Today’s Post is part of a new series:”Engaged Black Male”. I’ll investigate marriage, being engaged, and all of the thoughts that swim through the head of a black man as he enters engagement and prepares for that lifelong commitment.
I feel you son ... I feel you (||)
As any man prepares to take that lifelong plunge, there is a lot that we think about and a lot of fears that we must overcome. There are a lot of personal demons that we fight, a lot of doubt that we expel and a lot of doubt injected by our best friends that we have to ignore.
Marriage is scare as f* … here are some thing I personally all men think about after they buy the ring
She is only marrying me because she’s afraid of being single
Suppose the “love of your life” is just settling. Suppose it’s not that you complete her and make her life worth living, but she is just concerned about never being married and never having a good man to take care of her. No one wants to be “that guy” …
She got a man on the side
No one wants to be cheated on, but you really don’t want to marry the person who is cheating on you. Sure … you think that she is in her private room before the wedding making sure her veil is on right, but she is might be letting the “side piece” get a quick beat while she’s in her wedding dress … cause that sh* is hot. Can’t speak for everybody, but the day I get caught up… someone is getting murdered (talking to you love!).
You aren’t ready to be a husband
Any real man wants his woman happy. And if he can’t keep her happy … she should at least be fed and not hating life. Real men worry about being a good provider. Suppose I’m not supportive enough (I really don’t know how to support others … always seemed like too much work)? Suppose I don’t compromise enough (still not sure why people don’t just assume I’m right)? Suppose I don’t … man, I don’t know … whatever a husband is supposed to do? Sometimes I wish I could get another year or two to get ready.
One Woman … the rest of your life
Really … think about it. For the rest of your life you are committing yourself to just one woman. No exploring … no testing things out … no more pulling the baddest chic in the club back to your spot. You have made your decision and that’s it. Nicki Minaj (I don’t care if it’s fake or not) somehow got my number, is in town for one night, and just heard that I have that super mean pipe game. Well … I can’t do sh&. That … that is scary (cause you know she has been trying to get at me for a minute, but prolly just couldn’t get my number cause its not listed).
A Breakup will cost you 50%
One great thing about a relationship is that if it’s not working out … you can dip. Sure breaking up isn’t fun, but it’s always an option. You can leave, she’ll cry, you’ll smash again. Now … if you get tired or bored … it’s half of everything you own. As someone who has gotten accustomed to a certain quality of life … I don’t know if I can handle that!
Marriage is an elaborate plot by the government to keep black man down
I know I’m not the only one who is concerned about this …
Marriage … it’s scary. What about marriage scares you?
– SBM aka I confront my fears aka “I ain’t never scared!”
Scarest thing about marriage
I’m going to be more invested then he is. When hard times come u c people’s true colors. Saying your vows is easy living up to them is hard.
When u marry him u marry his family. So I’d their getting on your nerves (or one member Is) it amplifies by 10 once u say I do
He’ll cheat . Not saying I don’t trust him but what if that accrues I know I wouldn’t handle the situation well
Side note :SBM I wouldn’t have guest men would worry about being the man she settled for .
Smilez,
That's not always true…
You will be surprised to know black men really want to find someone to be married to…
You have to trust or believe in him to know he will do the right thing by you…
I honestly feel that if a man makes the move to be married, he is truly ready, unless he is being force by shotgun to marry…
"I'm going to be more invested then he is. "
this right here is probably my only fear about marriage. I don't want to get divorced, I need to know the person I'm with is down foreva eva just like me! Everything else I think I can work out…
My recent post When I’m without you I’m cool…
I sometimes think about this, but I think that fear will be quelled when he actually proposes. I know that it takes a lot of courage for a man to propose, and the way he goes about his proposal speaks volumes to me. The time it takes, the effort, the planning… the thoughtful way that he chooses to ask me to be his wife, to me anyway, lets me know that he wants this as much as I do. This may or may not prove to be true, but it will calm down my thoughts of investing more in the marriage than he will.
My recent post What Happened?? The Men of Generation Y
Smilez_920.
It's
"I'm going to be more invested THAN he is"
NOT
"I'm going to be more invested THEN he is"
Didn't you learn basic spelling?
I’m not even gonna read this bc I’m not afraid of marriage nor do I wanna be. Esp. since Ima be jumping that broom next summer.
I hear you Brother Ray… Congratulation and best wishes to you ace…
Congrats, but damn. If you read the post, maybe it'd spur some thoughts on why you're so reassured and confident about marriage that you could share with the other folks tuning in.
My recent post Back in the Habits: Why I Stopped Caring What They Think
I just feel since I made the decision to propose, and there are no babies or shotguns involved, then I really shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of. Of course of heard all these horror stories but I’ve also heard many success stories. So I’m gonna keep my focus on the positive. We know that ignorance is bliss and of course Wisdom Is Misery. So I figure by not reading the above blog, I’ll have less to worry about. I just talk to my Heavenly Father and ask for guidance and show me if im making the right decision. That’s all I can do now bc me and her have pretty much had all the necessary pre-marital discussions.
You do know that I am engaged … but I still have fears. It's human and natural … to ignore the fears you are setting yourself up.
