If I take one more drink...

Urban legends about the sexual experience are as old as time. Ever since Adam tasted Eve’s apple, there have been myths and embellished stories that float around the world about sex. The worse part is some people still believe a lot of these myths! Me being, the man that I am, I decided to post a few common sex swindles that I’ve heard in my lifetime:

Motion in the Ocean > Size
After reading a rack1 of comments by women readers, and from female friends, I can say that this is 50/50. Some women are content with a hung dude and want to do all the work. others don’t care if you’re packin like a 1st grader, as long as you know how to work it. Maybe its my ego, but something in the motion assessment screams #swindle. Maybe these endowment deficient dudes are doing more than the pumps and the bumps to satisfy their partners, and attain a social promotion to a PH.D in Orgasmic Engineering. They say size matters, I think it’s at least 75% correct. Women is size no biggie?

All Church Women Are Freaks
This is 100% Accurate mostly true, but I think this is sensationalized. The numbers are skewed because we expect “church girls” to be prim proper and tighter than Precious squeezing into a size 4. When the reality hits, it’s a dual “Oh Sh*t” effect, similar to when Ques actually step to win shows and NOT for the bruhs (and the team is tight). So I think we need to get the “Church Freak” idea out of our minds and take it case by case with no bias.

Shoe/Hand Size = THAT Size

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Uninterested lady: What size are your shoes?

Simp: 14.5

UL: Damn yo feet big

Simp: You know what they say about guys with big feet right? *Smile

UL: They wear big shoes?

Simp: Uhhh…Yeah how’d you know? *Dies on the inside**

This theory was always stupid to me. All them big feeted negroes walkin around hella2 confident when their chicks is spreading rumors about them being a short man. I don’t know where this #swindle originated, but ladies who perpetuate this or get hyped when they see a dude with Mutombo hands or Shaq feet better pump the brakes and B.E.Z. because you may experience a rude awakening. I’m sure this started as a joke, but some simps still believe this in 2010. Smh.

Crazy Pum Pum is the BEST Pum Pum
Something about a Taraiji P type woman screaming bloody murder at you, or a woman who you know is a lil off serves as an aphrodesiac to some men. It’s like they channel their inner mental case and convert that energy into sexual eruptions of pleasure! This will be why some dudes will be with the weirdest, craziest, psycho women and you have no clue why. I label this term, Baduism (See Andre 3K and Common for further clarification). Explore this at your own risk fellas.

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Caribbean men don’t eat the cooch
I apologize for blowin you up, my island brethren, but this is straight propaganda! How many times have I heard “Bad Mon don’t av tuh eat nuh bloodclot pum pum!” knowing dudes is suicide diving in the life giver tongue first! #cmonson!! Dudes need to be grown in 2010 and admit to being cunning in bed. You just look like a rookie saying those things. Seriously, that term is sooo 1981. We can’t legitimately be upset with women who don’t go down if we not tryin to either right?

Alcohol enhances sexual experience
“When the Henny’s in your system, aint NO tellin..” – Now, while I do enjoy the nicknames of “Patron Ewing” and “Henny Hardaway”, I can say that this #swindle is hit or miss. There have been times where I felt like a champyon luva SHABBA! when intoxicated, but that may not always translate to the bedroom. For one, I’ve heard too many “60 second assassin” stories from dudes who had too much Courvoisier before doing the do. Now my question is, if a female is tipsy/wasted/inebriated, is the experience good no matter what? Because if so, some of you dudes can quit the Viagra subscriptions and invest in Svedka! Now I heard sex on Ecstasy is like poppin V.I.P. bottles with Jesus in Love, but I will NEVER test that theory/ None of that for me mam!

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If you can dance, you can fcuk
This is a fallacy both in the positive and negative. I know women who would make Ciara, Janet, and your favorite stripper dancer blush, and were lame ducks in the sack. I also know women who will rock your world between the sheets and make you cringe on the dance floor. I feel victim to this dance swindle before, and it still boggles my mind. You can put you’re legs behind your neck and do the entire breakdown in Rhythm Nation, but can’t even get a 653 on a sexual seduction exam? Crazy!

SBM Community… what myths have you heard? Am I wiling with the above? Help a reggin out!

1: DC slang for “Many” or “a bunch”
2: Cali slang which translates to “mad” in East Coast slang
3: The passing grade for NYC schools