Pictured Here: Mr. Right in 2010
A few weeks ago, one of my friends Allison met her perfect match, her Mr. Right. They were both in the grocery store shopping, it’s amazing how you can tell when someone is single by looking at their groceries. She noticed that he was able to complete all his shopping with one basket and as he checked out, he grabbed a book and he had no wedding band on his finger. It’s just that nowadays you never know with men, you have to check for the ring, the tan line, or the fact that he drives a Toyota Camry. He gave her his business card, but he took down her number as soon as she gave it to him. Put it in his Blackberry. When she got home, she saved his information so she would know when he called, soon she started contemplating where they would go on their first date.
A woman sometimes needs to take control of the first date before it just goes horribly wrong. For example, there’s almost a 75% chance that the guy will try and do something slick or fresh. Allison is a little too old to “watch movies” or “meet up at the club.” Those two first dates mean this, “I’m trying to sleep with you, and I’m trying to gauge how much effort you will make me put in.” She didn’t want to smother him or make him think that she’s was high maintenance, so she decided to ask her friends what they thought.
She’s talking to her friends and she’s telling them how she met this perfect guy. He’s tall, he’s got nice teeth, he’s about 6’2” with a frame that suggests he goes to the gym regularly and eats well. She tells them that they’ve exchanged numbers but she’s confused on what to do for the first date. Anyway…
Going to dinner – Seems like a good idea, but your mouth is full. It’s not easy to have a conversation this way. Going to the movies – Yeah, it’s the easiest way to get her in the dark with her feet up. Wine tasting – Yeah, but what if he was planning on doing something else that day. Wine tasting is such a long date. So, meeting up for coffee would be perfect. They met up for coffee.
The following confuses mostly all men because we just don’t understand how women end up in these situations over and over again. Allison is focused on her career and really doesn’t want a man to be up under her all the time. The guy she’s dating, his name is Justin. Justin is a banker, international finance type. Justin spends most of his time in between NYC and several places in Europe including London and Geneva. This works for Allison as she is literally always working.
After her date with Justin, she tells all of her friends that she may have found “The One.” They see each other several times over the next two weeks. Justin doesn’t like to eat alone so they meet just about everyday after work for dinner and drinks. One thing leads to another and they end up sleeping together. Another thing leads to another and they end up doing this just about everyday. When sex is new in the relationship people tend to have it all the time.
This is the point where I meet Allison, or where I should say Allison decided to ask me for some advice. She wanted to know how does she move this situation into a relationship and eventually marriage. She’s got that Melanie Fiona flow, she just wants to have his babies. She’s thought about it almost everyday, what it would be like to be his wife, to have his kids. He’s such a great guy now, understanding and listens very well. He’s attractive, so the kids would be beautiful. They’d have a great marriage, a house in the States and one in Europe. She was ready to commit.
I stopped her. I asked her a simple question. “Have you put more thought into this than him?” 
Yes
Aww…I always wanted me "The One" while grocery shopping.
Correction: wanted to meet…
Boom! Then what happens is that her mouth falls open and doesn't know how to reply so she assumes that he does when in reality all she could be to him is just a regular booty call and then she gets hurt and says that hes a bastard and asks where all the good men are at…
Great post!
10 points for Lola w/ the summary. Lol.
Meh. I got questions… I know it says they've been sleeping together everyday but how long is everyday… we talking weeks, months? I mean I wouldn't expect him to lock her down or have made any type of relationship moves if they've only been dating for a month and two weeks of that month was just dinner dates as the story suggests.
That was a great question to ask her but I don't like to assume she didn't know the answer. I mean they could've very well talked relationships/future on those dates but since she is seeing no movement she asked for advice…
I'm a woman… I need details!! Lol.
Nonetheless, since I've seen my friends (myself included) get wrapped up in such situations I do understand the reality of the post.
*applause*
Claps
I agree wif Lola.
Communicate!!!!
If things are "that" great and he's "that" right, why does she feel that she can't ask him this stuff?
I stopped her. I asked her a simple question. “Have you put more thought into this than him?”
^^^i thought "well damn" but that is a great question…what was her answer?