I feel u SBM, but like I said I don’t have any fears so, for me, theres nothing to address. The only one I did have was being with one woman for the rest of my life but since I’m over that I’m good to go. I’m excited about my soon-be-marriage. But for anyone with fears and/or doubts I feel its completely necessary to address and assess your current and future situation. I think its no need to get married if you don’t plan to be married forever. And nah, I don’t live in a fantasy world. I know things happen and ppl change but I’m just optimistic about me and mine. Is that so wrong??
Congrats Ray!
Thank you Brantley & Bacon.
There’s nothing scarry about marriage.
You will know when you are ready to get married…
It’s feeling that one cannot describe…
It’s when you meet someone who actually brings to you what you can’t see in yourself…
She’s brings the other half you that you didn’t know was missing…
It’s what I call the awakening…
As the song goes, “When a man’s in Love he’s only got one story.” – From the song “Penny Lover” by Lionel Richie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7r-Dk2daro
Enough said…
I have taken this journey and it is full of many wonderful adventures…
My brothers fear not…
There's nothing scarry about marriage.
You will know when you are ready to get married…
It's feeling that one cannot describe…
It's when you meet that special someone who actually brings to you what you can't see in yourself…
She's brings the other half you that you didn't know was missing…
It's what I call the awakening…
As the song goes, "When a man's in Love he's only got one story." – From the song "Penny Lover" by Lionel Richie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7r-Dk2daro
Enough said…
I have taken this journey and it is full of many wonderful adventures…
My brothers fear not…
This might be the first and only time I COMPLETELY disagreed with every point the writer made. I read through this and can’t find one single part where I can say, “Yeah that was me”.
#1 “She is only marrying me because she is afraid of being single” & “She has a man on the side”.
Imma tackle these two together. If you haven’t taken the time to get to know your lady enough to dispel these fears then why are you getting married in the first place? Why would you ever bend you knee to propose to a woman who you at least partially believed was only settling for you or could be cheating?
#2 “You aren’t ready to be a husband”
Being a good husband doesn’t require you to become an entirely different man. Before y’all exchange vows you should already have conditioned yourself to think “we” and not just “I”. If you are a good man to her already then all you need to do is remain as such. If before marriage you were/are a selfish person than a ring isn’t going to magically change you. Work on yourself now….beforehand.
#3 “One woman the rest of your life”
Not putting any specifics out there but as a man who has fulfilled more fantasies with women then any normal 2 or 3 men combined. As a man that use to do things almost regularly that most people only see on SKINamax and HBO After Dark. I can tell you that you ain’t missing nothing. A woman fully in love and committed to her husband is far more like to do some of the freakiest “nastiest” stuff. Why? Because she feels secure with her husband. She knows that what is between them is only between them. And thus she needs not have any inhibitions. And least we forget the STD statistics. Especially amongst African Americans…Smh.
#4 “A breakup will cost you 50%”
I fail to understand why people focus on the negative. When you drive you car do you focus on the fact that you can die? When you go to work do you focus on the fact that you could get fired? When you go out to eat at these random restaurants do you think about how you may become violently ill from food poisoning? No im certain you don’t. So why prepare for a marriage putting so much focus on the negative?
And I know some will say “Yeah but 50% of marriages fail”. Well let’s examine that 50% shall we. Factored in there you have the Kim K’s who married for publicity. You have the Elizabeth Taylors who married multiple times. You have those who got married on a whim after like a 2 month courtship. You have the people who married for citizenship. You have the people who married because the woman got pregnant and I they just wanted to make it look good. And of course those who married for financial gain. All these screwed up reasons. But subtract those and focus ONLY on the marriages that are about love and were built off a strong foundation. I bet that divorce rate would be far smaller.
#5 “Marriage is a government plot to keep the black man down”
im not even taking that one seriously. Im just gonna chalk that up to exit humor.
I was recently married and people constantly asked, “Are you nervous?” My response….NO. Nervous for what? I proposed because I wanted to. Because I wanted her. Because I wanted this. If there was anything to fear it was only the forecast for the day or the catering hall getting everything right. But as for my relationship….the whole point if the dating was to build towards this. If you aren’t doug that then just what are you doing?
Signed,
The recently, happily and fearlessly married man
I think the entire post was tongue-in-cheek. Some are vague fears that are not specific to his situation. He's sitting here low-key threatening her and ish, and I find that hilarious. EBM never struck me as the kind of man who'd propose if he were overly concerned about any of the points listed as they relate to him and his boo-thang.
I understand that. But my post is for all those who think those thoughts truthfully. Those who really feel the way the writer expressed.
Fair enough. That aside, I did enjoy and was in agreement with your responses.
Larnelw,
I appreciate your entire response. It made me smile this morning.
SN to readers-lets quit trying to tell people how to interpret a post.
You made some very valid points. In fact, you have me looking at marriage from a different perspective now. Thanks for that!
My recent post Every Man Knows I Love You is the Best Way to Get Her to Drop the Drawers
This was just perfect!!!!! LOL…
I'm glad you said this. If (and thats a big if lol)I get married I want it on the terms of this is what we have we are choosing to keep it and continue to build on it. Marriage is simply putting it on paper. I don't want no now you my husband you gotta do this or that or now you my wife you gotta do this. Marriage is just gonna be the next natural progression.
"I was recently married and people constantly asked, "Are you nervous?" My response….NO. Nervous for what?"
