It doesn't always end like this...or even close to this.

I was perusing Madame Noire’s homepage yesterday and came across an article titled “7 Things a Man Only Does If He’s Serious About You.” Being the curious lad I am, I clicked through to see how the author, jaustin, would translate a man’s actions into womanspeak.

Jaustin is normally one of my favorite contributors at Madame. When I see her name on something there, I usually read it and can at least give a couple nods. But this article was so egregiously erroneous that the passion of the pen compelled me to point out why it does a tremendous disservice to the women she wrote it for.

Also and unfortunately, when I found the article, it had 452 Facebook likes and 405,000 views. I’m convinced and hopeful that at least 430 of those likes were from men who wanted women to follow the post down the yellow brick road of dreams deferred, despair, and wrong #hims. I’m also convinced that at least 150,000 of those pageviews were from women who took the article as fact, tried to apply it to their lives, then came back for a double-take when things didn’t turn out smiley.

The headline indicated that there are seven things a man only does when he’s in it for the long haul. I wanted to take the top three or four, but I found enough wrong with each of the points to cover them all. So here goes.

Ask about “that thing”

If you had a job interview you were nervous about, or a doctor’s appointment, a meeting about a possible promotion, or just something you had once mentioned was coming up and he makes a point of calling you up after to ask how it went, he is serious about you. Men who aren’t serious about a woman make a point of not asking for too many details about her life.

No he’s not. Maybe this one fails because the example is served on a rusted garbage can lid, but if someone was excited or anxious about something and they shared that with me, I’d follow up with them because that’s just the type of person I am. If you tell me that your cat Speedo had Acute Pawsitis surgery on the 15th and I call you on the 16th to see how it went, that doesn’t mean I’m interested in cutting the cake with you on your special day…unless it’s a “welcome” home cake for Speedo…who can’t even eat the sh*t. Da f**k? Take off that tiny hat.

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Clarify missed calls

Did he take hours to call back? Did he completely forget to text back? If you’re just someone he is having temporary fun with, he isn’t concerned about you getting pissed about those things. But if he makes a point of saying, “Hey, sorry for taking so long, I was hung up in etc, etc” or “Oh my god I just realized you sent me a text when I was at work and I completely forgot to answer! I’m so sorry!” then you’re not someone he is willing to let go of easily. (Men know how much delayed call or text-backs upset us).

Cheating @ss men do this all the time. Single @ss men trying to balance their buttbooks do this all the time. A man who has anything going on in life does this all the time. It doesn’t mean anything other than “Sorry. I was busy.” Do you know how often my name goes yellow on gchat? Or how often I just go invisible all together because I’m tied up non-erotically? Probably not. Man, I’m truncating this sh*t due to frustration.

Offer to help

When you mention that you’re moving, or putting together some furniture, or looking for a new car, does he jump at the chance to help? Does he often look for ways he can be of service to you? Men don’t do that just for a woman they are trying to sleep with or casually date for a short period of time. They save that type of effort for ones they are serious about.

No they don’t. Define serious? Serious backshots? Cmon now. This is the type of stuff that gets decent men labeled as masters of misleadery. Some dudes just like to help. Others just want to help you get undressed. Either way, I wouldn’t rely too heavily on this one. It will get you pumped and disappointed…unless you only want pumps.

Plan ahead

If you’re just a fling to him, you are (unfortunately) kind of replaceable. But, if he is serious about you, no one else’s presence will do. You’ll know that is the case if he asks you a significant amount of time ahead of time to reserve a day so that you can be his date to something. That means he wants to guarantee he gets your time.

You’re killing me J. If you had said he planned an elaborate date ahead of time, I’d have rocked with you. But many a man  has simply reserved time with a woman three to four weeks in advance. It doesn’t mean anything extra special. Some of us hate being last minute about stuff. I don’t want to be sending out tweets or FB blasts two days before the Chocolate Gala because I’ve slacked in my pimpin’ date hustle. And as awful as this sounds, maybe dude’s wife just went out of town and now he’s free to see you. 

Care about your career

If he really cares about you, he wants all the other things in your life that make you happy to go as well as possible! If a man has clearly put time into thinking about your career, and coming up with suggestions for how you could advance it or be happier in it, he plans on being around for a while. He is making sure things in your future will be good. Because he plans on being with you then and he wants to be with a woman who is happy.

I will never give another woman career advice again.

Brags about you

If he isn’t serious about you, he may bring you to a party or a friend’s get together, but he’ll most likely leave you to fend for yourself. If he is serious about you, he is proud of you, and he will make a point of being near you to introduce you to people and tell them all about you and your accomplishments.

What is this? The coliseum? Are there lions? Thugs with boxcutters? Vicious initiation ceremonies? What dude — other than the @sshole — is inviting women out then leaving them to fend for themselves? So if a man shows common courtesy, does introductions, and speaks of your accomplishments, he wants to be boobooed up? I think naught. Though I must say, this was a valiant effort.

Just wants to cuddle

No man who is trying to keep things casual is going to make the terrible mistake of sending a, “Can’t you just be next to me so we can cuddle?” text. They know that sends a serious signal. If a guy sends this type of text, he likes you.

Don’t you know that 9 out of 10 spoons end in forks?! Men know this. We win with this. We’ve been doing this since high school with no intention of commitment.

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It’s articles like these that give women hope where there should be none. Men can’t do nice things if every gesture is assumed to be a sign of serious interest. Put more simply, every little thing he does doesn’t mean you’re on his mind. For as much as people complain about male relationship experts,  I wish they’d spend the same amount of time calling out stuff like this on the sites so many women frequent. Taking this advice will get you got, and is further reason why you should take these random relationship opinions with a grain of salt. I don’t want to see you with tattooed tears of anti-joy.

The Power is Yours,

P.S. Highlight directly below this line for a secret message that will get me bodied if I share it openly.

If a man is serious about you, he will tell you.