We, or at least I, seem to get caught up in such patterns…her situation seems like a win but i'm wondering if there is more to it than just what is presented…there generally is but this could be the exception!
great post!
"We, or at least I, seem to get caught up in such patterns…her situation seems like a win"
I may be reaching, but I think this is his point…I felt the same damn way. Argh.
Sometimes we(women) get carried away. I like to think my life is some kind of Rom Com and that I've met the love of my life in the same isle at Borders, but it's all(sometimes) just imagination and wishful thinking.
It's good to have friends to back hand you with reality before you do something crazy.
***aisle***
Love it. Did she answer the question cause its a great question, I need to know what her answer is. Shoot women can size up a man on first contact and decide whether they gonna "Think" about given him some. The date allows us to decide " when" we gonna give it to him. The sex " decides" HOW/IF he will continue to get it. And then everything else is a BLURR! We seem to get either caught up in the sex being the ish and turn all Melonie Fiona on a man real quick. We prolly don't realize the sudden change but it happens all the time. She should ask him… I mean she is already out there on cloud nine so she needs to see if he even considers her marriage material. Did she even find out on the dates whether or not he wanted to "GET" married or "HAVE" kids? Simmer down grasshopper you jump'n all in talk'n bout a house in the states and one in Europe. HA
you need to take a step back and give some other things some serious thought and of course "ASK HIM" to see if he on the same length as you. At least if he tenses up you know to PULL BACK the reigns on the emotions and possibly the sex lol.
This is true at some point the woman should ask where are we going? Are we taking it there? Is this mutually exclusive….at some point that has to come up in the conversation. How is it there is no dialogue? And yes I want to know what her answer was as well.
Only in movies the girl gets her happy ending in a situation like that….
I think it's very straightforward, really. If he has thought about it even half as much as she has, then, barring special circumstances that we may be unaware of, they would at the very least be in a relationship.
If he did put as much thought into it, he would have at least attempted to lock it down as an official relationship. I'd be surprised if he would wait and keep the relationship purely sexual (every day?) if he was marriage-minded.
If I were Allison I would pull back for a while and see what his reaction was. If his reaction was positive (why are you pulling back? I miss you.) Then I would use it as a platform to discuss the parameters of the realtionship and what my thoughts and concerns were.
In 2010 nobody has time for a lot of b.s. games, certainly not Allison who just wants lots of cute fat babies so let's clear the air here and see what's what!
LOL at "wants a lot of cute fat babies"
Great Post Dr.!
Hopefully she found out his intentions before the sex butterflies started, she could easily self-sabotage if she is not careful.
We tend to show and therefore communicate our need for something a little deeper in many ways. So I am sure Justin knows how she feels, therefore she should just ask and ask specific questions a that.
None of that beating around the bush, I am scared of rejection type questions either. Straight up where is this going type questions. She obviously knows what she wants and would be doing herself a great injustice by not finding out the TRUTH early on. Time and energy should not be wasted on a lost cause.
She should know now so that she can make a choice before things get more complicated.
You can tell we're both married! LOL.
LOL. I know right!
good post…nothing much to add
This scenario has happened to me a few times already jumping into the future only to find that "one" was "not there". *le sigh*
This post is so on point!
YES!!
Homegirl is already at the finish line while ole boy is still tying his shoe strings.
I mean its only been a few weeks and she has already mapped out their future in her head. She needs to Slow Down just a lil bit and I think it's waaayyy too early to have the "where is this going" talk with him.
This is why I always tell women who are interested in making sure that the next relationship they're in is with the person they will marry, that they should stop having sex.
How does that work?? He's just gonna get it somewhere else …no?
If he's not looking to settle down, yes. But if a woman is looking to get married, why is she messing around with a man who is still playing the field?
EXACTLY..
Real talk, even if the man gets it from somewhere else, if he's truly interested in the woman on a romantic level, he will keep pursuing it. I know many a men who will sleep with jumpoffs and breezies, but have wifey lined up.