I don't believe it's uncommon for men to be nervous before they take those vows on their wedding day and even thereafter. People naturally fear or are nervous about the unknown. Doesn't make it necessarily a bad thing, however. Anyone who's it's their 1st time getting married, most of them I'd imagine have no experience with what it is like to be married…hence the unknown. I get all of your points and don't disagree. But to be fair I have heard time and time again " You'll only understand once you're married" or " If you were married you'd get it…it's different. You'll see once you're married" and etc..etc…
So, nothing wrong with being nervous or fearful of the unknown…sometimes that's part of the excitement of the journey.
Congrats larnelw and God Bless you in your marriage. You have the mind of a man ready willing and able to be a great husband….*smile*
EBM your fears and concerns are completely natural, normal, and human.
I agree with the points larnelw made. But to take it further I will say this. I think with regards to relationships 80% of men seem to universally have this problem of letting their fears of what can possibly go wrong get the best of them and keep them from happiness and Real Love. I’ve said in another blog I believe that women typically give their heart first and everything else physical follows, but men give their heart last. When a man has been hurt badly and had his azz kicked by love, even if it was in high-school or college it takes him a very long time to get over it. He could be in his 30’s or 40’s but those high-school or college scars are still with him and are the reason why he still guards his heart and keeps it behind an iron curtain and refuses to give it to even the best women who deserve it. This is just my opinion btw based on conversations I’ve had with men.
EBM lets take a “Reality Walk” shall we. Four main truths in life:
1. As sure as you are born you will die. Once your born into this world the only exit is death.
2. As long as you live you will have hard times, suffer, and go through trials and tribulations. Life will not always be “a crystal stair” and it won’t always be easy breezy.
3. Not one single person on God’s green earth is perfect. Not man woman or child.
4. In life there are NO guarantees.
So I think its safe to say that most everything in life is a gamble and you take a chance and there is some risk involved. You will do this as long as you live.
Marriage is a chance you take, but just like with anything else you only take chances you feel are worth it and when you feel you can win, correct?
No intelligent and sensible person that I know of does something knowing it will fail.
So my advice to you EBM is face your fears so you can let go of them, and believe in yourself, the chance your taking and your ability to make good decisions and choices. Whatever doesn’t work out in your favor or as you planned if it is something beyond your control; realize it and take it for exactly what it is (something you can’t control) and let it go and move on.
Instead of focusing on what could potentially go wrong, and how you could possibly screw up and/or how she could possibly not be the woman you think she is focus on the positives.
Cause the reality is yes you are taking a chance and there is a risk involved. What it comes down to is are you willing to take the chance and the rise ?(regardless of who your marrying).
Can you handle the worst case scenario if it should happen? The answers to those questions should be yes or else you don’t need to marry anybody until both of those answers are yes.
Yes be prepared for the worst, but hopeful and optimistic for the best.
As long as you continue to be the best man you can be for your fiance and believe that she will continue to be the best woman she can be for you as larnelw previously stated, then everything should be fine. As long as you keep God close to you and keep friends and family out of your personal business and openly and honestly communicate and both of yall are two good, mature, sensible, and responsible people there is no reason why your marriage shouldn’t last forever.
If for whatever reason things don’t work out instead of blaming and saying “I knew this was gonna happen” and continuing to “self sabotage” (as your doing now), recognize that you Cannot control other people, only yourself. So if unfortunately your fiance turns out to be selfish or not what you want or not what you thought she would be then let it go and realize its out of your hands. Don’t think of it as “I chose a horrible woman to marry and I made a terrible mistake and won’t ever do that again.” Think of it like this, I loved this woman enough to marry her and thought she was this way, she bamboozled me or she changed for the worst or we’re no longer on the same page and that is not my fault. It is what it is and I will move on and have better luck next time.”
If you happen to grow apart and things don’t work out then charge it to life, hopefully you learned something, and move on.
If your wife precedes you in death then be thankful to God for the time you had with her, be thankful for the children she gave you and that God blessed you with such a wonderful woman for as long as he did and celebrate the good times and hold on to the happy memories.
EBM watch the movie Not Easily Broken and pay attention to the part where the pastor wraps the chord around Morris Chestnut and Taraji P Henson at their wedding, especially the words he says. As the pastor said when couples practice that in their daily lives then they will be ok and can get through anything and they can withstand the test of time.
Just know if you and your fiance can get through the worst case scenario’s you will be just fine.
But you have to have faith and believe in yourself, your fiance and God.
hope your marriage is still as strong as when you wrote this
As someone who comes from a family where divorce is quite common (hell, even my grandparents got divorced), I can honestly say that right now, at my age (will be 30 next month) I am straight on marriage.
'She is only marrying me because she’s afraid of being single'
*in my Katt Williams voice* THIS SH*T HERE N!&&@!!! hit the nail dead on the head. The older I get the more this seems to be the occurrence. These days I start paying attention from the get go to see if she is one of those 'over anxious to be in a relationship/marriage' types and If i get that vibe, then I'm out. At this point in my life I've come to the conclusion that if I never get married then i am okay with that. It's just too much of a risk and I'm not sure if I am willing to go that route.
Hmmm. Interesting. I guess I can plead guilty to being anxious to be in a relationship, but that's because marriage/children/family are part of my life goals. And despite how anxious I am, that hasn't led me to settle for the wrong person, because my parents are 35 yrs and still going strong and I know what a good marriage looks like. So, I guess I'm anxious to be in the RIGHT marriage, not just any marriage. But, since that can be misconstrued, I should probably not show my anxiety at all.
