Today, SBM fam, I speak to you about one type of dating paradox that occurs with men and women. It’s happened to me, and after reading this blog, you may determine that it’s happened to you also. I refer to this paradox as the Magneto complex. Why Magneto you ask? Its simple: I’m a comic geek It occurs when you lose to ex men (you see what I did right there?). In other words, The Magneto Complex happens when you date/wife someone and they end up going back to their ex. When this happened to me, I wondered whether or not I did something wrong or I was too naive to see the signs. After speaking with other masters of magnetism, I realize these situations occur for many reasons:

The Ex may never be 100% out the picture – When you’re in a relationship, it’s natural for friendship circles to intermingle. Families can get familiar with your significant other. You can live in the same city, work at the same job, or frequent the same afterwork events. So when the relationship ends, you’re ex may not be completely out of your life. With the advent of 21st century technology (Facebook, Twitter, MMS, BBM, Google Talk GChat, etc.), staying “connected” is effortless. So with all these factors, an ex hoping to reconcile can and will find a way to contact your love interest. You may never hear about this ex as an issue, but do believe that behind the scenes he or she may speak to them consistently whether the break up was good or bad, and that leaves the door open for trouble.

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Still Friends with the ex – Many break-ups are mutual decisions to part ways. No nasty arguments or shocking revelations occur, two people just realize they grew apart and need to separate. They see no reason why they shouldn’t remain friends. Now if you subscribe to the philosophy that men and women cannot be platonic friends ever, then this should raise a red flag. I say this should alarm you regardless. You need to find out the extent of the relationship, how serious, and the nature of their friendship before deciding to wife anyone. I would be leery about a woman who’s friends with a man who 6 months ago proposed. At the same time, if they dated 5-6 years ago, I may be less inclined to suspect anything, but I’ll still keep my eyes open.

Too Soon – When you meet someone, it takes time to find out completely about their background and prior situations unless you’re in a frat where you have a countrywide network of spies. So the man/woman you date may tell you that no one else is in the picture, when in essence they’re lying to themselves and you. Sometimes, we never truly know if we are over an ex until we see them again, or until an undetermined amount of time since the breakup elapsed. You have to make sure that they are over it, or at least over it enough that the advances of an ex won’t hinder your progress. Ultimately, only that person knows how they feel, and hopefully they remain truthful to themselves and you.

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You’re being used – Sorry to break it to you, but a lot of men and women use the prospect of a potential “new lover” to light a fire under your ass to get serious about the relationship. It’s happened to me and probably about everyone else reading this blog (whether you know it or not). It truly sucks, because you may have feelings for this person, while they use you as a relationship litmus test with their ex/purgatorial significant other. If they continue to ask you about the status of your relationship, or they frequently go back to their ex to “see if the spark is still there” then do like Ghostface says:


It’s you – Maybe the ex will do things you won’t (both positive and negative). Maybe you neglected your significant other/ person you’re dating for a hot second and that’s all they needed to flip flop worse than John Kerry. Maybe you attract people who have internal issues are naturally grimy, or who love to have their cake and eat it too. Some level of self examination is necessary if these situations occur often.

The Oh Shyt Effect – Here’s the scenario (No ATCQ): You meet someone whom you’re feeling. You take them out on a few dates, chill, have incredible s*x a great time together. Their ex, whom they broke up with a few weeks/months earlier, finds out that their former lover is humping around seeing someone else. So from that point forward, they channel their inner Rick Pitino/ Mike Kryzyzewski and apply the full court press on their ex. They call/text/email. They arrive at their house to cop please. They send flowers, candy, and other gifts. They basically want to invoke the Notorious B.I.G. exemption clause in their contract (Gimme one more chance Biggie Biggie Gimme one more chance, baby baby). If they still have feelings for their ex, sympathy, or curiosity, then it’s only a matter of time before they commit a turnover and you’re left holding the bag. Beware of the rebound, because that’s just another one of 6000+ reasons why being Dennis Rodman may help you, but just isn’t so cool.

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Keep your eyes open, and don’t become a statistic of inner ex rivalries and unresolved issues. SBM community, did I miss anything? Are these descriptions not accurate? Is there truly a way to avoid these situations?