She.Smashed. THE HOMIES!!! Nothing more needs to be said son!
Barber #2: So you telling me if you went out with a chick and you found out I smashed, you deadin her??
Barber #1: HELL YEA SON! With no discussion. Listen, it’s different if its Ron (another customer). Ron is my dude. I fux with him, but YOU’RE my Homie, feel me? I can’t wife a chick that smashed my homie.
Barber #2: So what if you were just smashin?
Barber #1: That’s way different! The name of the show is “For the Love of Ray-J” not “For the love of jumpin’ off!” he’s trying to wife these chicks, not just FCUK!
If shorty smashed an acquaintance, then most likely the dude won’t and shouldn’t care. If I see a dude at the gym, knew him through a common friend, or know on a general basis and remain cordial, then her having a previous relationship of any kind with dude poses no problems. This would translate back to the scouting report to find out shorty’s past. You won’t find everything out even with the best sources, but you’ll formulate a cohesive opinion based off of corroborative inquiry.
Social network settings, especially college campuses, present a unique twist to this situation. She may not have smashed the homie, but if she smashed the campus, the chapter (fraternities), or the football team, you may think twice before putting a ring on it. While you may not have personal ties to these guys in these groups, their popularity and exposure will link you inadvertently and hang a cloud over you, due to the close proximity of your “universe”. It’s similar to dealing with “the neighborhood set out”: A major no-no with high risk, high reward.
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9hgSZOSBFc&feature=player_embedded]
The Homie is your Ace Buku. A main player in your circle of close friends. You know each other’s dirt, and know the important friends and family in each others lives. The type of friend you can call at 3am and say if my gf calls, tell her I’m with you ask for anything. So when a shorty you try to wife “smashes the homie”, then this poses certain problems for you. A guy will hesitate to wife a woman upon finding out she “smashed the homies” for the following reasons:
EGO: All decisions when it comes to this topic stem from a man’s ego. It’s hard enough to realize that other people have had sex with your potential goddess, but when the person who smashed your girl is “the homie”, it bothers you even more. You never want to look like a sucka. When a man has a wifey, and an attractive, cool, fun wifey at that, it gives him a sense of street credibility with his friends, and almost becomes a status symbol. Deep down, we feel good knowing that we accomplished this feat of excellence that our peers or anyone we know did not achieve. Having a tangible connection to your potential girlfriends sexual past can eat away at a man, develop into insecurity and doubt, and lead him to err on the side of caution and cut ties
Reputation: This has everything to do with ego. I admit that. Understand though: Men fear commitment genetically. It takes a lot to overcome this fear and settle down. When we find the right girl to chill with, date, and eventually gain exclusivity, the LAST thing we want is to hear she got it in, especially with the homies! You like to have mystery to your relationship. You want to create an aura that says “this relationship is off the chain and only we know why”. When your clique can answer that question in essay format, the man feels stupid and looks at the woman in a different light. It may be unfair, but it’s cause and effect.
Deja Vu: If someone in your personal circle smashed the woman you’re currently dating, and you make it official, then your friend becomes a reminder of the past. You can never talk about sex with your shorty without feeling awkward because you know he can relate! Some men may feel like their friend has a 1-up on them, and that’s tough to endure. Depending on how serious the man is dating the woman in question, will depend on his next step. A lot of dudes can shrug it off and move on. Some dudes aren’t built for that, and will bail.
Trust: This depends heavily on how you found out that your shorty smashed the homies. Did she get introduced AGAIN to your friend and pull you to the side to confess? Did the homie approach you to give you the FYI? Did you find out from a third party when neither said a word and acted as if they never met? Ray-J’s homie who “just dated” Danger, seemed a little suspect at first when the other homies asked how he knew Danger. He said they just knew each other from mutual friends, and that eventually turned into “we went out on a date”. All these questions will run through a dudes mind, and if the homies or the woman failed to mention this information, then serious contemplation and decisions await you. I personally don’t trust the situation and probably both homie and shorty would have to get the steppin!
