Is Better Than 12 Steps


I don’t often write about sex on the blog. For me, it’s the most personal way two people can communicate their feelings to one another and because it’s so personal, I don’t think it’s a topic that should be broached lightly. But as I reflect on my relationship history and how I got where I am now, I can’t help but think back to times in my life where I’ve had amazing physical chemistry with someone, but, for whatever reason, the relationship didn’t work out. What I’ve come to realize is that, often times, great sexual chemistry can actually hinder a relationship from reaching its full potential. Here’s why:

Deep, Passionate, Earth Shattering sex doesn’t always equal deep, passionate, Earth shattering love.

Despite how much many of us want to believe it’s not, sex is probably the most powerful form of communication we have. It’s our God given way of expressing just how deeply we feel toward another human being. At varying points in human history and in varying societies sex’s value has been altered or diminished; on a more individual level, at varying points in most of our lives some of us may alter, devalue, or compartmentalize the importance of sharing ourselves with someone sexually, but, at our core, on the most basic human level, I think we can all agree that sex means something. Now when the sex is great… somehow we convince ourselves that it means something more.  We start believing that the more pleasurable the sex the more deeply we must care about each other. In reality, that’s not always true. Sometimes, for some strange and mysterious reason, two people who don’t really love each other and may or may not even really like each other can actually have phenomenal sexual chemistry. But because the sex is great, you forget how much you dislike that person, or how incompatible the two of you are. How many months, weeks, years… and for some folks – decades have been wasted with someone you know you’re completely incompatible with just because the sex was great?

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Bad sexual chemistry doesn’t always have to be a deal breaker.

I’ve had many a conversation around a relationship ending – or never really getting started – because when relations were had – a lot was left to be desired.  It usually goes a little something like this:

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl go out on date and a good time is had by all. Boy and girl text. Boy and girl talk on the phone. More fun dates are had and eventually, boy and girl decide it’s time to have sex. Boy and girl have sex.  Sex is like the Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, minus the Wondrous and wow. Boy assures girl it was a fluke. Girl believes. More dates are had but they are permeated by a strange awkwardness because both people are nervous about the impending disappointment sure to come the next time relations are had. That nervousness effects performance, sex is again terrible, relationship fizzles, both move on to the next.

The thing to realize here is, just because it was bad the first time, or the first two times, or the first 20 times, doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad forever. More importantly, what could have been a beautiful relationship ends up getting cut short because of something that, at that stage in the relationship, shouldn’t really be that important.

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Great Sex will make you over look a whole lot of stuff you probably shouldn’t be overlooking.

Sometimes, when the good is that good, you lose perspective. You forget about all the things you’re looking for in a friendship, a serious relationship and a spouse. We forget about the fact that she can’t boil water or he doesn’t have a job, or she couldn’t break a 1000 on the SATs or his name is Peanut. We forget that she keyed her last boyfriend’s car because he smiled at the coat check lady or that he is as emotionally mature and stable as Chris Brown. We overlook glaring flaws – stuff that should cause us to run the other way because when the lights go down – they move from penny stock to fortune 500 blue chip.

Here’s the thing. I think, in a perfect world, everyone would wait until they got married to have sex. Think about it, if we all waited until we got married, the only sex we’d know would be the sex we were having with our spouse. There’d be no such thing as “sexual chemistry.” You and your spouse would just make it work, and you’d probably be pretty happy. That, in my mind, is how God intended it to be and I don’t think it’s ever too late for someone to decide to try out God’s plan. I also realize that not everyone believes in God, and of those who do, not all believe in waiting till marriage to have sex. For you guys, even though you’re all dangling by a thread over the gates of hell (j/k), at the very least, don’t allow yourself be fooled into thinking someone is perfect for you because the sex is perfect, and don’t give up on a relationship just because it’s not. Instead, chill out. Enjoy courting and dating for a while. Take your time, get to know the person, and when it’s right, let sex truly be the way you and the person your with tell each other you love each other.

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So what do y’all think? Anyone ever pushed a relationship well beyond its breaking point because of some great boot knocking? Anyone ever ended a relationship that was otherwise great because of bad sex? And have any of you ever overlooked some glaring deal breakers because of great sexual chemistry? Feel free to over-share.

Shoutout to the residents of our nation’s capital – The District of Columbia – y’all showed me a lot of love this weeknd and I truly appreciate it.  Back in the hood now though … low and firing.