I'm sayin.. I can't watch LOST in peace?!
Arguments are a reality in any relationship. There are different classes of power struggles that occur, and it seems that at some point every issue a couple has will be contested. Do we ever stop and say “why do we argue about everything?” or “Is what upsets me really that important?” Picking and choosing your battles are important. I’ll tell you why:
Women, I understand that you feel every issue you have with a man is of equal importance no matter how minuscule or major. I’m here to tell you that focusing on the minute issues will have you win a few battles, but you’ll lose the war. My mom used to get tight when I forgot to take the trash out. I’d literally forget 5 minutes after she told me because I was watching something on TV or something more interesting crossed my mind. You know what she did? Shed remind me at night again and if I still forgot, I had to put the trash in the backyard and had double to take out on Friday (2x a week garbage flow in NYC). She didn’t nag or complain, she just gave me equal responsibility. Now, I’m not saying to be our mothers, but friendly reminders, even jokes, can work in place of incessant complaining. I feel like women know what’s a minor issue and what’s major. I promise you if you save the real beefin for something major, a man will respect you for that and be very receptive.
Men, you know and I know that we tend to tune out and filter conversations with our girls depending on our level of importance, which usually means that only 10% of womens issues with us we’d consider significant. Ignoring general concerns of your lady is similar to ignoring that minor crack that rock left in your windshield. Sure, it’s small and doesn’t cause trouble, but neglecting it over time can cause an even greater crack to occur, and the damages could increase 700%! If you only took care of it earlier right?
You have to be aware of a woman’s mood and know when somethings bothering her. Sure she may say “nothing” meaning it’s definitely something and she wants you to Professor X her mind to solve the issue, but she can never say you don’t recognize problems! Communication is key!! Also as men if you’re going to deal with an issue internally, don’t let it ferment in your soul until you’re “mad as hell and you can’t stands no more”. It isn’t fair to her especially when women will ask what’s wrong. I know it may come across as emo, but a preemptive strike on any problems you have with your boo will go a long way to healthy communication and relations!
Picking and chosing battles can decrese the levels of stress in a relationship that develop with petty, stupid arguments. I personally have no time to dwell on small issues and I will make that perfectly clear. Yes we think all of ouf problems are important, but friends, family, cut buddies, bf/gf and husbands/wives will all have characteristics that piss you off. You either learn to deal with it, address it, or wak on by!
Cosign? Any examples? Don’t fight me on this. ONE!
10% and 700% must be the go-to percentages on here.
I have always been pretty damn good at picking my battles, it's the one benefit of having a messed up family. I have had to learn to let a lot slide in order to have decent relationships with all of them. I just don't have the energy or time to fight over small sh*t.
On the flip side, people can sometimes take you letting small things slide as weakness, and keep pushing. I've always had to walk a fine line between choosing my battles and being taken advantage of or disrespected, cheated on, lied to about really big things.
Theres def a fine line between letting someone push you, and overlooking the insignificant. once you recognize that, you can act accordingly.
I'd be lying in the past if I said that I didn't let some really big things slide with friends and family. Things that other people would cut you off for, or at least give you a good ass whooping (or both). I don't play like that in a relationship though. People really will take a mile when given an inch. That's where the stereotype of white girls getting used for their credit came from, just sayin.
Sane summed it up quite nicely. I don't want to pick every little thing because I'm lazy as he!l. On the other hand, give some bammas an inch and they want the mile. I'm still working on learning the balance between the two. Cuz fo sho – I've got my momma in me and that heffa DON'T PLAY! She woulda had your bee-hind taking trash out at 2am just to let you know you should've listened to her the FIRST time, lol.
Oh trust Anna, I didn't put all the things my momma does and will mess around and still do! hahahahaha I got an e-image to uphold!
I think that this post is a good one. It's considerate, and it looks at both sides of the coin.
I choose my battles wisely. I don't have a lot of energy for nonsense, so I avoid unnecessary fights like the plague.
I think both sexes need to understand the triggers that can set each other off emotionally. Relationships are hard work. No one should allow something trivial to crack the foundation of a solid relationship.