She smashed the homie(S): It’s bad enough when one homie in your circle touched the woman you’re dating. When one smashed, one dated, one held hand with her in his dorm room while watching 106 & park, and the other tutored her for Biology, that creates a high level of coincidence within your circle. Men do not like their girlfirends or significant other’s associated heavily with their friends. A separation of the wifey world and the friend world helps to keep a man’s sanity, keeps things fresh, and provides a dichotomy necessary for men to escape the stresses of the many worlds he inhabits and recharge,similar to a vacation. It may be silly ego, but to me it’s tough to know that your closest friends (SINGULAR or PLURAL) have intimate knowledge of a woman I’m dating.
Women will scream “What about HE smashed MY homie?!” With women, you will follow the same thought process as guys with some differences. Women are more gangsta when it comes to this topic. If they feel strongly about the dude, or about the situation (“what I do with him shouldn’t matter because of xyz”) they will make it happen and sort out the consequences later. Women will also block harder than men to prevent their girlfriends from being with the dude in question. I refer to this as The Claim Game.
I have to commend Danger. She kept it 100 with Ray J’s friends and didn’t hide her past. I don’t blame her for smashing the homie. Who would know that years after she messed with dude, she would try to get with his homie? You can’t blame for their past dealings, especially if you weren’t in the picture until years later. Ray J has to decide if Danger smashing his homie makes or breaks his decision. Since dealing with people you know seems commonplace for stars (looking in your direction Reggie Bush), Danger has an advantage.
Can you date someone who smashed the homie? Does the past ever matter when dealing with an individual? Is it truly no fun if the homies can’t have none? Digame!
– Streetz
For me it is an ABSOLUTE no if my homegirl smashed a dude in the past. Streetz I think you have it right when you say it depends on the relationship with the previously smashed girl. If it's a girl at my school that I run into from time to time, then I probably will do a balance test. (How much I'm feeling him v. the shame of knowing she touched my new man). If it's my HOMEGIRL, it's an automatic no. The problem is when you have a friend who is more than someone you run into, but not your HOMEGIRL. (i.e. you eat lunch with her and talk about relationships , but she has never been over to your house) . What then? I still propose my balance test. I mean at the end of the day women are going to do what they want to do (esp. when its a recession out here when trying to find a good brotha …LMAO). I just think when you pursue a man despite his relations with your 'friend', you can NOT
1. complain to your new dude about the old girl
2. beef with or give side remarks to the old girl
3. continue to the hang out with the previous girl knowing you got her (sloppy seconds) last conquest.
Is anyone feeling my balance test ? (yea I know this is so law school ..sorry it's finals time)
never mind about the homies – is that her nipple i see in that pic??? highly distracting…
I'm not cool with a man who's smashed my homegirl, my associate ANYONE I know. lol.. for the same reasons you guys are.
COSIGN the whole thing
I don't watch the show, so forgive me: Is that Danger in the pic? If she's the "baddest" chick on the show, I'm dying to see the line up of the others.
Anywhoo…yea, it's a no-go if you've messed with one of my girls. This ain't like
beatpuff, puff, pass.i agree with Nicki Sunshine…BUT i have a friend (best) who decided she wanted to go at my ex-bf of an on/off again relationship of 4 years. i thought it was just a ploy(on his behalf)to make me upset, but she actually like him, and he had interest in her. needless to say her and i have had our share of troubles, and now years down the line, 2 kids later, then married… all the sh!t they go through of course i just sit here and laugh. cruel? maybe, but from the get-go i think she should have left him alone… women or men, just don't need to date/sex any of their friends past ex/lovers/cut-buddies…whatever.
but there are always two sides to a story…
some people roll with the notion that if your homie dates an ex-whatever, and you try to stop the romance due to your past relations, you are interferring with a possible "love of my life" scenario. does anyone agree with that?
