I’m sorry, I am planning on completely switching the game up on y’all so I want to get a couple more oldies but goodies, while I stack the cannon.  This is a FaceBook note of mine from 2008.  I actually think that this holds true every day of a man’s life.

Gchat Conversation

Miss Jay, Esq.: idk what I would do if I was on the end of an accusing phone call that just went out of control
me: you want to know what the man rules say
i’ll tell you
deny everything…
if you get caught in bed with another girl
you now have a twin
just act like it isn’t you
“i wish you would stop calling me jackson, my name is james.”

There are three important parts to this note, If caught cheating; (1) Deny everything, (2) Break up with the person immediately, (3) Your @ss shouldn’t have got caught.

I think I speak for all real men in attendance when I say that every man should carry around a pocket size personal copy of his Miranda rights, reserve any comment until after the discovery phase, and reserve their opening statement for after the prosecution has presented their case. In the case that you are caught in the act, immediately jump up and act as if you have a twin. “I wish you would stop calling me Jackson, my name is James. No, Jackson is my brother, I’m in town for the weekend.” If confronted after the fact continue to deny until some evidence is provided. Matter fact, you don’t even know who the person is speaking of, “Keisha, I don’t know no Keisha.” (Ain’t it messed up the chick you cheating with always got some ghetto @ss name in the story?) In the fell chance that some chick calls your girl and says she’s been messing with you, you don’t know the b*tch. In fact, you wouldn’t mess with any crazy girls anyway. If by some chance she breaks into your email, insist that she logged into your account and did that to try and catch you in the lie.  <—Illegal search and seizure.

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There’s really no way to reconcile the situation on your side. Your best move is to just break up with the girl and wait for them to get over it and want to be back with you. This way you don’t have to have cheating hanging over your head for the rest of your relationship. Because real talk, you will have to jump over leaps and bounds for the rest of your life if you beg to come back. Your girl will have you calling every 30 minutes, she’ll check your voicemail, facebook, gmail. (And why I’m on the Gmail topic, don’t ever let someone check your gmail, that chat function is a b*tch, yo @ss is done. You ain’t getting no p*ssy til the Bills win the Super Bowl.) So your best move is to just break up with the person. And no, Jedi mind tricks do not work. You cannot say, “Yes, I cheated, you made me do it.” That’s just stupid. You could say, that you didn’t think you were in an exclusive relationship. That’s the hail mary of cheating arguments.

Your @ss shouldn’t get caught, ya dig. You need to have an alibi, a believable alibi. Your alibi cannot, CANNOT, CANNOT be, “My phone died.” That’s just about the weakest excuse since my dog ate my homework. Your alibi should also not bring anyone else into your lie, because then your boy is a liar too. How many dudes have gotten that text before, “Dr. J: If anyone asks you, I slept over there last night.” Tacky @ss. I’m also a firm believer that you need to let the third party know their role, that way they don’t do nothing stupid. Let that chick know, but don’t give up too much information. If she asks, “Do you have a girlfriend?” Again, deny everything. Reply, “I like when people go to the zoo to see the Pandas.” And don’t break jumpoff rules either; (1) No evidence. Erase every text message as you receive it. Call history too. (2) Do not be seen in public with them. (3) Do not spend the night, get up and take your @ss home, no matter what time it is. (4) Wash your damn sheets. (Look at all the women in the crowd thinking, “No wonder his bed always smell like Snuggle.”)

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Now… don’t be an OJ. If you get away with it once, don’t do it again… with that person. If you get away with it three or four times, well then I think I speak for all real men in attendance when I say, you must be doing something right, keep up the good work!

If you need a defense attorney, feel free to call, 1-800-Dr-J-She-is-Crazy… you won’t get an answering machine, you’ll speak directly to me.