She looks like she means business.

Your television set is obsessed with showing you other people’s faults so that you spend time telling yourself that you’re at least better than that person. That’s why reality TV is so popular and the shows have nothing to do with where they began. Think about this logically, the shows that we grew up watching like Real World aren’t even hot anymore. You would think that the older shows would dominate, right? Like can you imagine if people didn’t regard the Simpsons and Law & Order as two of the best shows on television? Maybe not, I can’t get enough of Modern Family and 30 Rock.

Two of my favorite shows are Bridezilla and Say Yes to the Dress. I’m man enough to admit that though, some of you aren’t. It makes sense to me though, I always want to be prepared for my wedding. Just so you don’t think I’m losing my touch and going flaccid on you; when I graduated from college I drafted my prenupt. I didn’t want to fall in love and forget all the reasons I had for wanting one in the beginning. If I reach that age and I don’t feel the need to have one, I’ll just throw it out, but I’ll be sure to review it. But back to the show, these two shows show me some things to look for in a woman to find out if she’s going to be a Bridezilla or if I’m going to coming out of pocket because she’s getting out of pocket.

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I’m not here to speak on your relationship, or anything about dating that girl that would tip you to her habits. The reason why – in addition to the retirement, Bridezillas don’t only affect the people they marry. It affects their family, their friends, the groom, the groom’s friends, the wedding planner, and everybody in attendance. Check out these clues:

1. They like things a certain way – Have you ever had one of those people who just liked to have things “a certain way”? They love to dictate to you what the right way to do something is. They let you know that you shouldn’t expect people to furnish your house at your housewarming. They let you know what is and what isn’t acceptable to wear. They are the ones who rearrange people before a photo is taken. They even kick their line sisters out the picture because they don’t know how to lean and throw the dynasty sign.

2. They are usually the “president” of their crew – Every crew has its leader, my crew has three. It’s three of us, Frick, Frack and Fro and we spent most nights in college doing absolutely nothing because nobody wanted to go with the other’s plan. You ever been on an email thread with the “president” of your crew thinking, “She don’t ever want to go where anyone else wants to go”? That’s the “president.” She’s Regina George, she’s Rachel Meadows and it’ll leave you thinking, “why can’t we go to the party?”

3. They been waiting a long time for this day – All women have an idea of what they would like their wedding to be like. If you peep, most girls take longer to come out the womb. That’s because they spend nine months whiteboarding on their mother’s stomach and it takes a little extra time to commit all those notes to memory. The longer a woman waits, the more and more detailed this plan gets. It gets to a point that she knows exactly how she wants each minute of her wedding to go. She has her outfit picked out, marketing schemes figured out, and a few tracks laid, before the deal is signed.

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4. They watch all those wedding shows – The problem with all those wedding shows is they give you tons and tons of ideas of what you would like to have in your wedding. The women who watch those shows, do not watch them to be entertained. They watch them to see what they want and what they would not tolerate. Don’t believe me, next time you’re at happy hour ask your friend about that episode when the bridesmaids wanted to wear different dresses that worked best for their bodies. When she replies, “Oh hell no.” Slide her in that group of friends, “Will check “no” and return invitation,” or prepare yourself to be a bridesmaid of a bridezilla.

5. The easiest way, they told you, “I’m getting married!” This is the best and quickest way to figure out if you’re dealing with a bridezilla. When they tell you they are getting married, if they never mention their husband, it’s a good sign that she’s a bridezilla. First of all, “she” isn’t getting married, “they’re” getting married. Second of all, “I’m getting married!” is almost always followed by, “I’ve got so much work to do now.” There’s goes that “I” word again. Remember, “Never I, never me, always us, always we” … wait, I mean, “Our marriage, their wedding” … wait, well you guys know what I mean.

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Those are my clues that I’m dealing with a Bridezilla. What about yours? How many of you would confess to being a Bridezilla, or a bridesmaid for one? It’s cool, nobody’s judging you. The fact of the matter is, women have a plan for the wedding and a man has to have a plan for the marriage. He’s probably too busy to know what persimmon is anyway. For the men, do you think you could marry a Bridezilla? How will you react when she shows up to your bachelor party to make sure it goes to plan?

– Dr. J