Damn Streetz,
This is a topic I'm pretty passionate about. Let me take a second to get my tact together….
Aight.
I almost dated a chick once that smashed the homie(s), then realized how awful an idea it would be given what I knew of their tales. She managed to get 90 points off personality then lose 60 points of smashing the homie(s). That's a failing grade.
As far as knowing about the past, it definitely plays a role in my decision/thought process. Though I've learned that the less I know the better off I am cuz I'll discriminate recklessly. It's amazing how difficult it is to find people who are 2-3 degrees of separation outside of your circles so that you won't know anybody they know.
@ Fly JD/MBA Chic – LOL @ the balance test. I knew you were in law school when I saw that, before I even saw your name. (Ugggh!! to law school finals, but goodluck and God Bless)
But anyway, I'm definitely not cool with that. I've also never had that happen b/c I keep my circle really tight and no one who ever messed with one of my friends would ever even feel comfortable stepping to me like that and vice versa.
As for the balance test, it could be a balance test to determine if it matters or not:
1) Is this a person that you hang out with sometimes and who knows certain things about your past relationships, etc? Are you and this person actually close? How long ago was the contact?
balanced with
2) How much you are interested in this guy/girl? Is he really a great guy?
If the friend is closer to you, and the contact was within the last few years, it's probably not a good idea and it probably outweighs the fact that you may like this guy/girl. But if the guy/girl is a "winner", and the contact was a long time ago, and the other person (acquaintance) is not that close to you, then it should not be a problem.
def not cool…..
Man….
I keep chiming in on posts such as these and all I have to do is wait for the crowd that says (in my mockingly sarcastic voice that I do when people are annoying arses) *"You shouldn't let who a person dealt with in the past determine their present. You could be passing up true love."
BULLSHYTE!!!!
How can I say this: That shyte has never been cool! If my homeboy smashes a chick off, the most she can do for me after I have knowledge of this fact, regardless of the statute of limitations, is be a jumpoff. Sorry…some ladies don't want to hear it but cmon. You dang right it's about ego, but in the CPT's mind I don't want my friends' seconds when their is plenty to go around. You know those nature shows where the lion catches a wilder beast and then the other lions crowd around and chomp at the parts the other lion isn't chewing? You get my drift. If I see another lying munching on something they caught, I still will go catch my own.
This ish is for the under 25 set. At this point (30), if one of my exes was trying to step to one of my girls (or vice versa), they're happy and he's treating her right – kudos to them both! There is a shortage of good people (male and female), so no need to cockblock on some "he/she USED to be mine!" stuff.
There is definitely a statute of limitations with this – if I'm over him, he can be yours. However, if my "friend" is trying to pursue an ex just to get a rise from/retaliate against me then she's not really my friend and I need to check myself and who I have around me.
Men, just deal with it already. Your woman is not a virgin. Neither are you. Unless she was smashing your homies last week or went through your whole crew in an afternoon, cut a grown woman some slack.
Danger might not have made it to the finals (cus she's crazy and his mamma told him so!) but he didn't drop her after the incident. He was feeling Danger's crazy azz.
P.S. – What's so wrong with Unique? Other than being a wack dresser she seems pretty ok.
would NEVER EVER date or touch a dude that's been with one of my female friends… even past friends. feels like seconds and I'm second to no other chick.
@ FlyJD/MBA
#1 – Good luck with finals. I used to work in a law school. I feel your pain (a little) lol.
#2 -The balance test is absolutely necessary. It's just a matter of weighing the pros and cons, risk vs reward, and overall value to come to a decision.
@ Slim – when its plural, you're cruisin for a bruisin, lolol. Especially if this is your tight knit circle.
@ Everyone with an absolute NO (women) – With you women, I see "smash the homies" can mean "I chilled with him in his dorm room and watched Love Jones" "He held my hand in the student union" or "he rubbed my back when I had to burp". Y'all would consider THAT just as bad as smashing and try to block. Is this justifiable? If I went out on a date with your homegirl or even just bagged the #, am I now off limits?
