Fine in moderation and tempered with reality.

Women value men’s opinions. I know. That’s a no sh*t Sherlock. It’s also the reason that your favorite relationship blogs thrive in this niche. If a man wants to travel the path of least resistance to internet stardom, he should start a relationship blog. Why? Because there will always be women on the internet searching for answers as to why he didn’t call, why he didn’t stay the night, why wasn’t she good enough, why he seems so emotionally unavailable, why he just won’t stop f*cking Boomqueesha on the side, why he always finishes right before she does, and how to keep hope alive with someone that doesn’t love you.

Being a Single Black Male is about more than sex, relationships, and marriage. The perspective we share here is primarily about those topics because that’s the field we’ve chosen to play on and we’re all interested in sharing our perspective on stuff. I mean…how is a chick to bag the man of her dreams without knowing how that man thinks via the lens of someone she’ll most likely never meet that’s also not that man? How is a woman to understand why her last situation turned into an arrangement she didn’t verbally agree to without seeking a man’s thoughts on what she could have done differently, or things that he’s realized over the years as he’s courted, dated, and eventually signed away a small part of his soul through the rite of marriage? How does she become his “one?” Women spend a lot of time thinking, talking, and borderline obsessing about men and their minds, but here’s the rub…

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While you’re reading about us, thinking about us, and talking about us, we’re most likely not reading, thinking, or talking about you.

Like I mentioned above, being a Single Black Male is about more than sex and relationships. Being a Black Male of any relationship status is about more than sex and relationships. And quite frankly, we spend the majority of our time thinking and focusing on something more. That is…if we’re about some sh*t.

The obvious rebuttal is that single men are always chasing the cat, looking at model shots thinking of the cat, or finding new and creative ways to satisfy the cat. My response to that is a simple question:

How much time do you think it takes us to look at a few images or send a few text messages to line up some gushy for the night or for the weekend then go back to what we were doing?

…The time it takes to buy condoms doesn’t count.

It doesn’t take much work at all. If a dude is single, decent looking, showers, and brushes his teeth, he can probably line up buns within 30 minutes to 48 hours. And once he has secured the beats, his mind is right back to whatever he was doing before he sent the message or made that call — most likely working, playing xbox, kicking it with his girl the fellas, handling fitness, and/or genuinely and generally improving his predicament.. He’s not scouring the internet for tips on how to find the woman of his dreams. He’s figuring out how to stay on good terms with her until he decides his life is where he wants it to be. As long as he’s striving for that last part, everything with women will naturally follow.

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So yes, as male relationship bloggers and commenters, we’ll write posts that hit home and make you think. On certain days you’ll walk away feeling warm, fuzzy, and full of hope. On other days, you’ll hate us or want your (next) man to be more like one of us. And we’ll even offer some truly helpful advice that can be universally or specifically applied. But even with all that, please remember that most of our time is spent thinking about something other than sex and relationships, aka you. No pinkies.

If you really want to know why your man or potential Booli Lama is acting a certain way, ask him directly. If you’re tired of wasting time with men that won’t commit, then have a conversation up front with the ones you meet and stop letting sh*t slide — literally or figuratively — because you don’t have the confidence to accept that the man you’re so attracted to may not be the one for you today, and it might be a while before someone else comes along. Instead of worrying about why you weren’t good enough or worth it, work on making yourself so incredibly worth it, that anybody who turns you down will admit that the biggest mistake of their life was passing up on a chance with you. And if after all this you’re still obsessing about men and digging for answers to questions involving things which you can’t control, get a hobby and stop obsessing. We’re usually not thinking or talking about you with our peoples unless you’ve annoyed us, we’re plotting our escape, or we’re trying to decode something that made our brains hurt, so you should copy and paste this part of our script into your lives. Never underestimate the value of your mental and emotional real estate. Power isn’t only in titles.

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If the relationship blogging niche as it is today were to die, I’d happily be out of a job. It’d mean that most women were finally communicating with the men in their lives and that the greater majority were looking inward for concrete answers instead of outward for possibilities. But until that happens, I’ll just keep clocking in. Tick tock. How much time are you willing to waste?


P.S. I recently had the chance to work on a podcast with J, creator of the Up for Discussion podcast series. We talked about a bunch of ish, but this particular episode is called “All Women Care About Is the D.” Check out the podcast teaser video below or click here to go to the full segment. Thanks in advance for your support!