:sarcasm: Wow! Every woman's dream! :/sarcasm:
Maybe he will, but that person that he's using to fill his carnal, manly desires will not be the person he marries – she almost never is. So will he handle his business while they're dating but not committed -sure. So what though. She's not precluded from handling hers if its that necessary. Meanwhile, she's building a relationship with him on a solid foundation – on of friendship and non-sexual companionship. Eventually, they'll start talking about committment and making the relationship exclusive. He'll cut off the side pieces, she'll stop calling Peanut from around the way who aint shhh but is a great plummer.
Think of it like this, she can sleep with him now, before there's any commitment and he'll probably grow tired of her eventually and they'll move on and go their seperate ways. If she makes him wait till their in a committed relationship where he's said and meant "I Love You" and she's said it back and meant it then, she's not having sex with him, she's making love. That's totally different.
If you take the emotion out and look at it logically, not having sex protects her feelings from getting out of wack prematurly, it gives her the opportunity to see what he's looking for, and it gives him the chance to get to know her absent the sex. If he really enjoys the time he spends with her when they aren't having sex, he'll consider her for marriage. If he doesn't he'll move on, and they'll both be fine.
One last thing… in the stated example that Dr. J has given, what makes you think he's not still getting it elsewhere? Ask a woman in a committed relationship how long she's been with her man, and she'll think to herself "wel, we met on…" and the man the same question and he'll think "well, I stopped messing with other chicks on…"
TMIMITW, we are in complete and total agreement. Sleeping with a guy before you even know if you're in/on a relationship path is a surefire way to get your feelings hurt (as a woman). Once you're out of college, I feel like that's a lesson that should have been learned.
Something being "old-fashioned" doesn't necessarily make it wrong.
+1. That's pretty much my approach to dating (Also the reason why business been so slow) lol.
Thank you! You live and you learn, and if something is not getting you the result you desire…change it.
Sex is not only to bring lil fat babies in the world, but also to bond two people together. Why would you want to continue to bond spiritually, emotionally and physically with a person if you don't even know where it is going? People should keep this in mind when throwing it in all willy nilly…lol.
The Creator is very wise. He is a Scientist. He knew he would need to do something to keep us connected in our marriages….sex does this. This explains why people cannot seem to leave people even if the relationship is bad. Sex is serious and more than just physical!
If they get it elsewhere, LET THEM. At least you won't be the person bitter, crying and upset when things don't work out. If sex is what is keeping him there, he will not stay long anyway.
I feel you fam. I try to explain this to my close female friends all the time.
There's nothing wrong with waiting till marriage. It works!
At the very least though, if you want to be married, you should not sleep with guys you think are marriage material untill you're in a committed relationship. Doing so creates an imbalance.
Sure, not having sex you're gonna lose a lot of dudes. Some of them will be ones you thought could've been the one. But, if they're not down to wait… they're probably were not and you should take solace in the fact that you avoided all sorts of mental anguish and heartbreak by not sleeping with them before they revealed themselves.
I agree —
Most, I think you just did a Professor X and thought-jacked me with that comment. I think I'm going to have to start wearing a helmet like Magneto and Juggernaut.
Seriously ladies, if you sleep with a guy three weeks after meeting him, why would you think you're more than a jumpoff? It isn't impossible to have a long-term relationship with someone you sleep with right away, but the odds certainly aren't in your favor. Make him catch feelings for you first, then give it up; don't give it up first and hope his feelings for you eventually catch up with his lust for you.
Truth.com
Like everyone else in this blog, I always anticipate a post from thee, Most.
I've lurked for a bit, and perused thru various topics that affect me as a woman, me as a black woman, me as a young black woman. And the topics are infinite.
Of course, the comments are what make for the most entertainment. I've seen and heard it all, and learned to accept opinions as they come.
However, RARELY do I ever read a comment that echos your sentiments regarding sex and how it relates to marriage.
The world has changed and become "progressive" in all things, so when a young Black man in a happy marriage "brings it back to the basics," I breathe a sigh of relief that there are quality men out there. The type my mother and grandmother told me to hold out for.
Thank you for your words that will prove that a woman need not conform (even when I have) to the standards of society to reach her goals.
You are a rarity.