Anna N guess you never heard TOO much familiarity BREEDs contempt… that applies here like a mofo, truly….
Its no age limit on that either, neva would I go where one of my good girl pals have went before me NEVER… and never would they go behind moi'…them folks are just off limits, plus we all have diff tastes preferences as well…
I count my very good friends/homies few tho……
I can argue that everyone is sloppy seconds, unless you wifed the first person you ever dated and married,all that.
The difference is that you'd have KNOWLEDGE of the person that smashed your love interest. I know dudes who on campuses across this country have been known to slay coochie like their name was Sarah Michelle Gellar, and women still pursued them with this knowledge. Do you consider yourself a sloppy second then, because chances are on your campus you probably have awareness of chicks dudes deal with, and vice versa.
NGBATDI. There's no way I can smash anyone who has been with my friends…I know them..uh uh can't do it.
It's just law…between people..common courtesy
That's all.
Streetz everybody ain't your homie tho, so that arguement is null and void!!!
Kwana – you bring up a couple of different points. Girlfriends who have different tastes in men don't really run into that problem, and having only a few friends also helps to make sure you don't catch the "sloppy seconds syndrome". However, all of us who are no longer carrying their v cards are officially "sloppy seconds". We ALL come in second to someone – why trip because you saw the source? And, real talk, I have seen too many girls put a man off limits to her friends just because she liked him or flirted with him. No official relationship necessary. Flag on the play! That's what I call official "Little Girl Sh*t." Doesn't mean ole broads like myself don't also do this, but it's super immature and the mark of a person who doesn't really want to see her friends happy.
Check the numbers for your average black woman: If you only have so many black men for every black woman and you start narrowing down to men with a degree, ## of children, age, not married, not on the dl, gainfully employed, believes in Baby Jesus, whatever your core values are, etc….THEN you also start cutting men from the running because they said hi to Boomsheeshee once in college and she's your girl….you get my drift. The Dating Game is already a tough sport -no need to put on ankle weights, too. If you are over the dude, there is distance from the relationship (like y'all didn't just break up last week) and he is making your friend happy it's bananas not to just give your blessing and keep it moving. Oh, and take his number out of the "Break in Case of Emergency" d**k in a glass list!
It would just be uncomfortable
its just creepy
aint that much security in the world lol
I once had a chic I used to date (read: smash on the regular) ask me to hook me up with one of my friends. I looked at her like she had a herpes boil on her lip about to burst.
And the weird thing she said she would hook me up with her friend and they just didn't care.
I'm starting to think she was just loose and they passed n***s around … hmmm.
Streetz,
You hit the nail on the head with the reasons why people can't look past a chick smashing the homies. EGO. I don't even want to have any remote connection to someone wifey used to smash. Even if they didn't smash, but we're close, I'm not with it.
Diamonds have great value because they're rare. They're cheaper when you cop 'em from the pawn shop. Think about it…
Look…
In college I had two roommates who saw chicks that I used to talk to. Keyword here is TALK. They ended up bunnin the broads up, and one ended up snagging the V-card (mo power to him cos I didn't get along with her). I can't be but so mad, let's just say it was awkward seeing two chicks i used to holler at being all snuggled up with my roomies. I only got to lick one of their boobies so I guess it's cool.
As one of the other posters sort of said: I have way different tastes from my homeboys. The chicks they call their girls probably wouldn't even register as "right" me, no matter how hard I look.
I think if you are going to deal with someone that one of your friends dealt with, its only right to get their permission first.
As for anyone who has a problem with dealing with someone who was with a "homie" or "associate" – you really could be missing out on something great! At least "Danger" was honest… Most of you guys end up with the shadiest girls out there. The ones that tell you what you want to hear and never the truth… I know a few people who are currently engaged and have no idea that their girl messed with someone they are cool with – a teammate, frat, etc. It's funny – with all the rules guys have – a lot of you are closet settlers and are unhappy!!! WOW
Breezy, hon…..
