- Our wedding after we met at the Venetian, Summer 2010.
“Wait, you voted for who? Oh hell nah, I can’t date a Republican.” – Anonymous
Have you ever been on a date and realized that the person sitting across from you is just not the right person for you? We all have. There’s three ways you can react to this; you can leave immediately, you can miss your warning sign, or you can admit that you don’t need to agree with everything your spouses thinks or does. You know most people miss their warning signs, or they try and ignore it and hope that it won’t really affect them too much. And other people just don’t have the right set of interview questions for the people they date. You don’t need to have a clipboard, but you do need to have some questions in mind so you can avoid finding out later something that you wish you knew up front.
Who did you vote for?
Have you ever invited the person you were dating out to a group outing, like a house party for Taboo, and a conversation about politics or social issues comes up? And you and everybody else is like, “Who invited Huckabee?” I took a chick out for a group outing one time and the topic of a friend who was “in the closet” came up, and she wouldn’t stop saying, “N*gga you gay.” You know, like Riley, nevermind that all my friends were white.
How often do you expect to see me?
I’m slow to warm up to a person, and I’m also focused on success. Some people expect to see you like six times a week, and others like four times a month. You need to discuss this early on before it’s too late.
So it’s just me and you, or is it cool if I…?
By asking this question, you will find out if your “thing” is exclusive or not. This doesn’t just happen to women, it happens to men too. You guys will meet out at a club and after you spend all your money on drinks for her, she will leave with Idris. And then you sending late night texts: “I thought…” Yeah, stop thinking, ASK.
Do you already have a person who considers you their boyfriend/girlfriend?
If you don’t ask, don’t expect him/her to tell you.
Wait, so you stopped taking tests after you graduated college?
A lot of people haven’t had a STD test in years. They just let it rock out after college. They figure that if they are being safe, (defined as not f*cking with no dirty sock b*tches, or men with records), then it’s impossible for them to catch anything. “Why would Christian have anything, he’s got an MBA, drives a Benz and works on Wall Street?”
Peanut Butter. Chunky or Creamy?
If you have any pet peeves, I would recommend you get them out in the open early on before you go too far. You actually hate that she chews gum with her mouth open, or that she always steals your socks, but if you don’t do it early on, you’ll be sorry later.
Do you have kids?
Everybody has been dating someone and found out later that they have kids. I had to try and climb into a chick’s car through the back window, #wasted, to bump my head and yell, “Why is there a baby seat in your backseat?!”
Would anyone consider you a ho or jumpoff or grimy?
If, she says, “I’m sure I was somebody’s jumpoff before.” That girl is a ho. Real women don’t let it get twisted and they don’t do anything that will lead to the possibility of shade being thrown on their name. I will get in trouble for this, but I have to say it, because it’s just how guys think. No man wants to hold the hand of a chick that’s been ran through. As a man, if you take a girl on a date, or within the first few weeks of dating, you take a girl out and she sees people she used to mess with or sleep with, it’s MAD uncomfortable and a sign that she might have too many miles on her.
I’m not gonna lie though, this happened to me once, but the shorty was bad. So in my mind, I told myself, alright rock out with it, but… this girl will never be your girlfriend. (Take this however you want to use it.)
Are you saving it for marriage, or something like that?
There’s nothing worse than dating a girl, and waiting the three dates weeks like you’re supposed to and then being hit with the “I’m saving it for marriage” or “I’m waiting for the right one.” If a girl is going to make you wait three weeks, 45 days, or until you put a ring on it you need to know now.
What are you looking for?
My boy told me that he went out for drinks with a girl one time and got drunk. The girl wasn’t that cute, and he was feeling down on his luck so when she asked him this, he replied, “Whatever I can get!” #RIPDrJAY. I think you NEED to ask this upfront because you don’t want to fall in love with a person and find out they are just looking to have fun. Or you don’t want to be having a good time and dating someone who answers, “I’m almost 30, I’m looking to get married and start a family.”
#Igotspaceforonemore
Do you consider me your boyfriend/girlfriend?
This may not come up right away on the first date, but it might after you spend the night together, have sex, or kiss. You better ask before you end up like me. I was once dumped by a girl, and I didn’t even know we were dating. She got mad because I asked her friend out. I didn’t even know they were friends. Sometimes I think women only become “friends” when a dude is trying to holla. #kanyeshrug.
#okONEmore
What would you do if our kids were gay?
Let me stop… LMAO. I’ll see y’all next Thursday.
Hell yeah. People don't want to get to know each other at all. I blame it on the internet like I do most problems. It's like you have a conversation with a girl, not even romantically, just a simple meet and greet to kill time and they don't have anything to talk about. It's one good topic… it dies down, awkward silence, then you bring up another topic– a real topic like politics or something not related to TV and they act like you're a parent lecturing them.
