So if you were black watching tv last night, you were most likely tuned into the BET awards. This award show is the most polarizing awards show ever. People continuously complain about he quality of BETs programming and how they abhor it, yet will turn in to watch faithfully. The best part about that awards show is the twitter commentary that ensues. The slander that is produced with everyone watching simultaneously is so sincere!! One of the highlights came after the awards show, where Free, Kevin Hart, and Big Tigger hosted the afterpaty show. It was pretty normal, but everyone was focused on Free and the phenom which is her booty. It was so crazy, that her ass literally became a twitter trending topic!! Men and women alike paid homage to the rotund and ravishing assets that she possesses, but you knew some people would talk sideways. None more vocal than the new n*kkas who claimed that any praise of Frees backside was null and void because “she has a stomach”. Blank. Fucking. Stare!! Are you new n*kkas for real? That’s what you harp on?! A tummy? I was incensed and went on a tirade, but I realize it takes a village to raise a child, so allow me to coach these youngins on why their position is asinine.

You see new n*kkas fail to understand the concept of the cost benefit ratio. My dude Webster defines this general term well:

cost-benefit analysis – an analysis of the cost effectiveness of different alternatives in order to see whether the benefits outweigh the costs

When we talk about physical beauty, you have to apply this CBA to women as well. In other words, you weigh the good aspects of her physical appearance vs. the bad ones along with factoring in certain demographics to determine whether those qualities that you deem physical deficiencies will outweigh the positive features to lower a woman’s “rating” (majority still use the dime scale, so I’ll stick with that). So let’s apply the CBA to Miss Free shall we?

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Positive physical attributes

Pretty face (sorry I don’t hit anything unlike some of you wildebeest wifing dudes so this matters to me), great body overall(anchored by that crazy caboose) nice hair(that real friends wouldnt let her cut), natural beauty overall.

Physical deficiencies

A stomach (not a gut, there’s a difference)

So, any sane dude would look on paper and may/may not be convinced that shorty is bad. Or they may take the new n*kkas route and say she’s average or wack because of said pooch. Let’s take the outside factors into the equation and see how they impact her rating

Age

“Black don’t crack” sounds good, but the reality is that we all age differently regardless of race. I will say that black women do tend to age gracefully. This factor is overlooked at times but is undeniable. If you got dudes talking about laying pipework to Patti LaBelle at damn near 70?! Sheesh! Free is 43 years old and she looks amazing. Yo… Shes 43 tho!! You new dudes need perspective. These new chicks will become old chicks soon. That’s when the real comparisons hold weight. Some of these 20 something chicks look ancient bro! The women get younger and you get older. You are not Hugh Heffner fam. Unless you want to rock out until Chris Hansen comes through and crushes the buildings, keep that in mind.

Income

So maybe this is my inner chicken head speaking, but if shorty got $$$ she’ll have the resources to pay for what she needs to get right. Either that or she’ll have enough hush money to keep you smilin & wildin! In a more practical sense, if she’s fiscally responsible, has a good job, knows how to make her money work for her, and makes it drizzle and hurricane when necessary, that’s two arms up \(. .)/ Touchdown!

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Lifestyle

Man cannot live by genetics alone, but by the diligence of a healthy lifestyle. If someone drinks heavy, smokes, does hardcore drugs, eats like shit, or doesn’t perform proper upkeep on themselves, it’ll show. This correlates to so many areas. How many times have you seen a BAD chick, and when you introduce yourself, her breath is kicking like Liu Kang? What about if she has a chronic case of yuckmouth. Biggest. Turnoff. Ever! Ladies and gentleman, looking good now is great, but longevity is the sexiest thing on this Earth. I’m trying to win the marathon not the 40 yard dash. You can’t defeat Father Time but you can work with him.

Body Type

Certain physical imperfections can be masked or it’s impact on her aesthetics can be softened depending on body type. Weight on a short woman can and will look way different than on a taller woman. If you’re tall and thick (not fat thick for real) then your body will be proportional. The physical standouts are the taller women who are in crazy shape and hit all those problem areas correctly. They aren’t  the standard however, and if we talk on average, then those women may have “a stomach” but it will look more normal relative to her current body. Free is like 5 ft 3 at most. A lot of women who are bottom heavy like her tend to let themselves go and disguise it as “thickness”. You look at Free and her body relative to her lower thickness is tight for the most part. It’s like she has the genes of a 5 ft 8 woman in condensed form. That means she’s in that “trim to tone” range and not the “Jesus take the wheel” stage of fitness. Yep! Good to go!!

Kids

This is very key! There’s a lot of women who have kids and fall off for obvious reasons, while others just have super Stacy Dash goddess DNA where they bounce back like it’s nothing. The older you get, the more you’ll run into women with kids. Some of these women may not look as hot after poppin out a few rugrats so keep that in mind. The ones that take care of themselves and look better than when they were kid-less, and kept the extra weight from the pregnancy and put it in the right places is a excellent combo! Free has no seeds to my knowledge, but imagine the women that look like her AFTER kids?!?! Man listen…

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The X-Factor

Can she cook? Is she a freak? Will she cut the hand off a nikka trying to steal from you? It’s these intangibles, and more, that keep women winning.

These variables, when introduced into the equation of a women’s rating, clearly prove that the beautiful miss Free is winning and these skinny jean wearing, planking ass new n*kkas don’t have good taste.

So now you have your own personal formula to apply when considering how physically appealing on a non biased scale a woman looks. Fellas, what’s funny is women have and continue to apply a CBA to men for years now. That’s why you’ll see “whack dudes” with the baddest women. I mean, I already tried to tell you how ugly dudes stay winning right? Y’all don’t hear me though!

 

 

 

Tune in next week when I discuss The Womens Beauty Recognition Paradox. A Can’t Miss Event!!

In NYC? Today, June 29th, come join me at Human Intonation’s Protection is the New Black: Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell. It’ll be an interactive discussion on sex, relationships, protection usage, and other topics. Not to mention your dude Streetz is a guest panelist! Slim there, Streetz there, Mama there, P there!! Come join us, everybody’s doin it! For more information on the event, click here.