As I get older I'm seeing the truth to this. The last two long situations I've had are remarkably different with different results. I've had Allison's situation and I've had a situation where I made my guy friend wait until we were in a serious relationship and THEN some… And where was I happiest? In the relationship. Allison is in those half-way relationships that only serve to drive a woman crazy. She either needs to step up or step out.
"However, RARELY do I ever read a comment that echos your sentiments regarding sex and how it relates to marriage."
THIS. I read some of the comments during my lunch break and was just waiting to get home before saying that very rarely do I see men advocating celibacy, regardless of the reason behind it. I agree that it's always a great idea to leave the sex until "I do"s have been exchanged. Many disagree because they're worried about sexual chemistry and/or can't fathom any reason why anyone would want to go without sex, but it allows for a solid relationship to blossom. And hey, it's nice to have something special to look forward to on wedding night.
I agree.
There's no need to have sex so soon in the relationship. If he's truly interested in a relationship with you, he'll stick around. If not, he'll mess around with other women whether you give it up early(or at all) or not. There's nothing to lose by abstaining.
I'm at that point now and currently writing about it. I'm not necessarily ready for various reasons to actually be in a relationship, emotionally. But I'm so over, casual relationships too. So I'm working on trying to separate the two, and re-choreograph my dating or stop dating all together.
Or just find guys that want to get married/committed.
That doesn't seem to be the case here.
Allison needs a married friend. Or a least a single homegirl with common sense. smh… Not that you give bad advice, but she shouldn't even be at this point. She's talking marriage and babies, and she's not actually in a relationship with the man? Coffee, dinner, and sex? And she has no clue where she stands with this man? Really?
I agree with RedLady and BB, be upfront with him (which is what she should have done already), and ask him point blank. Unless Allison is a 22 year old with time to spare, she needs to know what's up, like yesterday. Wasting time is what kids do. Be an adult, for god's sake.
Well, the key to great advice is to not give any. Ask questions and encourage development. The reason why I asked that question is because I don't want to say, "ROFL, dude you're moving too fast, slow down for a minute." That's only going to hurt her feelings and make her not feel comfortable talking to me anymore.
Well Yeah if you put it to her like that – "ROFL……." O__o
SMH.
The last line of this post made me laugh out loud in this class.
I do feel that after a certain point, women who are dealing with men get caught up and start seeing "the bigger picture"…and sometimes the men in that situation haven't thought past the interactions for that day. For me though, since I already know I'm prone to falling hard for a dude, I self-regulate. When I feel myself starting to contemplate names of kids, I take a step back and re-evaluate exactly what has transpired up until that point. Usually, I'm just being extra and getting carried away by the glitter of having someone who makes me smile *shrugs*
You point out a key difference in men and women.
Men plan what they need to and what they can control. Women plan everything, including things that are out of their control.
It is not out of her control. She has choices once she finds out where things stand Animate. What is out of her control is his answer, what she does with that answer is her decision.
**COSIGN**
mad love from kenya people
How many comments do we have about women assuming stuff? This is a no-brainer to me.
I used to be that person, but when you realize that everything is great, except you're not really in a relationship and it turns out that you're really just wasting time because you're both not on the same page, #nobueno.
IMO, this will more than likely not end in her favor. It just sounds like ol' boy is lonely and desires female companionship which she is freely giving while daydreaming like a high school girl.
I used to travel extensively for work and be away from home for months, so it gets lonely on the road and you do yearn for some sense of stability and I think that is what's happening with him. He has a built-in companion when he comes home, so he doesn't have to eat alone and he can have conversations with someone familiar. He's able to have s*x on the regular when he gets back, so that takes care of the physical along with some intimacy, and he has all this on a regular basis without the confines of a relationship.
She really needs to re-think her position and wake the h*ll up!
Yes, she's definitely put WAYYY too much thought into this.
I really enjoy your writing. Great post 🙂
Good post. He's already got everything (or most of everything) that goes on in a relationship. He sees her everyday for dinner…sex when he wants it…talk daily… I fell into something like this before & then homeboy said "I have everything I want without the commitment." I had to fall back…all the way back. As previous comments stated, Allison should fall back a little & see what happens. If he, reaches out, great! If he could care less, she has her answer.