Marriage has never scared me. I have lots of examples of great marriages in my family; therefore I was raised in an environment where marriage is viewed as positive. I always knew I would come across a man that I wanted to be a wife too. I always knew I would want to have his children. I always knew that all the skills I am learning were meant for my husband/children first and employer second. I didn't aspire to be a baby momma or a bootie call…..NEVER. When I knew I was ready, all my actions and thoughts were in line with my will to become a wife. Yes it was my will. I had to determine first if I was ready to give my future husband what he will need. I knew from watching my family the basics of a great wife. Then once I met a man that I felt I was compatible with, I advised him of my desire to become a wife. I also advised that if he wasn't down with that…he will be cut from the team after a sufficient amount of time. I gave him his out….but he didn't want it. Sure that could have back-fired, but I ain't scared of being alone. If he wasn't to be my husband, it would have been hurt, sure. However, I would've had to push him to the side so that I can be available for the man ready to be my husband.
Once I felt ready to become a wife (after years of observing, maturing and learning) I was determined not to waste my womanhood on a man unwilling to commit to me. Commitment is the key word. Anyone can be married, but committing to that marriage requires a certain mindset. Marriage is the ULTIMATE commitment if done correctly. A man willing to make that leap of faith is telling God, me and my family that he wants what is best for me and our children. I can trust a man like that. Once I came across that man, my thoughts went from why’I’ want to be married to why ‘WE’ should get married. Once we answered those questions and felt secure enough that the answers were in line with our goals in life…we did the damn thing. I wasn't hard or scary at all. Not sure how my husband felt, we are Mr. & Mrs., so he worked through any fears he may have had.
Love is not the ONLY ingredient that keeps a marriage together. You have to share common goals and be compatible. Those things will keep it going when the emotional roller coasters come and they will.
Marriage should not be feared as with anything else divine. When done correctly and for the right reasons, it is heaven. It makes no sense to fear marriage, but not fear reaping all the ills that come from playing house with no commitment in sight.
The divorce rate is a trick of the enemy. We must first recognize that for what it truly is. These days are different in that all wrongs will be made to look right. Let's call it what it is. So this in no ways excuses us from creating a solid foundation for our children. Our community begin to suffer when our duty to be righteous became an option and that includes marriage.
Ah Beefy you know I love your comments. Co-sign. We travelled different paths on our way down the aisle (I didn't even think about marriage til I was about 27ish and really wasn't preparing myself for anything) – but I did have long lasting marriage examples. Perhaps it was preparation by osmosis, lol? I find myself doing a lot of the same things my mom did.
"I find myself doing a lot of the same things my mom did."
Dont we all!
Girl….sometimes I have to catch myself.
Trust me, nothing I learned while dating prepared me for marriage. In fact I learned some habits I had to unlearn in order to keep my marriage happy. I guess just looking back I viewed the marriages in my family as something I aspired to have. Having those examples to actually call and get advice from if needed is a blessing as well. I knew I would get married one day, but hardly ever thought about it until I was READY to be married.
LUV THIS COMMENT!
Thanks BB..now I KNOW I'm not getting married…lol! Seriously..oh and plz dont look at this comment negatively ppl. I know my status like she knows hers. The main objective is to Live Life in a positive way & ENJOY! 🙂
Dig your comment. So what actions specifically did you take that were in line with your will to be a wife? Also, how does one exhibit a certain mindset that they're commited to being married, instead of just being married?
I stopped just dating for the sake of dating. If the guy didn't posses the qualities that I consider deal breakers…he wasn't getting my time and energy. I begin praying and asking God to send me a husband with the specific qualities I wanted. I stop having s3x. I begin improving the areas in my life that I felt needed to before starting a family.
Being committed to being married is understanding that you have a partner going through life with you. This means that another person that thinks totally different than you has to share life with you. Merging two people together is no easy task. It will ugly at times, money, health and temptations issues will pop up from time to time. Divorce is a last resort. Committing to those terms are basically your vows.
what scares me the most about marriage is the changes that will take place over time. My parents have been married for 32 years and my moms told me one day every 10 years something will change. That's kinda scary. As stupid as it sounds I don't want my wife to change, but I know she will, and she has to. But still…
I was speaking to an ex recently and she stated how she'd like a better quality of life and how she no longer wants to work. Said ex would like to stay home and raise babies. I'm looking at her like WTF???? When we were together I had her going, she was gun ho and ready to start her own private practice. She actually has a very well paying job working for the VA (benefits galore!), 2 degrees and her license to practice social work. This mother effer sat there and said shes tired of working 40hrs a week, WTH!?!
Once upon a time I had serious thoughts about marring this woman. Imagine if I did, and we're 2-3 yrs into a marriage and I'm sitting there thinking we're going to grow together and this mother cracker start talkin bout she tired of working!?!?!?!?!?! HELL NO!
IM AFRAID OF THE CHANGE..LOL
I understand you fears. There are a lot of people who don't like or are a afraid of change. There's nothing wrong with that. I believe it all comes down to how you deal with change. Being afraid of it is one thing, but overcoming that fear and living through that change is something completely different. If it's a positive change it can sometimes be easier to accept, but there are times that even positive change can be difficult. In my opinion, it's all about how you prevail once the change has occurred. You may look back and realize it wasn't as scared as it initially seemed.