The value of a diamond is determined by an appraiser, and a truly valuable gem will cost a pretty penny no matter where you buy it. Christie's, the famous auction house where you can spend a few million and get some of the rarest jewelry in the world, is really just a bougie azz pawn shop.
What I'm getting from the comments section is this: "I will pass up the rarest diamond in the land if I know the hand it came from."
@ Anna N–I applaud you with everything I am. That last line: “I will pass up the rarest diamond in the land if I know the hand it came from.” is the realest.
My name is journey78 and I smashed the homie in college. He got over it we dated for several great years and his whole crew was envious of our relationship.
I am now a couple of years out of college and that situation and am contemplating a relationship with a friend's ex. It's not something I'd generally do but he and I are becoming increasingly cool and it seems silly to pass up the relationship. Should I pass because my homie who went before me failed? She didn't want him so why should he be off limits?
But what if you're the person that did the smashing (i.e. Danger)? What if you really feeling this new guy and then find out later that he's homies with a dude you smashed? Chances are you don't want it to end because you're really feeling this new guy.
But what if the homie that smashed you gave you the best sexual experience EVER, and you're really feeling the new guy?
Hmmmm. . . .
@Anna N. – I can see your point, but it is still something that does not sit well with people for good reason. Not just ego or being immature. It errs on the side of shady b/c it may mean that you were probably eyeing that person when he/she was with your friend. This may not be true, but it could hint that you are willing to mess around with a friend's man(or whatever you want to call it) while they are together. Also, if the person is in your friend's past, it is probably for good reason, so why would you want to deal with that person anyway?
I've never been in any of these situations though b/c my friends and I have TOTALLY different taste in men. However, if one of my friends wanted to date/mess with/ whateva with one of my exes or someone I had been intimate with previously, I would not trust her for the reasons stated above.
@ Kwana,
My point isnt null and void as per Anna N's post. Are you reading my posts or do you just skim through them? SERIOUS question.
@Bougie Bama – You can't help who you like. You also can't predict who will become close wiith whom in the future. If I'm feelin a chick and I find out shes friends with a woman I intercoursed, oh well. If I didn't wife if, she might not like it, but there's no real reason to fight it.
People get caught up in sexual encounters and right vs wrong. I wouldn't wife a chick who was my homies ex. That's just not happenin. If my homie messed with a girl, I knew there were no feelings on his part involved, and shorty wanted to holla at me, then why not? More than likely, my homie will Give me the greeen liiiiight (c) John Legend and I'm in there. Now if hes a dirty dude, lol, then im not hittin.
I'm looking at it from a perspective of dating, not making your girlfriend. Who knows what will happen in the future, but people go out on dates, mess around, etc and it doesn't go anywhere other than a fling. No cause for alarm.
Ladies yall will take it another level though. For yall kissin = holding hands = smashin, and to me that's cock blockin, period. If you were feelin me and Im not feelin you, that doesnt make your friends off limits! Im the type of dude that will holla at a chick, if she aint me, i'll go right to the next friend, lol.
I scrolled right past the comments, really, because i didn't want to salt my opinion.
When you're grown minded, you realize how hard it is to meet someone that feels like you, that you could see TRYING to make it happen with. When you're young minded, it's not so hard, because the criteria is a little simpler. Usually, keep it hot, keep it sexy and we can kick it. That's usually temporary, because eventually, somebody involved starts needing something with more substance.
If you've met someone, that's "smashed" the homie(s), and you know it immediately, i wouldn't even bother to take it there. Nip that thang in the bud. Period.
But if this info pops up after you've made a connection, you'd be stupid to throw someone away because of looking bad to the crew. At that point, the only real way to decide is to look at the relationship, if ANY, that the other person had w/ your homie(s…lol). If they were a jump-off, then they will forever in the eyes of people you respect be a jump-off. If you considered that (even w/o mentioning it) then it's gonna eat you alive forever. Easy decision.
