I wonder if he knows he has key tracker on his laptop.

Let’s face it, we all know that women don’t want men to have fun. You are only allowed to ever have fun with her and her alone. Have you ever seen the rage in your woman’s eyes after admitting you actually had a good time “just hanging with the fellas”? It’s terrifying. That’s why whenever a man wants to go out with his boys he has to give some long-winded story to justify the adventure:

See baby, John had a fight with his girl and he’s really in need right now. I don’t want to go but he’s making me. He’s really upset. You know we’ve been friends for 28 years and I really feel like I should be there for him right now. It’s going to suck. He’s so miserable and he’s going to make me miserable. Meanwhile, John is somewhere on the other side of the city telling his girl the same story about Jim. Twenty minutes later Jim and John are confirming the sob-story they’re going to tell their respective girlfriends later that night after they leave the Gentlemen’s Club.

You have to be a CIA operative just to have fun in a relationship. You definitely can’t be honest and simply look your woman in the eye and say, “Baby I love you but I need to go out and do some man sh*t!” Because finding out what she considers fun is lame as all hell will hurt her feeeeeelings – and no man wants to deal with a hurt woman’s feelings, bro.

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I’m not a conspiracist but I am observant. In my daily adventures, I come across things that don’t make sense. Things that make me say “Hmmmmm?” Now I’m not accusing anyone (I am) but I’m pretty sure women are behind the creation of the following technological innovations for the sole purpose of ensuring the man in their life never has an ounce of fun without her knowing about it.

1. GPS. An invention that allows her to know where you are 24-7? Need I say more…

2. Blackberry Messenger (BBM). You can’t turn it off and it automatically tells the sender you not only received but read their message? WTF!!!???!!! Only from the twisted, dark, conniving mind of a woman could such a contraption be contrived. 

3. Yahoo Mail. I’m old, so I still have a Yahoo email account. I can’t delete it because it’s my main email and people still contact me there. Here’s the thing about Yahoo mail, it’s a [Rooster]-blocker. Not that I condone cheating, but if you are going to cheat, don’t use Yahoo mail. If you  use Yahoo mail and you are unfaithful you will get caught. For instance, let’s say you and the wife are checking bank statements together and you delete a message in Yahoo. Do you know what Yahoo does? It automatically opens up the next message! This is fine if the next message is spam but if the next message is from your mistress, you’re going to have some splainin’ to do. Design flaw or female intuition?!? You tell me!

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Conversely, when you delete a message in Gmail it automatically takes you back to the INBOX. Gmail, created by men, for men!

4. DVR. Remember when DVR came out? Men thought we were winning. We can pause live TV!?! Men everywhere rejoiced! This triumph was short lived. Shortly after the introduction of DVR women, as they have a tendency to do, ruined the joy of men everywhere with a simple phrase: “Can’t you just pause it?”

Women, clearly the more evolved plotter thinker of the species, saw an opportunity to be able to make a man do whatever she wants whenever she wants because he doesn’t have an excuse like “the game is on.” Now the game can be paused. The fact that women can’t appreciate the difference between watching a live game and watching a game 2 hours later because she wanted you to help her pick out sconces on a Sunday is about as understandable as…well, about as understandable as women, which is needless-to-say, not understandable.

5. The Verizon Wireless Network. Have you ever wondered why in the hell the Verizon Wireless network is so damn reliable? I have. It was obviously created by women or Skynet or both! Think about it, ATT is a multi-billion dollar company. If they successfully acquire T-mobile, they will be the largest provider of cellular service in the United States by far. Despite this fact, you can’t get dependable cell service from ATT standing on top of an ATT cell tower – and I couldn’t be more grateful!

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I am convinced that ATT purposely puts out crappy service so that men can always say “I’m sorry dear, I couldn’t get a signal.” when they need a timeout from their significant other. Thankfully, ATT is seeking to take over T-mobile so their crappy service can reach even further. In fact, I’m certain ATT’s only mission in life is to provide men everywhere with crappy service so they can have plausible deniability whenever their significant other asks why they didn’t answer the phone. I mean if your man is on ATT and refuses to join you on Verizon Wireless I’m not saying he’s cheating but…

Call me paranoid if you want but I wouldn’t put anything past women. I’m sure there’s a League of Extraordinary Ladies somewhere who meet in an abandoned building disguised as a book club or PTA meeting where they discuss current and future plans for world domination. If it was up to them, all men everywhere would own DVRs and phones with built in GPS that run on the world’s most reliable network, Verizon Wireless. These are my theories but what are some other inventions that you are convinced were created by the opposite sex for the sole purpose of making your life more difficult?

I’m looking at you, bra inventor.

PS: I won’t be in town to comment on this post so I hope everyone had a good Christmas, and have a happy and safe New Year! I’ll see you all in 2012, our final year. As always, thanks for the love and support!