My recent post Every Man Knows I Love You is the Best Way to Get Her to Drop the Drawers
That's the hope I carry into marriage, to work through any and all the changes we encounter. I guess that's why I put so much into the women I choose to date – semi pause..I need a trooper, because I'm sure I'll change as well. I can't have her giving up on me, or betta yet giving up on the marriage.
LOL. I feel you. But, I think you're leaving out an important element…
When and how we change is based on a lot of factors…experiences, environment, the people around you, etc. You cannot say for certain that she would've come to that same conclusion had you opted to marry her…especially assuming that she'd be aware of how such a change would negatively affect your marriage. I was married for 7yrs and though situatiions changed and priorities changed, for the most part, though we matured in some ways, the core of who we were never changed (we just didn't take enough time to examine the core prior to saying "I do").
And how much time do you feel is required to examine that core?
I think the time is determined by the cycles of life you go through together, you know? It's circumstances and situations that really reveals a persons character. You have to allow time to give you the opportunity to observe your partner dealing with stuff. Has someone died? Has money gotten tight for one of you? Have you been able to resolve a serious disagreement? Have you had to deal with negativity coming from outside of your relationship? Has the opportunity for your partner to stand up for you arised? Have they shown support when you really needed it? Have they been willing to be in an uncomfortable situation for the sake of the relationship? Do they lie to others regularly to avoid consequences? Do they take the lazy approach to…dag near everything, lol…or do they really grind to be and do their best?
Once you see certain characteristics consistently over a period of time during different situations, you'll be very confident that you know the core of who you're dealing with.
This is some good stuff right her miss Cyn, and you're totally correct. Question tho, do you feel that maturation period that would define the core in itself can be a distraction to the actually maturation? If that even makes sense..lol
I sometimes here folks in relationship complain so much about the pace of the relationship to the point where it takes away from the creation of those core elements..They're so busy focusing on the "what if (the core never happens)" aspect instead of the "this is (who we are and what will makeup the contents of the core)"
The best thing men and women can do is accept the truth of who their partner is in that moment…at that time. You shouldn't fall in love with someone's potential or who you think they should be. If you can't live with a person "as is", they aren't the one. In your last sentence, replace "they're so busy" with the "Stop", and that's what people need to do, lol.
I don't think the maturation period is as much of a distraction as I think feeling like someone is trying to force you to change is…that's insulting. Do you like and want ME or not? You seem to be describing folks who are wrapped up in the fantasy of having a good relationship instead of the reality of whether or not their relationship is really good and worth continuing to work on.
"You seem to be describing folks who are wrapped up in the fantasy of having a good relationship instead of the reality of whether or not their relationship is really good and worth continuing to work on. "
And that's our generation. I call it the microwave generation. We want it quick and easy and done in 3 min. Regardless to the fact that the food might not be cooked all the way through! My goal is to unplug the microwave, pull out one of them old school cast iron pans and get the cookin like my parents did it!
AGREED!!!!
And that isn't to say that you shouldn't allow time for your partner to mature in some area or adjust to the needs of the relationship. You bring up your concerns and, if your partner agrees that they need to come up in that area, give them a second to show that they can do it. Once they show you, accept the truth….they adjusted and we're good or they can't make the adjustment. Then, you have to determine how big of a deal it is to you and act accordingly.
You spittin the truth today!
Key point cynicaloptmst! Co-sign this entire comment.
OMG this comment really opened my eyes to a lot. asking these questions I'm nodding and shaking my head and it all makes sense. thanks girl!
My recent post When I’m without you I’m cool…
No prob, lol. Glad to pass these life lessons along… 🙂
Your mother is right……but only in part. Yes your spouse will change but so will you. Single or not EVERYONE changes. The daily happenings of our lives make sure of that. Whether you are in a relationship or not is irrelevant. We are always changing.
But change is never so drastic as people make it seem. Your spouse wont be talking “apples apples apples apples” and then wake up one day saying “I hate apples….gimme grapes”. People will try to tell you, “She/he just suddenly changed on me” but rarely is that truly the case. As the saying goes its his side, her side and then the truth….what really happened. And im wagering that the change was gradual. But one party was just, for whatever reason, not taking the time to notice.
One thing I learned before getting married is that you really need to immerse yourself into you partners world. And they into yours. You truly need to become students of each other. That way when change comes you understand what provoked it and how to deal with it. How to grow with it. Those marriages that have lasted 10-15-20….30 years haven’t done so because they were lucky enough to never change. They lasted because the couples understand how to change with it.
Im sure few of us like having those serious heart to heart conversations with our s/o. Those convos where you expose those things y’all both could do better. I know I don’t. But we are all adults. Everyday isn’t fun and games. Some days are designated for those hard conversations which are designed to help us grow. “When I was a child…….”. Y’all know the rest.
Agreed! Im stashing all of this info in my virtual memory bank
Already clicked the thumbs up…but I must say how fabulous your 2nd paragraph is! Pure truth.
And I was just talking about this >>>"One thing I learned before getting married is that you really need to immerse yourself into you partners world. And they into yours."<<< with the bf last night. Soooo true. What a person befriends/entertains will tell you a whole heck of a lot about a person…
LOL!!! I told my husband that I wanted to be a Stay at Home Mom. That bamma laughed so hard and so long I thought he would fall out. Pulled the same reasons you did: I have too much education, good job and benefits, standard of living, etc. Really though – I think a lot of women have a SAHM fantasy. But the decision to stay home or work isn't based on what you want, it's based on what you can afford. If the cost of daycare is greater than or equal to her income she stays home. Besides when most women think SAHM they think Housewives of Wherever. But the reality is that most SAHM's are on a veeeeery tight budget and work harder than those of us who can comment on blogs from work.