Today saying " I need to get to know you better" is more like we need to discuss more misinformation and trivial bullshit.
Whoa. Reading this comment made me go O_O.
*standing ovation*
RLGS: "Today saying ” I need to get to know you better” is more like we need to discuss more misinformation and trivial bullshit."
In the words of O'Shea Jackson:
"Bullsh!t conversation about your occupation,
Here we go with this mandatory time wasting!"
Great comment….us men have historically chosen our wife by looks alone.
She looks good..
Where you from?
What's your sign?
Where you work at?
You know any of my frat brothers? No?
I'M IN LOVE!!!
I find it the best relationships stem from a strong foundation – IE friendship. The person I fell in love with (for real) and is my wife is my best friend. Because when were not being intimate, we have to be able to stand each other. I'd say find the right one for you is not super passionate, or feeling a certain way if things don't go your way. It should be calm, easy, and FUN.
*bang! bang! bang!*
*slumps down, runs around dodging bullets*
#ShotsFired!
LMAO!!!
As funny as this post is, it holds a lot of truths! You have to put it all out there ( I I ) and let them know up front what you want and what they may or may not get from you…
It's always a shame when you think that you know, y'all did the mattress dance, y'all hanging out and then wham! you get a call, home boy sees who it is, and things get awkward… #Don'tJudgeMe Next thing you know, home boy is asking all these questions and being emo… Yeah let them know asap lol
…and he was feeling down on his luck so when she asked him this, he replied, “Whatever I can get!” #RIPDrJAY
Can I be buried next to you?
This was another great post. The questions are on point and I would definitely want to know if this ninja is a
Blood or a CripRepublican or Democrat. Lol (thank you Tree)Oh yeah. It sucks to make assumptions. Something about making an @ss outta yourself and that "ump" will shun (-tion) you for the rest of your life. Ask or don't be told.
LMAO @ Blood or Crip -Republican or Democrat.
Blame Mr. Mad Scientist (Tunde) I can't take the credit haha
lol but it's really how i feel though.
Great Post Dr. J. All I'm saying is that, you can't consider me your girlfriend unless you ask, and I agreed. A couple dates are just a couple dates.
Many people have gotten hurt over just assuming stuff. People don't want to communicate much these days unless they are posting status updates on Facebook or Twitter.
I should use your comment as a Facebook stat.
100% co-sign!
Haha! I loved the post especially the last question had me actually LOL
Those are some serious questions. Very good list.
You wouldn't think "How often do you expect to see me?" is a necessary question. But dammit it is! I don't feel the need to see most people often (or at all), but apparently I'm kind of alone in this sentiment. Lol I've had a lot issues with this in my past situationships. SMH!
#Ican'tfunctionwithoutalonetime
#sensitiveninjasleavemealoneplease
Berriblk, how often you expect to see me is a great question.
Mon-Thur I'm busy and never know when my day will end so I'm a weekend girl. I let guys I'm interested in know that from the jump. But I might as well not, because I end up getting told, "You're too busy for me" when I turn them down on dates during the week. I'm like dude did you NOT hear me tell you I wouldn't have much time during the week.
This has happened to me more than once. I let guys know up front that I have 2 jobs and school. Then this fool want to act like it's a surprise when I'm in class on Thursday. You think that they would love that I'm not all up on them, but that's not the case. Then they ask me to quit my second job after knowing them for 2-3 weeks. Ummm, no. How am I supposed to get free movie/video games when you're no longer around in 3 weeks?
I agree with the general premise of the post about getting to know someone before you rush into a relationship. Some of the questions though are debatable.LOL 🙂
I think the timing of asking certain questions can be crucial. If you ask too soon you run the risk of scaring someone off…if you wait too long…you could end up with the wrong person. So, the timing has to be kinda perfect..but. never ask anything during pillow talk…you won't get an accurate answer.
The other side is sometimes people don't know what they want..they may give you a certain answer now and then change their mind over the course of time….and then other people will straight up lie to you to achieve whatever objective they may have set for YOU..either to use you, or just have s*x with you…that is when you look at their actions and see if what they're saying lines up with what they're doing……
Great post overall.
Queen T, I think if you make it to the 3rd date, then most of the questions except for the "committment" or "exclusive" question should be asked.
Time can never be given back. It's best to know upfront what or who you're dealing with than to find out 6 months later.
There's no guarantee the person is telling you the truth with their responses but if you find out later they were lying about something as simple as whether or not they like crunchy or creamy peanut butter; you know that person can't be trusted to tell you the truth on hardly any subject.