I must be in the wrong place…*looks at url and sees singleblackmale.net* hmmmm
Anywhoo, I Co-sign wholeheartedly! Little things become GREAT BIG OLE problems if they aren't addressed properly.
If I tell you something is bothering me and you repeatedly brush it off as insignificant because it doesn't bother you, it will become a problem. For one, I'm going to be hurt and feel stupid then resentful for thinking I can come to you, then I'm going to shut down.
I'm not saying you have to respond to me quick, fast and in a hurry about every single thing, but at least take 5 minutes and acknowledge that you heard me and address it.
Mr Mister is logical to the point of annoyance sometimes but if I ask him to turn Dr Spock off for a minute and listen to me, he does BUT I've learned that I can't go to him ranting and raving and expect him to listen because all he'll hear is my voice coming out like Charlie Brown's teacher, lol.
The toilet seat. #1 example of a minor issue that does not have to be dealt with by nagging, yelling, and complaining but yet the ladies like to make a big deal about it.
All I have to say is "Have you ever fallen into an open toilet seat?!?!" Lol. It's not the business and has my heart racing by the time my cheeks hit seat -_- No fun
No I haven't….because I check before I sit down!
"No I haven’t….because I check before I sit down!" – Greatest comment ever written
Well, I'm vision impaired and I don't put my glasses on at 2am to go to the toilet. Let me fall in and see what happens.
This is one of those things that I never quite understood. This issue has NEVER bothered me, unless in order to put down the toilet seat, I have to touch a nasty ass seat. The whole "well, why can't y'all put it up when you're done" argument has always stuck with me, and I just can't deny the logic behind it. In fact, whenever I'm at a house primarily filled with men, I almost feel bad for not leaving it up.
@MAX
I cosign 100000%, but this is one of those double standards jawns we gotta rock with. Pee with the seat down, and if you arent 100% accurate hittin the bowl so be it… tell the ladies theyd rather a wet seat then to fall in the bowl right? lmao
iCosign this post. I hate arguing. I let that fact be known from the beginning.
However, I have to learn to find balance. I know for me, I tend to not argue about the little things at all and then like Anna N said "…give some bammas an inch and they want the mile." I guess they figured the little things didn't bother me so they took it wide and were surprised when I walked away. I guess I was still simmering inside from the build-up of the little things and wasn't willing to fight over the big things… didn't wanna dig up the past as reference… I'm working on it. *le sigh*
I co-sign this entire post! Streetz are you sure you wrote this? I kid with you. LOL.
As I have gotten older I have really come to understand the whole choosing your battles thing. In general it is a good way to go thru life. In relationships its especially useful as a tool. The problem sometimes is figuring out which battles to go with….I think. Alot of women just hold alot of stuff in..let things build and then explode..and usually the explosion will occur on the most trivial of things…when really we have been mad at you all along..simmering beneath the surface. We have to stop doing that. Address everything…don't make in an argument and move on…
How come men think any question you ask them is nagging? I literally asked my SO how he was doing today (or something real basic)..and he was like here we go with the nagging..HUH? this is a basic question. Am I alone in this ladies..but men throw that word nag around a little too much…do they even know what nag means?
Sometimes yall nag so much that we have to be proactive in tuning yall out. Sure some of your good commentary may get flagged as a result of collateral damage, but we gotta be on guard! lol
Also, you got jokes woman?! lolol check my post history you'll see its hella balanced 😉
As long as you don't belittle me…cuss at me…call me degrading names…we can "argue" about something/anything. I WANT to know about each and everything I do that's irritating (and I'm sure gonna tell you) because you can't (shouldn't) hold me accountable for something that I wasn't aware of and vice versa (that's how those mole hills turn into mountains). I'm a fiery woman and will not hesitate to put my foot all up in yo' behind and I appreciate a good "get back in yo' lane" check in return…but in a nice…respectful…constructive way. LMAO seriously.
Seven, I felt nagged just reading your post… lol. All we want is peace and quiet. The whole 'let's have passionate arguments and end it with a night of equally passionate love making" is fun in short term relationships, but exhausting in long term relationships.