I agree with you. If I can sit and crunch numbers and it makes economical sense for my wife to stay home then by all means do the do. BUT dammit if im one cent off HER ASS IS GOING TO WORK!…lol
Off on a tangent, but MR SD, I sympathize with your ex. I've got a stable, well-paying job with great benefits right now. I love my job, I hope to continue loving it for a long time, and I plan to further my education in order to be able to advance my career within the same field. That said, when I have kids, I would like to be able to move from full-time to part-time or per diem work. I want to be able to raise my children the way I was raised. My mother was a stay-at-home mom (back in the Caribbean, so I acknowledge the culture and economy were highly different).
The difference between the way in which I was raised (always sure that she'd be there for me, my hair was always freshly combed everyday, my clothing clean, my homework done, my bely full) and the way my nieces and nephews are raised here is vast. I want to be able to be at every game, all PTA meetings, parent-teacher conferences, after school activities, etc. I want to just be able to spend time with my kids. Not to say it's impossible to do so working a full-time job, but if both me and future-hubby are working 9-5 every day, or 7-7 four days a week, when do we have time for our children?
And, before people attack me, I have no objection to him being part-time while I work full-time. Whatever works and allows us maximal time with the kids.
"Can’t speak for everybody, but the day I get caught up… someone is getting murdered (talking to you love!)"
Bahahaahaha!
Nothing about marriage scares me per se, but I do have some concerns. Up until recently, I used to wonder if I'd really be able to get with the idea of not having the house to myself for more than some hours on end. But the idea is to marry someone you'll look forward to going home to (almost) every day for the rest of your life. Sometimes you see couples who have things together but then sh*t hits the fan for whatever reason, and it leaves you on the sideline in deep thought. However, others' relationships outcome should not dictate your own.
Will I have what it takes to keep this man forever engaged? Will he be able to do the same for me? What am I gonna feed us every day? Can I have 2 housekeepers? And a chef? And a nanny? And a butler? I'm playin', but one of my goals is for us to be able to comfortably afford some luxuries so that we have more time to enjoy each other.
"What am I gonna feed us every day? "
Wow I think this too! Is he going to get bored with my cooking? Its so much easier when you just do it every once in a while… but everyday?
Yeah, I actually seriously think about that one from time to time. Definitely going to have to get adventurous with cookbooks & food sites. In that vein, I made some Chinese Fried rice for the first time the other day and loved it. +1 for the household!
I don't think this would be an issue with me, really…I can't speak for all men, but I'm so used to cooking for myself and preparing all my own meals I wouldn't really care if she forgot to cook or didn't feel like it or didn't do it everyday. I'm going to eat regardless, lol.
Oh, it was more from the point of view of diversity and not boring the hell out of ourselves with the weekly menu. But I'd definitely love someone who won't get amnesia and remains familiar with the kitchen even after we exchange vows. I couldn't marry someone who expects me to come home from a 12 hour workday and start fretting about what to cook while he bums away in front of the tv.
Yeah, I feel you…I often fear if my routine would be an issue once I settle down. I usually go to the gym right after work to work out or play ball. I don't get home most nights until anytime between 9pm and 10:30pm…once I'm home I shower up and make some dinner and chill before I go to sleep. My last relationship my g'f at the time got off work, worked out and was home at her house by 6:30p at the latest and already ate 9 times out of 10 by the time I was ready to eat. I would even go over her house sometimes when she cooked for me to eat and I'm like, "where's your plate at" and she's like, "Boy, I already ate like 3 hours ago" lol.
Mind you I really didn't care, but often wonder if my future wife will expect me to be home when she is and not out so late…or what…I dunno..Oh well, lol. Dont have to worry about that anytime soon, anyway ,lol.
lol It's a safe bet that she will. I don't know many married couples who would be cool with the other partner always coming home that late when it's not work-related..especially since you'll likely both have to go to bed early for work the next day. And God help you if you plan to have kids within the first year or two. At most, you'd probably be "allowed" to alternate nights, but methinks there'd still be some fuss about that. Some compromises could be include getting home earlier, and/or recruiting her into that routine. I want to remain slim throughout my marriage and would like him to do the same, so I like the idea of us working out together.
Better enjoy alla that while you can. lol.
This is good stuff. Coming from a man who is almost 2 years into his marriage and 26 years old, I have thought and continue to think about all of these. The One Woman the rest of your life is certainly true seeing as how most women see that shiny ring on your finger and do everything they can to make you theirs.
Yeah, many men seem to go after me despite my rings too. There is no way I would dishonor my marriage first and foremost. Furthermore, knowing a man is willing to interfere in something positive isn't thinking about me but himself (for his selfish reasons—let me see if I can get him/her challenge). With so many single people in the world, I don't consider someone seeing me as a challenge because I am married as a compliment in any form. Personally my marriage is not worth the minor ego boost I MAY get.
Interesting fears. Personally, I only have two of the fears listed…currently that is.
Those two would be the fear of not being ready to be a husband and the fear of losing 50%. The latter isn't that scary to me at the moment because 50% of what I have now isn't much, but losing it would hurt the same…believe that!