I want to know what happened when yu asked her that question.
First of all I need to stop shopping at Safeway because this sh*t never happens to me.
Second, if they're both mature adults I'd assume there'd be some talking in between all this daily/nightly sheets action so why wouldn't she and he know automatically where they were in this relationship.
By all accounts, this sounds very one-sided. She's already picking out baby names and nursery wallpaper and he just may be "sowing his oats".
If you want to know where to find women at in the grocery store ask yourself why you shop at Safeway. Probably because it's cheap and they have a bunch of sales. Is that the type of woman you want to date? Nope.
Go to Whole Foods.
Harris Teeter and Trader Joe's are okay too. You'll find white collar women who don't believe in spending a lot of money but want to eat healthy.
Wegman's has great beer.
Just stay out of Safeway, Aldi and Shopper's Food Warehouse looking for women.
:0] And wouldn't you know there's a Trader Joes right down the street from me in HoCo? I've never been because it seems too uppity. Sounds like I need to embrace my inner bougie-negro side and step my grocery game up.
thanks!
Trader Joe's is BOMB! And it's not that expensive either…and all of the food is good!
OMG! This comment has me cracking up but there's certainly a difference between the crop of shoopers @ Whole Foods vs say…. GIANT.
lol.
Women marry before the first date…We are planners by nature. Some of us have been planning their wedding since they were 5 years old, running around the house with a shirt on our heads as the veil and the fake flowers in our hands from their mother's vase in the living room sitting on the coffee table, humming, dum, dum, dum, dum, walking around in their bedroom.
NOT ME THOUGH.So when we meet a guy, we do tend to open the TO DO LIST, and start running down the description of what we want in a groom/father. And if it looks like it fits, then well, calling up the bride's maid. "I think I found the ONE."
Seriously though, we do tend to get a head of ourselves in a dating. Stop looking so far into the future, you can't even so yourself anymore, you only see a wedding band, ESPECIALLY, not considering Does he really see YOU in his FUTURE? And only assuming, because we obviously have all the qualifications,
and we've given it up in our heads, already,why wouldn't he?some of us have been planning their wedding since they were 5 years old
I started planning my wedding 3 months ago, my fiance has a 22 year head start on me…
thats that bullshit*Snickering/Giggle*
But it's the truth. 🙂
I honestly have not been planning since 5. lol. I've actually been-there-done-that. But in fact, did not have the wedding of my dreams. We literally said let's get married, and did so the next week. But now that I know better, I am not rushing in thinking that because he might be on my list, he's the one. Experience has taught me that.
But in the sense that those that have always dreamed of the "man of their dreams" and the whole "wedding thing" some people have this perception, that they let overshadow, the obvious hurdles that come with relationships, and want to rush in not thinking clearly. So to expect too much too soon.
I agree. Women are planners and they are good at it. I find my females friends being more strategic when it comes to planning out dates and where they want to go. I'm like "you just met this dude, wait" I think that's what makes the beautiful dynamic between the two.
Just tell me what you want and I'll let you know if I disagree or agree. Agree??
Agreed… lol. But I understand where you're coming from. We just know what we want, and so if given the opportunity will tell you what we want and when we gone do it. And expect you to agree, even if you don't.
Women have got to learn to stop trying to plan/control a future that isn't theirs. All of this and she is still wondering what they status of the relationship is? I do agree with someone that asked how long has this been going on because that is very important.
So whose future is it? It IS her future and she is just merely checking to see if he wants to be a part of said future. This is exactly why she should be concerned. If he is just sowing oats, she needs to know this up front, no?
She has to take her life into her own hands and not hope that he is on the same page with her. There are too may people waiting on the other person to make a choice they should have made.
It is funny how people are never in a rush to discuss marraige but are quick to expect and request the benefits of one.
If they have not discussed anything she is trying to plan part of something that is not in her control. That something being the man. She has started planning all of this stuff without the prerequisites being there.
That's the point I'm making and I've seen women do it countless times for reasons that aren't well thought out or impractical.
Bad choice of words on my part on the opening sentence there. My apologies.
Expectations……..they'll get you in trouble err-time.
