SBM’s post on the celibacy movement that seems to be sweeping the nation got me motivated. And no, I don’t mean motivated in the sense that I’m going to hit mormon country, churches, or other wholesome places trying to find a woman holding a no entrance sign so that I can try to trespass. It motivated me to think of my most basic physical needs. After all, I’m a man with normal to moderately high hormone levels. I, as well as most of you, know that sometimes you just gotta blast off regardless of if NASA says there’s a dry storm coming through that’s going to delay the launch for a while.

While no woman has ever pulled the celibacy card on me, I’ve been involved in a couple of Cold Wars of the Loins. If you’ve ever been in a relationship or mutually agreeable situation where y’all were at each other’s throats (Pause), you probably had some period (eww) of time where nothing went down. You both probably the thought the relationship was nearing its end or that the other person was involved in shady activities. Either way, when all was said and done you probably engaged in some of the most passionate coitus in history despite the end result. If you haven’t been through this, consider yourself lucky and I hope that you get to experience the misery since it loves company.

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But see, despite the frustrations of my droughts caused by relationship drama or just being single and striking out/taking losses, I always had a secret weapon. A weapon that I denied existed and I tried to refrain from using often. Women have asked me about it and I’ve been reluctant to answer. It’s always with me in plain sight, but I’ve kept it hidden.  But damn it, I’m not afraid (not afraid) to take a stand (take a stand) anymore! Everybody (everybody) should take their hand (take their hand) and use it. See, me and my hand have walked this road together, through the storm, whatever weather, cold or warm. It’s let me know, that I’m not alone. Holla if you feel you’ve been down the same road. Sorry Eminem. I sullied your song.

Just beat it. What? It's comic relief!

Yes. People need to stop frontin’ like they don’t rub one out or vibrate one out every now and then. And those who think it’s a disgusting act need to relax, relate, and rub. When one is comfortable enough to touch ‘self, they make their life easier and can actually add some spice to their relationship if they happen to be in one. I mean…what happens if you’re in a long distance relationship and don’t see each other for a month? Do you not have spicy conversations to keep things fresh? Do you go ahead and have the spicy conversation and end up laying in bed tossing and turning with loins ablaze? Do you walk around aggressive and hostile and risk getting fired because you haven’t cleared the tank? Do you go out and slide off? Do you get your Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō on? I mean seriously. How do you live? HOW DO YOU LIVE!

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But truly seriously, one is never too old or too good to rub one out once in a while. And if you don’t wanna touch, find a shower head or other high pressure water dispensing apparatus to get the job done when you feel the hormones taking over. Still don’t wanna do it? Well guess what? There’s a remote controlled jawn you can order online that plugs into your computer. Take that e-love to a whole new level. And please let it be known that this post is written for primarily for women because otherwise it’d be awkward. Only thing I can really say to the fellas is don’t leave a bad first impression because you had too much pride before you went over there.

I don’t even know what questions to ask y’all today really. Am I off base? Is it really not that serious? Can a long distance relationship work without some handy work? Umm, yeah and whatever else you wanna say.

Go Ahead. Shake My Hand. It’s Been a While,

Twitter: @slimjackson Website: