What?! You know Samantha is BANGIN... why ask?!

Fellas, I speak to you from a seat of compassion and experience. I know you are sick and tired of using the Women Language Rosetta Stone to decipher what women #ReallyMean. I know you want to “be you” and keep it real and say what’s on your mind all the time. I’m not trying to suppress this natural instinct of yours, I want to show you tact. To err on the side of caution when dealing with the fairer sex is the key to adding more years on your life, avoiding the danger of pum pum sequestering, and in essence, maintain your sanity. There are some words, phrases, and topics that, if brought up a certain way, can invoke Shao Kahn to yell the immortal words “Finish Him” before a young lady douses you with a heavy helping of ether. So allow me to present 5 words, phrases, or topics that you should AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE

CALM DOWN!!

I had to lead off this tutorial correctly. When a woman is angry, annoyed, or agitated (respect my alliteration), she feels like she has the complete right to feel h0w she feels. If she’s right, this feeling is magnified 100%. If she is in the wrong, it’s magnified 100000%! She will want to vent, she will want you to hear and LISTEN to her points. Now, she may need to be shaken like Chris Rock suggested calm her nerves a bit,  but to Instruct her to do so is a fail beyond belief! She will hit you with the reversal that would make Lei Wu Long blush and have you looking silly. So what do you do if you want her to calm down? Listen and hear her out, then answer with SIGNIFICANT and MEANINGFUL commentary. Don’t tune her out, they can sense it! Be attentive, be responsive, and be smart in the way you convey that she needs to take a chill pill. Sorry for the 90s reference. Writers Block, FTSwindle

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Are you on your period?

Along the same lines, and probably more egregious than Calm down, is this inquiry. This is an immediate technical foul. Matter of fact, this is a flagrant two and ejection from the arena. I’m going to keep it so real: she MAY be on her punctuation mark, but she either won’t admit it, or accuse you of scapegoating. I actually can predict when my female friends are flowing like G.O.O.D. music in a freestyle cipher. Blame it on growing up with sisters and mom, but I just know. I’ll usually get a “shut up! LOL” from them, but I’m right. The difference? We aint thronxing so I can be forward! Too many men have ruined this observation for us, so don’t cry over spilled milk. Just hold it in, and ask later.I wanted to say “spilt”. that’s not a word right? OK, anyway…

Your friend is HOT!

This one is a little tricky. Some women can hold these conversations without any hate or anger towards  a man. However, men need to know the woman with whom they converse.  You know if a woman is insecure and doesn’t want you to admit that you notice that their constituents got the yams. You also know if you have had any type of non platonic relationship with people she knows, and commenting on their looks might don’t make it in this circumstance. If she brings it up, then you can agree, HUMBLY, or use the old reliable: “with all due respect…”

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Your opinion

“Does this dress make me look fat?” “Am I gaining weight?” “Do you think I talk too much?” We call these alley-oops.  You can finish and get two points, but is it a highlight dunk or did you spazz and ask whether or not Grant Hill drinks Sprite? Once again this is a “know your woman” response. If she tells you to be real, BE REAL! She’ll know if you are trying to #swindle. On the other hand,. some women are LOOKING for the #swindle, and don’t want the realism, even if they ASK for the realism! I would say be real, but don’t be harsh, unless she can a) take it and/or b) asks.

“OK”

The great equalizer. The 2 letter statement that can send a woman through the roof in an argument. Usually you’ll be compelled to utter this phrase after a 45 minute diatribe about how she feels, what she did right, what you did wrong, and how it makes her feel. Sometimes you don’t want to hear it. Sometimes, you want to be that @sshole and just shut the conversation down. Sometimes you want to just say what you will to end the convo and avoid a hemorrhage of the eardrums. Saying this phrase guarantees a continuation of the argument, silent treatment or other shows of displeasure, but hey, you gotta shut em down once in a blue moon right?

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There’s a million more, but what’s the fun if my SBM homies can’t have none?! Add away. Ladies let me know what you think of my list. Fellas, have you gotten caught up in these phrases?

I was going to put “You mad?!” as my sixth phrase,