If that other person actually spent quality TIME w/your homie(s…all of em' – WHAT!), then that's a different situation.
Maybe she/he's just cool ass beans, and YOU ended up with them. Maybe worthy of your people knowing what your girl/guy tastes like… Especially if they were and are quite tasty – physically AND mentally ;-)…
The only problem THEN is keeping an eye on your homie(s) (from flashbacking)… If you're okay on that end, then do what feels good to you. People will always have something to say. Fuck em.
It's interesting how Danger smashed a homie but didn't know him and Ray J were homies. I know there is such a thing as a JO, but even they hang around the house and make sausage biscuits sometime.
If my homegirl smashed but she never mentioned this dude, I probably wouldn't care. If she had then I am just grimy.
Hey Remi – trust is a valid point. Maybe your girl was eyeing your man prior to y'all breaking up. Unless she's blind, she's gonna see him, and there may have been some unspoken bit of chemistry. But I would still give her a pass if she had nothing to do with the break-up. And I do mean NOTHING to do with the break-up. But I see where you're coming from – even if ole girl is totally beyond reproach you'll always be wondering, "Did she…?" Then y'all can't be friends.
The mind is not easily controlled, but our actions are our own. The true test of how good of a friend I am is not "Do I find any of my girls' men attractive?" it's "Would I act on an attraction to one of my girls' men?"
And about that "in the past for a good reason"…..you ain't nevah lied! Despite my rather vigorous defense of the Second Helping Crew I've never dated the ex of a friend or had a friend date my ex. Not only do we have totally different tastes in men, but our Ex List reads something like America's Most Unwanted. I wouldn't wish some of them on my worst enemy.
@Journey78 – why do I envision you holding a little white candle when you made your confession? LOL! Do you girl – no apologies!
Get a decade of distance from your college years and you'll barely remember the names of your college homies, let alone who they were smashing and when.
All I gotta say is PREACH!
No way on God's green earth will I date a dude you I knowingly kicked it with one of my girls. That's a no-no in the sista-girl hoodom! Somethings are just off limits! A pig with pink lipstick is still a pig!
@Anna–The confession was just for my amusement, no apologies for the situation ever in life. It has been 10 years since college and all of us stayed cool over the years. The dude just took his pregnant fiancee to the homies wedding and passed along my sincerest joys. Maturity at its finest.
As for the new situation…it's complicated. I have always had a longstanding rule of not going behind my girlfriends but then again we've always had vastly different tastes. On this one he's not my stee-lo but the fact that I would even consider it should cause my girl to accept that its not me trying to disrespect her. I wasn't eyeing him while they were together (and she knows this) and he somehow has washed of the "used to mess with my girl" repellent that I spray on all my girls' dudes. *shrug* It's a mess I know. LOL.
Whats crazy is that we spoke on this topic on my weekly show:
The NonStopRadio Show
http://streetztalk.net/2009/04/21/nonstopradio-sh…
Check that out as many people had different POVs
I've smashed the homies, and I liked it, lolol
@ Anna N. – LOL @ "Not only do we have totally different tastes in men, but our Ex List reads something like America’s Most Unwanted. I wouldn’t wish some of them on my worst enemy." – Unfortunately, this is true for myself and my friends.
i'm going to keep this simple… if a dude i was interested in holla'd at one of my good friends but nothing happened, then it's ok, i'd still pursue him (but only if i thought he was THAT fly). but, if he actually SMASHED or was in a relationship with a good friend, it's a no-go…
Street you said you could ARGUE everybody is seconds, or whateva and I said to that everybody isn't your homie….thats what this post was about right????
Anna K someone a friend flirted with ain't the same as dealing with/screwing etc……theres a world of diff there.
THATS CRAZY DAWG