Yet, the fear of not being ready has always lingered with me. I believe there is so much that goes into marriage and sometimes I just know I'm not ready to deal with or handle that right now. At the same time, I hope that a day will come when I don't have any fears about marriage. I would say that's the time I know I would be ready to get married, but that wouldn't be accurate.
I know I'll be scared of marriage all the way until I finally say "I do." I just hope those fears aren't replaced with fears of "Did I make the right decision?" To be honest, I doubt they will. That's because when I get married I plan for it to be to the right woman and if that's the case, what's there to be afraid of. You know?
My recent post Every Man Knows I Love You is the Best Way to Get Her to Drop the Drawers
At one time, I was as afraid of marriage as men were. Because I thought I had to give up my independence. Turns out, I didn't. I love being married to my hubby. Thing is, when it is "the one" the ying to your yang…those fears fly out the window.
entertaining list though.
LOL
I'm glad to hear this. I am always on the go one of my fears is that a man will try and tie me down and hold me in one spot which would be torture for me. Or we all of a sudden will have to do all these "couples things" and wear gay matching sweaters. I know I know a little over board. But my point is that I fear that he will feel we have to "be" smtg and not just continue as we had before.
I think I am afraid of the cheating. I just got out of a conversation with this woman who was trying to convince me and another young woman (who is in a serious relationship) that all men cheat and there are so few of them that actually are good that there is no reason to be in a relationship. She said she knows men of every race and creed who have cheater on their wives. It hurt my heart I told her I'm not listening to her anymore. She said men usually don't want to make the marriage work they rather just leave. But still, the cheating thing is the worst ever.
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That sounds like a bitter woman who has never had a successful relationship who is just looking to keep as many women as she can in her situation……single, bitter and alone.
What makes me NOT worry about this is well…if he cheats and I find out….he's GONE! What I don't know, I can't worry about. I don't walk around everyday wondering and looking for things, but if something comes up, I will investigate. I have standards, and I will not deviate from them because that's when I will seem like a door mat. I will fight through a lot of things, but cheating and abuse—nope.
Besides, I am NOT afraid to start over and since I believe in a higher power that recognizes that adultery is the one reason to let a marriage go….I will not feel bad walking away from that one. I'll take my chances. It will suck to have to let my marriage go, but I'll be alright. I have seen women and men get back with cheaters….it drives a person crazy. You can't trust anything or anyone, you are always on alert, looking searching and feeling insecure (and rightfully so)…but that's no way to live if you ask me.
You know what, this is one of my greatest fears regarding commitment. I have a LOT of men in my family, most of whom are older than me. We're pretty frank and honest with each other, and (as often happens when groups chat) we've had some deep discussions on relationships. One of the things I've noticed, is that a ONE of the men in my family has been able to tell me that they've never cheated while in a relationship. This has led me to the belief that ALL MEN CHEAT. At some point. Eventually. They may not cheat on me. But, they have/are/will cheat on someone.
Love the post. Even though much of what you said was in jest, I'm sure, I know that some of those things really do run through a man's head before they get married.
I'm not married. Not even close to being engaged. But I do think I have an idea of how marriage should be because of all the awesome examples I have. [My parents will hit their 31st anniversary at the end of this month, my grandparents hit their 52nd this year].
In my mind, I've always felt that when two people get married, everything doesn't have to change. Yes, they are legally bound by marriage now, but it's not like their relationship will be entirely different than it had been when they were only engaged/dating/living together. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel that marriage only solidifies the bond the two of you already have. So when men talk about not 'being ready' for marriage, I want to know what they're preparing for. [1/2]
My recent post What Happened?? The Men of Generation Y
[2/2] Men want to provide, and seemingly want to be in a position to do so well before marriage. I always think, "We're in this together, though. You don't have to do it all by yourself because I'm here to support you and our family throughout this marriage." Just because we're married now doesn't mean I get to slack off and stay at home being lazy. I want to bring something to the table as well. So when I find someone to get married to, I look forward to us growing together. That's just me at this moment. I don't have the experience to know what I'll be like when the time comes.
My recent post What Happened?? The Men of Generation Y
MARRIAGE IS FO SUCKASSSSSS! – I said that in my most bitterest tone.
Anywho, the only fear I can relate to is She is only marrying me because she’s afraid of being single, because I believe that is true for a lot more women than will ever confess. That's cool. Thing is, I dont think it's ever the "only" reason even if it is a reason, so it's not necessarily the end all be all. Most people dont want to die alone, period.
The idea of marriage doesn't really scare me. The idea of failing at marriage keeps me up late some nights but it is what it is. Like someone else said, that "lw" guy I believe, you dont worry about crashing your car everytime you drive so why worry about divorce everytime you consider marriage? Confront your fears first, gain the courage later.
I can't wait for the day you write the post that announces your engagement, yo.
My recent post What Happened?? The Men of Generation Y
+1
I assure you it will be EPIC. lol
My recent post Thank You
Welp, I think that a good sign that its time to get married would be when all these fears are gone…male or female.
I'll never forget standing at the altar…well in front of the Justice of the Peace, lol…thinking, "You are 19 yrs old, [insert gov't name]. What the hell are you doing?????!!!!!", lol. The next time I get married, I won't feel like that…no questions. I'll know exactly what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I'll be able to articulate why we've decided to get married. And just to be sure, I'm gonna be slow to move. I'll patiently let things play out as they should.
