How can you possibly caption this? Um... "not everybody can hang."

I was having lunch with a friend and she was telling me about a situation that was going on with one of her girlfriends:

“Yeah, and so she’s due any day now. They had called her last Thursday and asked her to come in because she was having some complications, they were going to induce labor. She was due in a week anyway. Her baby daddy was like, “I got to leave work?! Does this mean I can’t go out?! Fridays is my night with the fellas!”

Of course after I got my composure and pulled myself off the floor, I responded, “Hey you have to keep your night with the fellas sacred.” My lunch date looked at me as she does most times when I’ve said something borderline ridiculous. However, I wasn’t joking. On my ride home this weekend I was talking to my boy and I told him, “We need to pick a fellas night and stick to it.” This conversation was mainly brought about because we are trying to plan our strip club attendance around football, and he said that his girl likes to spend Sunday nights with him, so it’ll probably have to be Monday. Not many of you know this, but football and naked women go together. Heck, we’ll find any reason to go Stadium Nightclub. (That link is NSFW).

Dude’s Night Out is like Pride Rock, and you must never lose Pride Rock. In that same conversation I told him about why we would go to The Park every Thursday and how someone told me that I lived in The Park and I said, “Nah that’s my night with the guys, and I don’t care what we do, we just cannot lose this night.” I went on to tell him that the second you start missing a Thursday here or there and your girl snatches that day up, you’ve lost Pride Rock, time to find greener pastures. Now, Dude’s Night Out has a few rules:

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1) Don’t tell your girl where we’re going, but find out where she’ll be – One night we spent an afternoon emailing back and forth about not telling the girls about where we were going. Guess who we saw when we walked in the lounge?
2) Don’t tell your girl where we’re at – If your girl sends you a text message asking where you are at, just delete and say you never got it.
3) Don’t tell your girl where we went, and if she forces you to, lie your ass off – If we were in a private room at the strip club with Buffie the Body, Pinky, and Jada Fire, you better tell her we were at a dive bar just having some drinks and talking about the Miami Heat. Make up a scuffle or shoving match, that’s called “selling it with the hips.” (And ANOTHER thing, when your girl asks you about something, don’t look like you’ve just seen a ghost or ask a dumb question like, “What you mean what we did last night,” just start laughing, it’s the best way to cover up your development of the best lie ever.)
4) You are allowed to occasionally bag a shorty or two, even though you have a girl, you just can never call or follow up – A man should be able to know he’s still got it, but he shouldn’t act on it. You’ll end up making a bad decision like not smashing off a Kerry Washington lookalike after you get her naked in your crib. (This is still the saddest scene in the history of Cinema.)
5) You better have a damn good reason for missing Dude’s Night Out, and it better not be anything p*ssy – Studying for the GMAT or CPAs, or you have to work late is okay, but if you say, “Shorty wants me to go to this play tonight.” I’m going to look at you like you are p*ssy.

With such exact rules, it seems that one or two always gets broken each time we have Dude’s Night Out. I know why though, so it bothers me less:

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1) Dry snitching is an epidemic. Your best mans and them will Kobe Bean you to save their ass. – I can see it now, she goes through your pockets and find a business card of some random breezy and you respond, “It’s just a business card! At least I’m not like Slim and actually taking women to hotels and sh*t!”
2) You know how they have that whole thing about the Guns or the Butter. The person who made that up lied to you. Men always take the Butter. – Given the choice between hanging out with the fellas and playing hide and go get it with the Misses, most men choose the sex.
3) People get drunk and do all types of dumb sh*t. – Everybody got that one basement chick that you have no respect for. She’s not your bottom b*tch, your bottom b*tch is strong like bull, she holds you up. Your basement chick is the one you don’t respect and many men find themselves at their house because they are drunk and looking for some poon at 3AM. LMAO, they haven’t spoken to this chick in months but they hit her up because she’s a jumpoff and you have nothing to lose. She can’t tell anyone you hit her up at 3AM, it’s an indication of how much respect people have for her.
4) There’s a Maverick in every crew. – Not many of you guys know this but people always think that Tom Cruise was the best pilot in Top Gun. But he was actually a horrible wingman, he continuously broke formation for personal glory.
5) At times, gracefully bowing out is the only way to keep yourself out of trouble. – Every now and then I have a friend who throws a gentlemen’s night at his crib. Many of times, dudes had to fall back because they know what happens at those nights. Ain’t nothing worse than waking up in the morning, sitting upright in a chair with your jeans around your ankles, pockets empty, and screaming, “F***************CK!”

In closing, here are my final thoughts, #jerryspringer, to the men — respect Dude’s Night Out, don’t take it for granted. And as always, STOP SNITCHIN! To the women – there’s no rule that says you can’t have girls night out too, the only thing I will say is that b*tches are catty. If I was y’all, I wouldn’t trust any woman as far as you can see her. She’ll be in the club texting your man that you wilding right now, meanwhile she scheming on some culo herself. Wait a minute, why does she have your man number anyway?!

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I’m hyping it… sigh. I’ll leave you with this funny story I saw the other day.

Proof that men have better friends: A woman didn’t come home last night; the next morning she told her husband she slept at her friend’s house. Her husband calls her 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it. A man didn’t come home last night the next morning he says he slept over at a friend’s house. His wife calls 10 of his best friends.. 8 confirm that he slept over & 2 said he was still there!!!

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