I don't necessarily agree that after the 3rd date most of these questions should be answered. I think if you are dating casually and really getting to know someone…over six months time you will get these answers….either directly answered or indirectly. I think the 3rd date is a little soon to have answered all of these questions….I am just speaking from my own experiences with asking too much too soon..and not really flushing out the person over time..beyond the first few dates.
I can only think of a comedian, a female comedian who was talking about a friend of hers, she used comedy to talk about "exit signs."
She had a friend who's boyfriend blew up on her on some "unforgivable" level type ish, she didn't say nothing, then she had a boyfriend who snuffed her on some get out the way ish, then he punched, then he beat her until she was in the hospital. She was real messed up too, never the same. Dude got arrested and sentenced to life without parole because it was his third strike and he already had a kidnapping and assault charge on a woman.
Why didn't she know this earlier? Why didn't she catch her exit signs earlier?
I don't think you gotta ask these questions up front or after a specific amount of dates, but you need to ask them. (Not all of them, I buy my own peanut butter.)
Like real talk, I tell everyone, "don't tell a guy you not having sex until you get married on the first date." You will be on 50 first dates before you know it.
"Like real talk, I tell everyone, “don’t tell a guy you not having sex until you get married on the first date.” You will be on 50 first dates before you know it."
You can put that lil nugget of gold RIGHT in the bank. #theycan'thandlethetruth
Cosign….
"Do you already have a person who considers you their boyfriend/girlfriend?"
Yes and it needs to be asked just like that–because at the moment the person is trying to get with you, they are SINGLE in their mind. But their significant other considers them as TAKEN.
Another question I ask is "Are you dealing with a crazy baby mama?" Depending on how this is answered will depend on if I ask more probing questions.
Oooh, good addition…the mother(s) of his kid(s) is a huge wild card. And if her is bad mouthing her from jump, peace out.
"and if he is bad mouthing…"
eff a typo!
This is one of the first questions I ask.
Someone political views/affiliation (Red or Blue) wouldn't necessarily be a huge dealbreaker for me if we had different views as long as when it came time for me to cast my ballot he wasn't trying to low crawl under the booth curtains hopes of pursuading me to swing vote his way.
Another question I think is important to ask is "how long have you been single" and/or "when was the last you were in a relationship" and "how long did it last". Based on the responses you can pretty much tell if your dating a rebounder/an emotional baggage handler from relationships past.
That's of course before they vote for Bush or against Prop 19 or for racial profiling laws in Virginia and Arizona.
Then you see where they stand on issues.
It can be traumatic to find out your dating someone who does not support gay marriage when your cousin is trying to get married to his boyfriend.
"…can be traumatic …when your cousin is trying to get married to his boyfriend."
>—]–O
Here lies So Flyy. RIP.
It boggles my mind that a bankrupt state couldn't get Prop 19 to pass.
On topic, I have no problem dating someone of a different political ideology. I don't run into too many female libertarians.
Really? I like to consider myself a libertarian.
"Someone political views/affiliation (Red or Blue) wouldn’t necessarily be a huge dealbreaker…"
It works somehow for Arnold and Maria.
JFK and RFK's daddy was a Republican. Them boys have guap so they could afford to be liberal. The Kennedy's now, they trying to keep guap… uh.. Republican. They be acting like they're Democrats, (sorry I mean Liberal), they they are as fiscally conservative as can be.
And no one takes Arnold seriously anyway.
Great post!
While asking certain questions are crucial…it's also crucial for the other party to be honest and ANSWER. Don't freeze up, start to stutter and give some vague answer. When all parties involved are on the same page…it makes for a much smoother ride (II)
"it’s also crucial for the other party to be honest and ANSWER."
Yup. And don't lie!
*Antoine Dodson voice*
Basically.
It saves a lot of precious time for both parties involved.
Best of luck on that unicorn search…*smh*
*camera pans in and swirls around me at the edge of a canyon, pulling at my hair, falling to my knees screaming* CAN I FIND AN HONEST DUDE PLEASE???
*sobbing on my knees, crestfallen. Fade to black*
LMAO!!!
End scene!
That was perfect, just wonderful! You accurately expressed what every single woman feels in regards to men being honest.
Take a time out and go to your trailer and get ready for the
whipped creamnext sceneiDIED! Dang Star….you are gonna get me fired! Another director just cut his eyes at me b/c I hollered out loud during his boring presentation. #thankGdforcrackberrys
Thank ya ladies 😉 The best writing comes from pain. lol
Hey, not to be nervous Nelly, but is Slim ok? There is no 3Ways post today…that's very unlike the good folks over there…I know some of ya'll know them
Biblicallypersonally (or at least via Twitter and e-mail…)Great post Dr. J!
I agree that these questions and many more need to be asked upfront.
Well before the knocking of boots as well, Chex seems to cloud judgment.
When you are saying hindsight is 20/20….its too late and now you have to look at it as a 'life lesson'.