When a man decides to be in a commited relationship, he accepts the woman and alot of her 'minor faults' as part of that relationship. A man will forget most of the things you do that annoy him if you meet his major needs. You probably do a million things a week that annoy your SO, but, as soon as they happen, he forgets them, because he loves you and is, for the most part, happy with the relationship. The only time he remembers all those things is when you start pointing out all the stuff he does that annoys you. In our head we're like – "Am I meeting your most important needs? – yeah? – well what are we fighting about then?"
LOL see…there's that nasty word "nagged"…you only felt nagged because you weren't giving the response we want to hear. LMAOOOOO ok…seriously…I quit.
But…BUT…I will say…that if you address the little things in the beginning it should be smooth sailing on THOSE things…and it won't become a nag issue between the two.
Hell…let's just fight and get it over with Most…lol
But… But… the problem is, some women never run out of little things to address, yall set the bar at say, level 10 (hypothtically), we jump through hoops and run through walls trying to get to level 10, and when we get there, we find a note that says, "the bar is now set at level 20… love you". No acknowledgement of the fact that we jumped through hoops and ran through walls.
We're like, "I put the toilet seat down 40 times in a row… and flushed every time, and took out the trash on monday wednesday and friday for 4 months straight… are you happy now???… you're happy right??"
And yall are like… "How come you don't like my friends?"
This can't be real, I don't know any women like this (ok, I do know one, but she's extra special). Are you sure you're not overexaggerating just a lot a bit?
@MostInteresting
yall set the bar at say, level 10 (hypothtically), we jump through hoops and run through walls trying to get to level 10, and when we get there, we find a note that says, “the bar is now set at level 20… love you”. No acknowledgement of the fact that we jumped through hoops and ran through walls.
^^^
Cosign for life!
I still think y'all are some exaggerating mofo's.
Co-sign. Especially that 2nd paragraph. We have a bunch of ish to bring up as artillery, but we don't b/c we can't remember them. lol
first let me say that the caption under the pic is priceless. last nights episode was #epic. daniel and charlie are gonna be the ones to bring everyone up to speed in the parallel universe. i'm just waiting for sawyer and juliet to meet up in the parallel universe. ok. enough about lost.
me and arguing go together like honey and water. i have a really laid back personality and i don't like getting mad. i guess its the libra in me. it takes a lot for me to mad but when i do get to arguing it can get frustrating for the other party involved. i pick and choose my words very carefully and my argument is usually laced with facts and not emotions (probably because of my impeccable memory).
i'll co-sign the sentiment that ignoring a woman's general concerns can lead to larger problems down the road. i try to make it a point to be empathic.
Possible Spoiler Alert… Although, it's already aired, so I'm not too concerned spoiling it for folks waiting five years to watch.
I was getting real mad last night thinking I was about to watch Charlie die AGAIN. They already pulled that one on me with Juliet. I'm with you on waiting for Juliet and Sawyer to connect in the Sideways World. With any luck, I'll get to watch Kate meet her maker, I'm sick of watching characters I actually like die.
why is it that everyone hates kate? lol
Well, I'd list all the many reasons including the fact that she had the nerve to take someone's child and claim them as her own, but since she's a relatively attractive female, I'd probably be painted as hatin.
Tunde,
I think u meant Daniel and Desmond
Charlie is my Soddin favorite character, and you peeped how he kept his Flash Forward fade right? lololol
Business is DEF about to pickup!
#LOST
Charlie is my favorite too, I almost didn't bother to watch after he died. Too bad he couldn't bring Michael Ealy from Flash Foward along with his fade.
When I went to get my wheels today, the guy helping me said something about how important he was because of his red shirt. When I told him that on Lost that meant he was gonna die, that sumbitch told me that only nerds watch Lost. I'm still laughing about it.
streetz, no i meant charlie. he was the one that first showed desmond when he crashed the car into the water.
SaneN85 i like charlie too but i like him better as a bad ass on flash forward.
I think this all stems from the fact that women and men, by nature have different happiness requirements. If a man has found a woman he loves, the only other things he needs to complete his life are a clean, quiet home, cooked food, a little hanky panky every other night of the week, sportscenter and a flat screen tv. Women on the otherhand need non-quantifialbe things like affection, intimacy, encouragement, discerning advice, good listening skills and a strong pipe game.