Women are weird….
"She wanted to know how does she move this situation into a relationship and eventually marriage"
At least she had gotten to this point in the relationship which justifies her asking the question. I've had girlfriends who would ask the question as soon as Justin gave them his business card. And by girlfriends, I mean me…I kid I kid…or do I?!? *nervous laughter*
What are talking about? Yes! Of course, from the instant she saw him and did the whole ring, grocery selection, diet deduction she's been thinking more. That's what we DO.
And why was she planning date one? Am I crazy or is that almost always the man's role, extenuating circumstances excluded?
Its whoever asks responsibility to plan the date
"When she got home, she saved his information so she would know when he called, soon she started contemplating where they would go on their first date."
Sounds like she was planning it before he even made the first call! *smh* WDDTA??
Same thing I was thinking! From the story, I thought he asked her out.
That's a huuuuuge turn off. Ask me out, then tell me to plan the sh*t. FOH
Got em.
lol
I assume ur saying that this is a "made-up" scenario again. Of course it is. Or else, how would he know all the details to her situation.
Still, it garnered a nice discussion, because this type of scenario gets played out too often.
You guys are funny.
Made-up, nah… based on a true story.
When I do, because I rarely do, give advice, I ask so many questions and I listen very well. So I can have all this detailed information. It's like medicine trying to figure out what's wrong with a situation.
Inside the Writer's Studio:
The thing about today's post was that I had a conversation with someone about how she would rather have the relationship in her head than in real life because that way she will not be disappointed. I nodded, and I respected that because at least she won't get pregnant or catch an STD that way. She was not having sex with the man she told me about.
This post was based on that story, but I added in a few dashes of color. My last few posts have been trying to take you to that "feeling" instead of trying to give you advice. I mean, opinions are like as*holes, everyone's got one. People say i'm an a*shole, so i'm not sure what that means when people read my advice. Anyway, what I hope the reader gets out of this is how it feels to be in that situation. The same with last week's article where I showed you an email by a guy frustrated about his dating situation. You can deduct from it what you want, that's my goal.
What's even better is that you guys the readers of SBM, truly the best on the internet, you have all the answers right there in comments section. And I appreciate your comments because i'm sure someone needed to hear it coming from your personal experiences. Anyway, i'll see y'all next week.
Nice strategy.
Oh I like this. Great job on the post!
Once again stellar f'n work Doc.
Before the sxx even starts, women should honestly ask themselves if they will be okay if a committed relationship doesn't follow. If the answer is no or I don't know, it's probably a bad idea.
I am sooo upset. This site is now blocked at my job. Lol!
Anyway I agree with others who have said she should have had a relationship conversation before the sex. Yea I agree but why can't I seem to understand that when I am 'Allison'?
Good question.Sometimes we (as women) need to make our intentions known BEFORE getting intimate with someone and we don't. Then we're left trying to figure out how to finagle a propose out of someone who may not be marriage minded. If I were her, I would find out where he stands on the whole issue of marriage before I went any further and if he ain't there yet, slow things down. Who knows he may not be commitment phobe, he could also be on the same page and just hasn't broached the subject yet. Either way she needs to know.NOW. Peace out. Sis Anjanette.
I'm late but who cares 🙂
Ask! It's never too early. In my experience a guy wants to lock it down ASAP when he wants to and not at all if he doesn't. Everything else is a jump off.
I personally would not have slept with him before asking him what his intentions were, or if he had any at all.
Men of that age group (guessing) and of that stature have no problem telling you what they want and what their lifestyle can support (emotionally).
If he provides an ambiguous answer then she should determine on her own how to proceed…but remember if you give s*x with no strings attached and then try to attach the strings later…you may have a better chance to win the lottery. And not the SBM lottery.
I personally would not have slept with him before asking him what his intentions were, or if he had any at all.
Men of that age group (guessing) and of that stature have no problem telling you what they want and what their lifestyle can support (emotionally).
If he provides an ambiguous answer then she should determine on her own how to proceed…but remember if you give s*x with no strings attached and then try to attach the strings later…you may have a better chance to win the lottery. And not the SBM lottery.