"if you take a girl on a date, or within the first few weeks of dating, you take a girl out and she sees people she used to mess with or sleep with, it’s MAD uncomfortable and a sign that she might have too many miles on her."
How long would it take for a guy to be comfortable with the fact that a woman may have had a life before him? If its one guy then it doesnt seem like it should be a big deal. Now if its a few then I would understand. In small towns where there are like 3-4 hot spots you are bound to run into the past.
Imma get in trouble for this comment… (I'm sorry!!!!)
But like if you with a chick after she was in college, don't go to any alumni events with her.
You be in there feeling mad uncomfortable because it's liek 3-4 dudes that she used to mess with. Real man ish trying to tell yourself that "it's college," but you ain't trying to give homie dap when she say she used to work with him in the gym.
This comment made me spit out my food! Its soo true!
I def got the "I cant take you to _________ functions" speech before lol
Do you already have a person who considers you their boyfriend/girlfriend?
*in my Katt Williams voice* This. Sh*t. Right. Here. N!nja.
I don't know HOW many pseudo-single men I've met & how many angery girlfriends I've encountered. I used to get upset… now I chuckle at my past mistakes. I asked the question incorrectly, b/c in his mind he can be single ALL he wants but if SHE considers him taken, well dagnabit, he's taken. (reference point 11: Do you consider me your boyfriend/girlfriend?)
The last dude really upset me tho.. I thought life was cool. Then 7 months into casual dating I get a call asking me to leave her man alone & let them work on their relationship. o_O
Asked him about it, this ninja says… "Ok… we have a lot of attachments that makes her feel as if she's my girl." WTF does that even mean? Whatever it meant, I left it right there on the phone. Peace my ninja.
I'll add another question…
Are you the type of person who does not reply to people's text messages? You read, but don't reply.
o_O
Yeah, I said that.
Bwhahahahahaha!! I was sleep Jay!! I swear fo' GAHD! I did get it this morning but along those same lines… I seem to remember a text being sent a few weeks back chronocling some troubles a certain SBM female reader was having w/ mens that went unanswered. *crickets*
e_O
@So_Fly – #yeaboutdat
I can't respond to texts like those. I mean, you're perfectly okay. Be meaner to men, nicer to me.
🙂
I'm perfectly fine NOW Dr. J, what i needed was housecall and where was the doctor [#allPAUSEeverything] ?
Just want to point out that she didnt deny that she returns my texts…
@ Al B. Sure –
Just want to point out that she did not ask you to perform a housecall.
-___-
I
need toask that all the time::ahem::
She be returning my texts… **sips yoohoo**
Really doe? Really? LOL.
Streetz never fails to instigate. Smh.
@ Dr J – Game: Blouses…lmao
Bwhahahahaha… ya'll are killing me. Thank you for the end of day entertainment.
Asked him about it, this ninja says… “Ok… we have a lot of attachments that makes her feel as if she’s my girl.”
iHollered!!!
Perfectly utilized Kat Williams voice.
*golf clap*
*curtsy*
I always thought the "so what are you looking for" question from a woman was…well…very premature. I dont blame women for asking the question early on in the courting process…I understand the angle of it, but still…(to me) it reeks of #thurstyness
*women have asked me this on more than one occasion, and I always have the same answer. might as well be scripted:
"im not LOOKING for ANYTHING. ill let the situation between me and you dictate my wants and needs." then I go into "do I want to settle down?YES. do i want kids? YES.do I want monagamy and a bestfriend/wife/personal w**re? YES. but thats a ways down the proverbial road of knowing eachother".
before i start gettin butterflies n s**t about you…I wanna know all the questions Dr.J spoke of, along with your credit score…YES I said credit score…lol. just met a chick that told me her ex husband/baby daddy was in the federal pen, and that she was sued by her hairdresser.her hairdresser won. and she doesnt like sushi…I was quickly uninterested.
so much to want to know about a person…aka "whats in your fine print?", that date #1, #2, and maybe even 3 are too early to decide what I want from that woman.
you might just want me to come and slam ya pelvis a few nites a week. or be ya spades partner. so till we get starry eyed n what not..lets just hit a bleezie, do a happy hour or two, and play Nintendo Wii in our underwear, let it work itself out?