IN-LAWS.
That is all.
My recent post Kiss me
#6 She's going to let herself go.
Most married couples have a wedding photo somewhere near the front door. Look at the photo and then look at the woman of the house. Imagine the woman you're about to marry and what she'll look like +40 pounds. If she's still attractive in your mind then go for it. Cause that's what is going to happen.
This goes both ways. In my marriage we both let ourselves go. I was unhappy so I didn't care.
Now that I am going through divorce, I look better than I did when I married him and am far happier.
I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately. It's very weird, to be a girl who used to only have guy friends, and never wore heels regularly until I was living on my own in NYC, and grow into a woman who's suddenly preoccupied with marriage and children. I've been thinking about it a lot and decided on my biggest marriage fears:
1.) That it won't ever happen. Like, I never find someone I click with like that and just never know what that closeness is like. Maybe that guy doesn't even exist. Like Chris Rock says, "You're never gonna find that person that likes Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan."
2.) That I find that person I click with and that really gets me and he never proposes. How many years would I wait? How many years is it OK to wait? What if I get tired of waiting, leave, and that's right when he's ready?
3.) That I spent all this time thinking about it and hoping for it and it's not even the right thing for me. Like, my lifestyle (current and predicted) are changing radically. If I take off, will I want to worry about a husband at home that I don't see? And kids? Is it irresponsible to have them when you want a lifestyle like what I'm striving towards?
I bought that book, "The Rules" a few years ago. Back then, I read the whole thing cover to cover and tried to stick to it. I tried because I hadn't had a legit bf in a while and I was getting discouraged. Well, it didn't work and I got back to being myself. Years have passed and I STILL haven't had a legit bf, no one even CLOSE to someone I'd consider bringing home, and I picked back up that book thinking I should try again. But I can't even get through it. I get tired just thinking about it. A friend told me to shift my focus and I actually am. Like, maybe focus on what's working instead of what's clearly not. So I stopped reading that book completely. So maybe it's not even what I want anymore. Maybe, magically, it's just not a priority. This is such a strange time…
Hey girl, snap out of it (pretend I'm a bff and I'm shaking you, lol)! What we have in common is that I was always the the girl with all the cool male friends (female friends too). Most of them are married now, so the dynamic of our friendships has changed. I never used to think about marriage. Just today I tried to picture the wedding and couldn't fully. I have never been the girl who already had the dream wedding planned. However, as I have matured I have a clear view of a successful marriage that I envision for myself. My advice to you is not to stress about not being in a relationship. Keep working on yourself spiritually, intellectually, etc. Throw that rules book away and engage in healthy social activity. Try new things. Go to new places. When men see you enjoying life they will be attracted. You're probably a dynamic, fabulous woman with a few secret admirers anyway 🙂
Sharing my living space with another… my only fear. Im territorial. Hilarious post!
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That's what your man cave will be for Streetz.
i fear boredom. i don't want either of us to get bored. but i dislike being bored in general. other than that, i've no fear of marriage. which is extraordinary considering i used to break out in hives just mentioning it.
My recent post Sliding Doors: Part VIII
I’m stupid late on this but I’m married and I still have fear. I fear that I can’t meet his expectations some day or that I’ll be a disappointment to him. We got together so young, before I was fully developed as a person. I’d just hate for him to be disappointed with how I turn out. Whatever it was he saw in me, I just hope I can carry that throughout life.
No girl, I'm stupid late, lol…busy day yeaterday and today. Just curious, how long have you been married?
We’ve been together for eleven but married for only seven.
I look forward to marriage. My only fear is marrying the wrong person.
I tried to stay away from the comments before adding my two cents, but I had to scan a few and realized there are many more bitter, scared, hopeless and clueless men and women out there than I'd originally thought.
Marriage is a huge life change (for those who think of it seriously) so it's only natural that a man and woman would have some reservations about taking the plunge, but to think of it as scary? I think that's a bit much. Your examples of what thoughts may run through a man's mind are what's SCARY. Sounds to me like thoughts of someone who probably shouldn't have proposed to a woman and may have some feelings of being inept that need to be dealt with. However, at the same time, I can understand some of the thoughts.
Here's my thing – when a man asks a woman to be their wife, their life partner, their companion, one would hope that he IS okay with wanting her for life. Regardless of how similar the random chick's derriere is to Nikki Manaj's or how good a woman is known for sword swallowing, he wants HER.
My recent post A Week of Revelations
Being able to provide for her? His shi$ should be in order before even proposing to make sure he is off to a great start at providing for her and whatever family may come after they're married. I'm not saying every man needs to have a cool million sitting in the 401k, but if you're still trying to figure out how to pay off the engagement ring, maybe the finances aren't where they need to be.
Is there someone one the side? Really? That's just sad and should be the last thing a man is worried about when proposing and preparing for marriage. Again, it's natural to wonder and the thought of someone cheating on you that you're madly in love with? Now that is scary. When a man really feels like he's ready to get married, relationship, family and societal pressure set aside, he'll do it and won't think of marriage as being "wack".
When a woman is ready to give her all, work as a partner and not expect a man to "complete her", she'll be as great of a wife as can be.
Good luck to the men who did it (proposed), to the men thinking about it (bought the ring and waiting for the time) and to the men who think that being a single black male for eternity is the thing to do.