You won't like me when I'm soft. Trust.

This past weekend proved to be a wet one where I’m at. And quite honestly, I don’t mean that in a good way at all. It was as wet as Baby Beluga (See 1st grade) outside, but indoors proved to be as dry as the Mohabi. I huffed and puffed a bit, made a few drinks, watched some television, and thought about being submerged between the The Great Walls. Once I came back to the reality of my situation, I decided I’d write about things that make me soft because..well, when times are hard it’s better to be soft. Ya dig ’em out? But yeah, here’s my list of things that make me go soft in no particular order. Yep. I mean it that way.

Excessive Chatty Mouth

I know a lot of women think that men will f*ck anything that’s decent-looking. I’m here to tell you that this is not true. Nothing makes my jawn descend like a chick who talks too much. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for good conversation with a fine woman. But when you’ve rambled on for about 25 minutes and not even left me a small window to chime in, I’m climbing out the closest one.

Short Attention Spans

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Have you ever tried to chase a squirrel? Neither have I and I’m not gonna start now. I’ve been through this before, given up because I thought the chick wasn’t interested, then got a text message because the squirrel wanted nuts. My reply: “I’m not chasin u up no tree cuz u can’t focus. I’m w/ ur friend.”

Attention Whores

Nope. Not hoes. This post has nothing to do with those. It’s about attention whores. I wrote about them last week actually. There’s a big difference between the 2. See, hoes typically don’t talk too much and they got a goal in mind of getting some D by any means necessary. An attention whore can suck everything out of the room without actually touching anything. Not many things can make my piece head for Mexico like attention whores. If I won’t feed into it, I won’t go into it, which means I’m going elsewhere.

Teeth on the Piece

Contrary to my Greek affiliation, I don’t enjoy pain. I enjoy euphoria. My jawn after getting teethed is like my level of trust. Both can be up there and end up getting lost fairly quickly. So if you want me to trust you, don’t teeth my piece. If that doesn’t make sense for you, you remember that game Operation? Yeah, teeth is when you touch the sides, the thing buzzes, and the game is over. Don’t make me peace out with my piece out.

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Dirty Bathroom at the Crib

This might sound a little odd, but there’s something about going to a chick’s crib and seeing that she has a really dirty bathroom. I don’t care how many roommates she has or how wild the party was last night. When you pass me a towel to shower, I don’t wanna have to put that towel on the floor just so I can get to the tub. Then when I get to the tub, I see the ring, and I get bodied by some chick that looks like a wet dog 7 days later. So I’m just gonna go ahead, be soft, and leave because it’ll save my life.

So yeah, those are some of the things that make me soft. To the ladies, what things make you dry? Do you share any of these sentiments? Do you disagree? To the fellas, my bad on referencing my jawn but mostly women read this site so it’s okay. But yeah, what stops you from conquering the gushy? To everybody, have you ever planned to do the do and then had to call it off because of a peeve? Let us know. Keep it clean and stuff.

If I Can’t Go Hard, I Will Go Home,

Twitter: @slimjackson Website: www.threewaystotakeit.com