I definitely don't understand the thirstiness line? Is it b/c you assume that when she asks you she's looking for something from you? I mean she could be looking to only have a good time and not want to hurt a man who is looking for a relationship? In the professional world we call it managing your expectations…
Was just about to comment on this….didn't even have to b/c my homie SoFlyy handled my handle
its been my experience that women who ask that question right out the gate are "definately looking for something". im one man out of a billion…i know that my experiences may not be the rule of thumb.
i just think that when you ask that question so early in the process of meeting someone, you kinda showing ya hand a lil prematurely. just what ive seen. because in all actuality, im just as open to being committed as i am to being the cutty buddy and knockin' the bottom out of you. but before Im available to either one of those two things, i just like to feel you out and let the natrual progression (or regression) of things work itself out. i just try and stay breezy. what happens if you ask me that question and I say im all about marriage and kids and a suburban, and we both appear to be on the same page, then for whatever reason, im not interested in you in that way anymore? or maybe you arent looking at me that way anymore. thats when feelings possibly start to get hurt due to premature expectations.
but i dig what you sayin. i even understand why yall ask the question. just my 2 pennies.
Okay….
Well what if instead of a female asking you "what are you looking for" she just came out and told you her intentions and what she was looking for? How would you perceive that… THIRSTY OR QUENCHED?
If I recall correctly Hugh Jazz said that it was very important for us females to let a man know our intentions upfront.
Id say "thats fine and well". feel me on this: im happy being committed. im happy being single and free to mingle. the chemistry with a woman (obviously) will affect my level of interest in her…so untill i know how well we click, after the questionairre/credit check/polygraph (I JOKE I JOKE…but only kinda sorta) I dont even mention what im looking for. I always felt that when you go "looking", you dont find. or you end up trying to make that square peg fit that round hole. I dont need to speak my desires for babies with you right from jump. because my desires/wants can change, depending on whos in front of me, amongst other variables. I was in a situation some time ago where I wasnt looking for anything serious, and swore to myself that I wouldnt get involved, then before I knew it i was in love and wanted to be married. but thats because the situation (i.e.how i felt for the woman) dictated my wants and needs. im not saying to go some long period of time playing with a poker face…yeah, eventually you speak on what you would like, but only after youve decided what you want from that person. but on date 1, 2, or 3 per se…nah im cool. I wanna feel you out (no pun intended) and just let it go where its gonna go. am i crazy for thinking that?
GirlSixx: “If I recall correctly Hugh Jazz said that it was very important for us females to let a man know our intentions upfront.”
I stand by that, the question is what is “upfront”. When he says hello, you shouldn’t follow that up with, “Are you looking to get married?”. Unless you are planning on sleeping with him after the first date, you should be asking other questions and engaging in conversation. Let it flow naturally. When you get people to talk, especially when alcohol is involved, you can get them to show their cards. Some things will come out in the conversation and you’ll learn some things about him, and then you’ll also have an idea if you want to pursue something serious with him as well. When you have a better idea of what you’re dealing with, then you can ask what you are looking for. This may not happen on the first date. Remember, this only applies if you are looking for something serious and not FWBs.
Put it this way, the question of “what are you looking for” should be asked prior to sitting on his living room couch to “watch movies”.
"just met a chick that told me her ex husband/baby daddy was in the federal pen, and that she was sued by her hairdresser.her hairdresser won. and she doesnt like sushi…I was quickly uninterested."
She didn't like sushi? That is soooo a deal breaker for me! I totally understand.
sushi is #crucial
IMO, it speaks a bit to their open mindedness, sense of adventure, and flexibility…it's not all raw, you don't have to LOVE it but there's gotta be something in there that you can enjoy…live a little. No matter what restaurant you take me to, there's something that I can eat.
Every restaurant we go to my brother-in-law orders some version of chicken fingers and fries. Chicken fingers and fries at Ruth's Chris?
*blink* *blink*
But that really describes his personality to a tee…he's a chicken fingers and fries type of dude all around. *shrug*
I'm looking for more of a steak/sushi type guy.
@Starita
You've got to be kidding me!!! It's Ruth Chris for crying out loud…smh
I wouldn't even have taken him there. I could make him chicken fingers and fries at home for under $10.
Giiiiirl, I will not answer for my sister's choices. She loves him, he makes her happy, and he is a good guy. But man, if ever there were a vanilla dude, it is her husband. Luckily she's crazy adventurous, so they sorta compliment each other and Marcelis (my nephew) has a chance at normalcy…lol
OMG!!!!
When did asking someone about their Credit Score on the 1st date become pertinent information?? O__o
I remember back in May this dude had asked me while we where at the movie theatre and I thought he was joking around so I ignored him, then during the movie ole boy was trying to nibble on my ear O____o (eewwww) and while doing that he asked the question again "So Ma, what's your credit score?" *Blankstare* So I told him (mind you all of this taking place during the movie) I didn't feel comfortable discussing that right now right off the bat and on a 1st date BUT if things were to progress between us YOU would've eventually figured it out.
my rule of thumb on this one…is that if you got bad credit…you gonna not wanna answer that question…lol
or I'll steal a line from So Flyy and dub it(wantinig to know your credit score) as managing my expectations".
to me, bad credit (unless you made some bad real estate investments) is just reflective of how responsible you are. but then again, maybe ya momma put her bills in your name. i dunno…but nowadays with all the fake stuntin', its a good thing to know.
and for the record, not that anyone is asking…732,737,739.
my rule of thumb on this one…is that if you got bad credit…you gonna not wanna answer that question…lol
*lol*
BuuuuuT maybe… maybe not, For me my reason for not wanting to answer that question was SOLELY based on not wanting to start hearing some future get rich quick type swindles with me signing my name on the dotted line and he making future plans with my credit score.
