"What do you mean her butt is nicer than mine?!?!?!"

I Worry.  If I don’t grind hard enough, I won’t be rich.  If I don’t set at least 2 alarms, I’ll miss my flight.  Sh*t happens and I try hard to make sure it doesn’t happen to me.

Now I find myself about to get married.  I am about to commit the rest of my life to another person.  But not only the person, but the concept of marriage.  With high divorce rates, stories of failed marriages, and the sad reality that Steve Harvey is the messiah of one too many single women looking for love … it seems like marriage is all kinds of jacked up.

I’ve talked to people, read opinions, and meditated (yeah … just sat there and thought about ish) and I have come up witha few surefire signs that a young and budding marriage will surely fail.  Heed my advice … have I let you down yet?

S/He’s doesn’t like “Coming to America”

WTF! Where did you even find this person?  How can any marriage composed of one person with no sense of humor (who didn’t want to personally go to Zamunda after watching the movie) survive?  You might think this isn’t a big deal and that no two people can like all of the same things, but the person you want to marry might be a serial killer or white.  Can’t sing along with Sexual Chocolate … marriage doomed.

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S/He won’t give enlightenment

You saw “The Brothers”.  You can’t you even blame D.L. for getting a divorce (spoiler)?  You might think this isn’t important. You might think that the love for this other person will overcome the lack of oral satisfaction.  But the truth is you will end up at your boy’s (or girl’s) bachelor party trying to pay a stripper to give you the “attention” that you need (Lost … watch “The Brothers” again).  No slobbing (or licking) … marriage doomed.

He doesn’t know how to lie

I love my future wife, but there are just times when the truth will do more damage than it’s worth.  I’m not talking about big lies (“That isn’t my nephew, it’s my son”), but the small ones that make the world turn a little smoother.  Lies such as “that looks really good on you”, “what? Your friend has a fat a$$? I never even noticed,” and the most important “Of course you’re right honey.”  The fact is that any good husband needs to keep his wife happy through the flawless telling of small mistruths. Can’t lie about the back fat with a straight face? Marriage doomed.

She makes more money … significantly more

I am just as forward thinking as the next person.  I believe in sexual equality, I believe she can do anything I can do, and I don’t want her to think that I am going to hold her back in anyway.  But … I’m not trying to ask my wife for money or look at her paycheck and guffaw how much bigger it is than mine.  F* all that. As much as we say it’s OK … trust … it isn’t. Double his pay … marriage doomed.

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All her friends want to f* her husband

Let’s face it … women are grimy and men are weak.  If you have beautiful women constantly thrown in your face because of brunch, drinks at night, and birthday parties … there is a chance for trouble.  If these women are explicitly plotting on how to actually get you to crack … there will be trouble.  Grimy friends with fat a$$ (or tig ol’s) … marriage doomed.

What are the warning signs that you have seen?  How can you predict a dead man walking down the aisle? Let’s have fun while speaking some truths!

 – SBM aka “It’s not a lie if I tell myself it’s true” aka SBM ain’t scurred

P.S. The day is upon us! SBM Happy Hour tonight at Empire Room in NYC from 6-10pm. If you’re in the city and plan to drop, please rsvp here: SBM Happy Hour RSVP Form