The thing is, when these needs, on either side, are not met the neglected party doesn't always come right out and say it – they show their frustration other ways, sometimes unconsciously.
Men, if a woman starts nagging about taking out the trash, it's probably because she wanted to spend an hour or so talking about her day when she got home, but you were too busy playing Modern Warfare on Xbox Live. Ladies, if a man's not taking out the trash, it's probably because you ain't give up the buns in a few days. Actually, all male issues usually come back to the bedroom. If you want you guy to act right as far as 'man responsibilites' are concerned – give up the cookies.
Point is, the key to picking battles is understanding the underlying desires that aren't being met that are causing the other to slip up. Annoyance is death to a relationship, the worst thing my woman can say to me is that she is annoyed. Being annoyed is a surface emotion, and it therefore illicits surface communication. When you're annoyed you have an attitude and you don't give up the buns. When you're walking around with an attitude, and not giving up the buns, we stop doing chores, and start thinking about old chicks. If you want your relationship to succeed, dig deeper, past annoyance, and figure out what the real emotion is. It takes maturity and self-awareness.
Developing the ability to set surface emotions aside in favor of self-awareness and being able to communicate the true issues is key in developing lasting relationships.
"Annoyance is death to a relationship, the worst thing my woman can say to me is that she is annoyed" Really? I feel that if you value our relationship…at all…then you would be interested in knowing WHY I was annoyed and then…again..IF you valued our relationship…would at least attempt to rectify it. Damn MostInteresting…I'm hurt…wait…is that another surface emotion? 😉
Ha! I was just replying to your other post, when I finished a refreshed – I see your reply to mine… lol.
Clearly, a relationship between us would never work…lol!
You would learn to love my occasional beat downs Most…LOL
I was with you until you started in on how if you want your man to take out the trash, give up the goods. It sounds a lot like you're tracing most of the problems back to the woman and how often she gives it up. It's not like men get the goods, and it comes package automatically with some act right. Just sayin.
I mean, it's not that simple, I was hyperbolizing a bit. But the general principal rings true for most men. Give up the goods and he'll be good.
If it were that simple..that would be awesome. All relationships would flourish…and everything would be everything…RIGHT.
I have a quote on a sticky note at work (I should probably post it at home too): "the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook".
every little thing isn't worth mentioning or "fighting" over. choosing battles is a constant struggle, but I'm working on it. 🙂
good post, Streetz.
good post…
i've perfected the art of "putting sugar on the rim" and making sure my request comes with a little sweetness to flavor it right..
i had to tell someone (while we were working on communication issues) that "if you don't address the problem in an appropriate time, then you forfeit the right to bring it up later.." i don't wanna hear about your angry ish three months after i offended you..
"that is NOT gangsta" (in Riley Freeman voice)
i’ve perfected the art of “putting sugar on the rim” and making sure my request comes with a little sweetness to flavor it right..
^^
Twitpics?
you wish i'd send you a twitpic!!
twitter.com/streetztalk
**waits**
I like "putting sugar on the rim" I call it giving him a little "Glinda the good witch". You open with a compliment, quick fast slide in your complaint, and then close with another compliment. Their heads are so gassed up by two compliments in quick succession they'll do whatever you say.
The Dive
What can I say, I think I love this woman
She can cook, clean, and she empties the trash
She's about 5'4, curly hair, curvy girl
But what I like most, is that a$$
She lets me go out to chill with the guys
She doesn't mind my female friends
She doesn't like to shop or spend
So what can I say there's a meeting of the ends
When I come home, it smells like dinner
She knows i'll be there around 7:45
The only thing she does is nag nag nag
So when I get there, i'll take a dive
The moral of the story is, if you have a woman who gives you everything that you want but nags the hell out of you, @Seven, what you do is, take a dive. Admit to being wrong when you don't even think you're wrong. Peace adn quiet is most important.
Awww I don't nag Dr. J…I constructively criticize at appropriate times…there's a difference see? haaaaaaa!