DayL8: "to me, bad credit (unless you made some bad real estate investments) is just reflective of how responsible you are."
Co-signage.
I am so glad that you said this so that I didn't have to and sound jaded. (Yay reading the comments before adding my own)
I hate to go against my girls, but ladies for real, have you evah asked a guy what he was looking for and he said anything remotely close to "I really wanna see if you're wifey mater, get married in the next year or so, and start a family?" (my ideal answer, adjust for your preference).
NO. They always (yeah, not always, but most times) say, "I'm just looking to have fun and see what's good. I'm not looking for a relationship" ie. let's have some chex and if you don't annoy the ish outta me, I'll add you to the stable. Then when you start falling for him, he's got that "I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship" in his back pocket just ready to slap you in the face with it.
I do think that it's important for us ladies to state our expectations up front, but as for asking him…it's mostly just ceremony, I don't give it to much credence.
And if we're keeping it all the way real – how would we respond to a guy that we don't know yet telling us that he's looking for a wife on the first through third date? Might come off as a bit punkish unless you were already really into him. If a decent man wants a wife, it doesn't seem all that tough to get him one. #biased
*strapping on the Kevlar*
I recently "talked" to a muslim man (I say talked, because we never actually got to the going out part), and he stated that he was searching for a wife (point blank period) on the first call. It was startling (especially when he mentioned that he wouldn't even touch my hand until we were married), but something I guess I could've handled if that was the only issue.
That's b/c Muslims (if they are REALLY practicing the faith) don't "date" how we do in Western culture. Clearly this man is at a point where he is looking for a wife, so any woman he comes in contact w/ is being "interviewed"
Yeah, I know that it is different for Muslims, but it still threw me off because most of the Muslim men I've met don't actually follow that. I don't think there is a single thing wrong with the way he was going about "dating" (I think it's refreshing actually), but there were a number of other issues at hand. *shrugs*
[“I’m just looking to have fun and see what’s good. I’m not looking for a relationship”] ie. let’s have some chex and if you don’t annoy the ish outta me, I’ll add you to the stable.
Then when you start falling for him, he’s got that [“I told you I wasn’t ready for a relationship"] in his back pocket just ready to slap you in the face with it.
I don't see the confusion/lies/deception here… He stated what he wanted BUT most importantly he said what he DIDN'T want (A Relationship)
I guess what we have here is a failure to communicate
and listen.– He said he didn't want a relationship. I said that I wanted a relationship.
– We continue dating, 1st mistake on both parts.
– I think that dating is a means to finding a relationship, perhaps this assumption is mistake #2.
– He treats me as one would someone that they were interested in having a relationship with. Error numero tres.
– I believe his actions over his words. Especially knowing the way that men are conditioned to behave in this society and that all the relationships around me started with the man saying "I'm not looking for a relationship" *sideeye* I've lost count of all the offenses…
– When are men ever "looking" for a relationship? Rarely.
If we were only to date men that stated that they were looking for a serious relationship CNN would have to do a whole 'nother report on the 99% of women being unmarried.
No one lied by words…they just said as little as possible to still get what they were wanting out of the deal. Him – skins and a meal, Her – a real relationship. Which is why it's called an effing game
and it sucks.Starita: GOTCHA…
Damn Shame….
WE gotta be laced/fitted/suited with Teflon, Body Armor, Steel, Granite and Kavalar to participate in this SPORT. It's not for the Fragile.
Dayl8, you putting up your credit scores and talking about your love for sushi? What's next, telling everybody how pretty your babydaddy hair is and that your whip is fly/bossed out? Cut it OUT! #cockblockin'
LMAO.
http://www.gifsoup.com/view/930389/finish-him-2-o…
*edit* BP WINS!
thank you…um… I guess now we can admit to personally knowing eachother?
anything else you wanna add to that? you got the mic
on 2nd thought…bite ya tounge.
sidenote, I don't need to know your credit score up front, simply put, if your finances aren't in order we won't be getting married. It's funny though, a lot of dudes who stunt with their credit score have horrible credit because they live on plastic. Meanwhile, women say they have good credit, like it's to be rewarded when they don't have to live on plastic when they spend very little money courting and providing.
