Shout out to your mirror and the extra work it has to put in as you self-diagnose yourself.

I had a post lined up for you guys until late last week a friend of mine asked me to look at a picture of a young lady in a bathing suit. I took a look at it and I said, “Yo, I told you that sunglasses is like pencil skirts to me. They deceive men.” And then he said, “lol… no, she look like she working with something.” I took another look at the picture and concluded, “Yeah, she do, but that look like it could be fat-back.” Now everybody knows exactly what I’m talking about, fat back makes men think they have a chick with a phatty, but it turns out that’s just a collection of fat stored on her back. This got me to thinking, and I replied, “This would make a great post.” (As if we’ve had any shortage of posts on lately that speak to the Passion of the Black Female Body Image.) I thought I had some things to add to the discussion though, things that were worth noting.

Fresh new mix from my main man, DJ Todd aka @carverthegreat, this one’s called, The Low End Thoery, Vol.2 – Callipygians:

First let me start off by saying this about myself, I’m not a breasts or butt guy. I’m more like a proportioned guy. I will also admit that Cherokee D’Ass scares me. I’m terrified of Buffie the Body. And I think that people have been gassing Pinkie for years. I just don’t see what’s all that attractive about her. However, what I will tell you is that although I’m more likely to be impressed by a flat stomach and a nice pair of legs, I can speak the lingo and I can diagnose some booty with the best of them. It shouldn’t surprise you that last night when I’m playing the Single Ladies drinking game, although Lisa Raye’s poor acting skills force me to listen to the show on mute, I’m not above, standing at attention in my football pose and saying, “YAMCEPTIONAL PERFORMANCE” every time she graces my TV screen.

(For those of you who haven’t heard of the Single Ladies drinking game, it goes a little something like this, you take a shot for any of the following; (1) A booty shot of Stacey Dash, (2) a booty shot of Lisa Raye, (3) every time Stacey slaps Lisa Raye on the booty, (4) TWO SHOTS for every booty shot of the white girl, because as I’m sure you’ve heard me say before, “that white girl got [ass] for days,” and (5) the first person to note that Stacey Dash is not wearing a bra doesn’t have to drink, but everyone else has to take a shot. As a word to the wise, Stacey has not worn a bra in the last ten years.)

Nonetheless, Single Ladies affords me the opportunity to break down, in my personal opinion, the various types of booties.

1) Stacey Dash, “Petite” – I can’t lie, I think Stacey Dash’s figure on this show is perfect. In my opinion, every guy’s likes are different. If there’s one thing about a body image article written by a man that you have to keep in mind, it’s that all men are different. I like athletic bodies like Stacey Dash, but some men will tell you she’s skinny. The best way to really tell if a chick is “petite” is if she has those dimples on her lower back.

2) Lisa Raye, “The Badaonkadonk” – This is often times referred to as a fatty or yams. Lisa Raye has put in work over the years and she garners respect for her role in the Player’s Club. It’s amazing though, Sade never changed a thing about her voice or art from the time she initially debuted and she’s a legend. Lisa Raye hasn’t improved her acting since Player’s Club and it shows. (And in reference to our discussion last week, is anybody going to ask her why she won’t change her name back from Lisa Raye-Misick? Didn’t that divorce end messy? She’s holding on a little too hard.)

3) Charity Shea (aka that white girl), “Wide Load” – You always have to be careful trying to say that some white girl has a booty. A lot of times men see wide hips and they think she has a fatty. Not Charity though, I don’t assess the booty from behind, I need to side profile. But next time you’re walking down the street make sure you take a look at the side profile before you declare a white woman to be a “whooty.” (I hate that term by the way.) Charity’s got that now & later flow, you know, she stops walking now but her booty stops later.

Now it’s a few others worth noting that are not often seen on television, but they need to be mentioned just for good measure.

1) Bubbles – This is that type of joint that’s tight, and doesn’t really have a lot of jiggle to it. If she jumps up and down it stops when she does. But that don’t make it small, she could still be packing something back there. A good way to spot these is when you look at a girl’s jeans and the booty just slides up above the waist of her jeans. That booty will not be wavered or break stride, it sticks together and for that reason it’s always searching for a way out.

2) Slim Joints – Now you have petite and you have slim joints. Like Stacey’s got a full joint, it’s just small and petite. Don’t sleep on the slim joints though. That’s when not only does she have those dimples on her lower back, but she got them on both sides of behind too. You usually see this with models, not named Rosa Acosta. (Is it any secret that Rosa is a Hot Tamale?)

3) Noassatall – A lot of this comes down to genetics, and childbirth. I don’t know but I come to notice that a lot of women never get the donk back like they had before they had kids. And then sometimes they just never had one to begin with. That can happen. Chances are if nobody in your family had a great big old booty, you won’t have one either.

4) Good GoogleyMoogely – #Freesass, #ILoveSerena, see the difference between this and the “Badaonkadonk” is the reaction on a guy’s face when a girl like this walks by. If you see a group of guys stop stare, mouth gaped open and their head snapped back, that right there is “Good GoogleyMoogely.” Little something about this one though; although a man really appreciates this when she’s in her twenties, if she don’t do something to tighten that up, she’s going to end up with some weight issues in her late 30s to 40s. A lot of women want to have humongous booties, but the one thing they not taking into account is the effect that has on your body. I had a friend who told me how much she loved her body after she gained a little weight. Then one day she thought she’d like to start jogging, these were her exact words, “Jay, so I go for a jog and I start jogging and I’m immediately like, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Is that my butt jumping around like that?” And it was…

5) In Those Jeans – I’ll end with a story. I always tell this story about jeans and fatties in college. I was convinced that some women had awesome bodies of epic proportions when I first got to college. I remember I was trying to take something home one time after a campus party. And just to give a little background, although some girls like to be close to naked, for the most part in Upstate NY, most girls wore jeans and field boots. Anyway, this one Latina caught my eye and I’m thinking, “She’s got a donk.” I got her to the dorm room and those jeans came off and … it got real. As a young Patowan, I did not know anything about the wonders of contoured clothing, especially jeans with the ability to conceal some physical flaws of her lower region. It seemed as though Earth’s crust shifted when she took off those jeans. And for that I call that type of booty, “In those jeans” because it was best if the booty stayed, “in those jeans.”

– Dr. J, asks that we all bow our heads and thank God for Yoga Pants.

About Today’s Dr. J & DJ Todd’s Mix, download here, Playlist: 1. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot, 2. Pull Over That Azz Too Phat by Trina, 3. Shake That Monkey by Too Short, 4. Back That Azz Up by Juvenile, 5. Donk by Soulja Boy, 6. Ms. New Booty, 7. Doin Da Butt by E.U., 8. Let Me See The Booty by The-Dream, 9. Da Baddest by Big Kuntry King & Trey Songz, 10. Booty Work by T-Pain, 11. Dance (Azz) by Big Sean, 12. Ms. Phat Booty by Mos Def, 13. Slow Down by Bobby V, 14. In Love Wit Yo Booty by John Blu, 15. Big Ole Butt by LL Cool J