Thinks to self: “Baby, do you remember calculus?”

Last Thursday, WIM presented us with his list of the 10 most critical #ManLaw Commandments. All of ’em had me doing the Hallelujah dance in the Church of Latter Day SBM. But there was 1 in particular that caught my attention and led me to the post for today:

5. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A lot of folks probably laughed it off and kept it moving, but keep in mind that much truth is said in jest. Men are known for being rational, logical, and efficient while the fairer sex is known for…well, not being so rational, logical, and efficient. Please note that there’s a difference between being a smart man and being an efficient man. A smart man knows that he should listen to whatever his girl says, say exactly what she wants him to say, and nod until he realizes she feels better about whatever the situation was that she brought up in the first place. An efficient man, when in the midst of conflict with his girl or potential significant other, immediately wants to figure out what needs to be done to get from X to Z as quickly as possible so that he can get back to whatever he was doing before she came over and sat on the couch, or called him during the 2nd quarter of Monday Night Football saying “If you cared about me, you’d discuss this now.”

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Let me take a second to clarify these incredibly crucial letters. X is the issue or point of discussion that men either don’t wanna talk about or wanna resolve as quickly as humanly possible. For women, it is the crux of the matter  that is surrounded by Y. Y is the extraterrestrial nonsense, emotion, filler opinion, banter and booty chatter that we have to cut through to get to the root of the problem. For women, this includes the things they want men to know so that we understand exactly where she’s coming from so that we won’t make the mistake again. Z is the solution that’ll make both lives better and lead to smiley faces, orgasms, and sleep.

Too.F*cking.Much

What women sometimes fail to realize is that Y is like salt. If you put the right amount on your food, it tastes better and you feel good after eating it. You won’t mind having that meal again. If you use too much, the meal is ruined and you increase the likelihood of high blood pressure, swollen feet, decreased attention span and premature ejaculation. So basically, a lot of chicks use too much salt when just a pinch would do.

While your thoughts, feelings, and emotional tirades are important to us, we’d prefer that you figured out why you’re feeling the way you feel, explained to us briefly the underlying reasons and the impact, then told us what you’d like us to do to decrease the likelihood of incurring future wrath and lost time. That way, as we go forward, we can keep in mind and make sure that we never have to revisit The Conversation Part Deux again — at least as it pertains to that subject. We just wanna say “Okay, I get it. Won’t be an issue moving forward” and be done with it.

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But for you, that’s often not good enough. You’d like a dissertation with us not only acknowledging that we understand, but an in-depth analysis of each bullet point of your gripe and why it means something to us. Well, sometimes that’s just not gonna happen shugah. We’re going to tell you that it’s more so about solving the issue and ending the conversation. That of course depends on us being efficient and honest. We wanna be and most likely are smart. But more importantly, we wanna minimize energy expenditure while maintaining candor. You understand right? Right?! No? Fine…

I’m going out with the fellas to the strip club and will allow a 30 minute lag between text messages.

So next time you’d like to have an elaborate conversation about something we did or the most quintessential beef, just give us the cliff notes and let us know what we can do to decrease the likelihood of the conversation coming up again. You’ll feel better and we’ll feel efficient. It’s best for the both of us. And the sooner we can get back to us, the sooner we can get back to the horizontal polka and reluctant post-coital spooning.

Untangling Spaghetti Arguments Since I Untangled That Fallopian Tube,

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P.S.S. Good news on the writing front. I’m now a regular online contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. Please check out my last 2 posts: 5 Ways to Push Your Man Toward Infidelity and What Men Really Mean When They Say…. I’ll be posting content there every Monday. Hope you continue to check out and support!