I think my advice, as a finance guy is to make sure that the person you are dating is fiscally responsible. She might have 850 credit and have absolutely no savings account, or spend $200 a day on lottery tickets.
I dont think anyone really believes that a FICO score is the "end all be all"…but it is one variable in the equation/check in the box, etc. but bottom line is you're right.
@Dr. J and dayl8$1.00short
Not for nothing and all jokes aside, I understand where you both are coming from with this whole FICO score and finances being in order question before a MAN or WOMAN decide to make that person THE ONE. . I have a co-worker now who is going through it with her SO because he owes the IRS xyz amount of dough (he' used to claim 99 on his W-2 forms back in the day) to the point ole boy is on a payment plan. #WTF??? but hey it is what it is and now today she wants to do the whole american dream thang (get married buy a home buy a dog, etc.) and this is hindering them because he doesn't have the funds nor the FICO score due to owing the IRS..
But I will say this — someone with a mid to low 6?? FICO score WILL NOT keep me from getting into a relationship with him if my heart is in it as long as I know he pays his bills on time and pays more than the monthly minimum because at the end of the day that is how you increase your FICO scoring..
YOU HAVE TO OWE SOMEONE (banks/mortgage companies/car loans/ furniture stores, etc.) IN ORDER TO HAVE SOMETHING (house/car/furniture, etc. and THAT'S REAL TALK……..
Honestly I don't think asking these questions are crucial. I feel you discuss the topics but dont put to much value on a person's answers. I know from experience, delivering and receiving, you can fix your mouth to say anything. So I suggest pay more attention to a person actions. You will save yourself a lot of time. Like Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are, Believe Them". Following this Mantra you wont have to continue saying to yourself…"Well She Said This, But Does Another"
I feel you, but I also believe in a web of trust. You should ask the questions and watch their actions, moreover, ask for references too.
It is perfectly okay for you to ask around about a dude.
I already hit up, "Hey It's Me.." about a few shorties in NYC, since i'm going to be up there Saturday. On some like, "Yo, what's her deal?"
But let me also play devil's advocate.. for some of these questions, if you cannot believe a person's words then you probably ain't close enough to be doing certain things anyway. Not for nothing, take for example a chick will be like, "I need to see his papers from the doctor before we have sex!" I'm always like, that's cool, but why are you having sex with a dude and you don't trust the words out of his mouth? Don't you think you should wait until you have established a level of trust and respect for each other that you can believe what he says.
I don't know that's just me.
I agree with you J.
Hormones are something else though.
"why are you having sex with a dude and you don’t trust the words out of his mouth? Don’t you think you should wait until you have established a level of trust and respect for each other that you can believe what he says."
Excellent point! I found that me being honest with females somehow makes them comfortable to be honest with me so there is no "game playing". I don't have an long list of sexual partners. I'm certain I'm below the average for my age…I think.
Great Post J.
I'm all about asking questions early on in relationships. It's the main tool you have for getting to know someone. One line of questioning worth adding to the list is one that leads you down the path of getting to know their family history. Coming from a stable home has its benefits and detractions as does coming from a broken one. Knowing which one your potential s-o comes from would help you understand them a lot better.
In addition to asking alot of questions, it's also important to be honest about yourself. There are things about me that my wife needed to be aware of before we got serious. Things like, I have lots of female friends that I plan on keeping, I don't come from a "good" family by standard definitions, I've broken a heart or two in my time… etc.
Lastly, I've always been big on having the, "so what are we conversation". I think sometimes people try to swindle other people into believing we're too old to have that conversation. We're not too old for that, it's actually the mature thing to do. Just don't do it prematurely. If you think this is someone that you want to have a LTR with, that conversation is essential. Boundaries are everything in a relationship and that conversation establishes boundaries.
That said, I won't be on here tomorrow or all next week. Celebrating 4 years with the wife – going away from this cold a** NY weather… see yall when I see yall!
Enjoy and HAVE FUN! Congratulations on making to four years! Willing you MANY MORE!
#iamemotionalyesiknow
Congrats Most!! Hope you both enjoy yourselves and each other. ^_^. make that 4 a 40. *tailfeathered whoop* 😀
"Boundaries are everything in a relationship and that conversation establishes boundaries." Yeaaaah buddy.
Congratulations on the 4 year anniversary! Enjoy your time away.
I never know how to feel about comments regarding one's upbringing
Anywho… Congratulations! *slips Most some e-cash* Have some e-champagne on me. 🙂
Sane,
i know exactly what you are talking about… i'm a feeler, i feel for everything and everyone so if you tell me about your upbringing and it doesn't sound close to ideal or close to mine, i may start the "awww… you po' chile…" speech & that may not be want you want to hear.
MOST: My e-ninja live it up!! Yay for vacations & most definitely YAY for anniversary trips. If you weren't in NYC I'd be convinced you were married to my co-worker who is leaving for her 4 yr anniversary trip this weekend.
Congrats! Make some beautiful babies while your gone!!!
Thanks for the love folks…
BP… there will be no baby making while we're gone… just a whole lotta practicing… I ain't ready for no damn kids!
@Sane – when we pop the champagne, with the money you're slipping me, I'll twitpic it just for you!
I don't ask too many of these questions upfront. I like to let good conversation lead me to the answers. A person can tell you way more indirectly then when answering specifically.
One question that I ask directly is "do you consider me your girlfriend". I've been in situations where men have gone all "you're my woman" on my when I thought we were just chillin.
"What would you do if your kid was gay?"
OOOoooh I'm so asking this question when the time is right!! Why? Because it is completely necessary! I have a cousin who's mom attempted an exorcism on him when she found out he's gay. She obviously wasn't asked this question.
Ok back to the main point. Time will tell if you pay attention.
being hit with the “I’m saving it for marriage” or “I’m waiting for the right one.”
– i got hit with that before as well. i knew then that whatever we had wouldn't go very far. *shrug*
I was once dumped by a girl, and I didn’t even know we were dating.
^^^Same happened to be but it was a dude of course. i knew we were talkin but i didn't know it was official…we was butt hurt that i didn't want him back after that.
Funny post!
Wait.. why was your butt hurting though?
i meant "he was" and my butt wasn't hurting…he was all hurt cause i didn't want to get back with him/hook up/whatever cause he then proceeded to say stupid ish like "i won't invite you to my wedding" blah blah blah like i wanted to be there…he is now unhappily married to an ugly chick.
You must be from in and around the DFW area…they throw around "butt hurt" all willy nilly, with not a thought of a pause. lol
no ma'am i am not, i'm in & from NY but i went to undergrad in AL & there are plenty of people from that area that go to school there! lol! He was hurt that he'd never see my butt again, lol!
Full Disclosure or enough FD is always key. Heres some good questions in similar vain:
"If we were walking down the street holding hands, and a dude you know saw us, would he giggle in autotune at me? or shake his head in shame?"
Double standard me all you want, but that's important for me, reputation is important both ways, just need to know where I stand
"Would you consider yourself spoiled?"
Have to sift thru the women with the princess complexes. cant deal
thats all i got now.
“Would you consider yourself spoiled?”
O__O
This question can be answered with different scenarios.
What she might consider being spoiled MIGHT just be run of the mill to you depending on of course who you dealing with. For ex: she might consider herself spoiled because she gets to go to AppleBees or The Olive Garden 2x a month with a fresh mani/pedi with her new Cole Haan pocketbook in tow so to her the answer can be YES but to you it wouldn't qualify as being spoiled.
#FFT
Maaaaan Sixx be on my six, I was just getting ready to say the same thing. I mean 'spoiled' is a hard term to use. LOL. Do I like nice things? Yes. Am I conditioned to receiving them? Yes. Do I purchase them myself at times? Yes. But i don't always get what I want, when I want… and I don't throw tantrums when it doesn't happen. However, I will say that since my love language is 'gifting' maybe someone who doesn't see the point of gifting might think i want b/c i'm "spoiled" or I get b/c I'm "spoiled" when really people buy me things b/c either a) I deserve them or b) they love me 🙂
Do I like nice things? Yes. Am I conditioned to receiving them? Yes. Do I purchase them myself at times? Yes. But i don’t always get what I want, when I want… and I don’t throw tantrums when it doesn’t happen.
We're here *eye2eye* on This!!!!!
There's a difference between being spoiled and being a brat. Brats aren't appreciative of what they receive. You can be spoiled and not have a sense of entitlement and appreciate all that you receive.
EXACTLY….
Brats are NEVER a good look
That's why I don't like to use the word "Spoiled" I use the word "Blessed" instead…
Exactly. I am definitely spoiled but I am soooo not a brat.
Things to ask:
1. Do you have any hobbies? And what are they?
This gives you incite on what the person does to entertain themselves. I want someone with their own life, because I have my own.
2. How do you feel about oral?
Obvious importance… But don't ask this on date 1 though… LOL
3. Are you allergic to any animals and/or don't like certain animals? Do you have any pets?
I like dogs… With the right dog, you'll get extra points. I own a dog, so if you hate dogs… I don't know… Likewise I like cats, but I don't want to be around the person that owns a gazillion of them…
4. Ever been to jail?
5. Are you bi or bi-curious?
I don't like that bi question. It always seems to mean "would you be willing to participate in a threesome one day?"
so what happens if they say "yea, i'm allergic to cats" (i am)…would that be an issue?
#1 – Yall know what I meant!
#2 – the spoiled brats are the first to respond 😛