Your wife didn't prevent you from getting with Alicia Keys; your lameness did.

As I get older, I’m 29 with two grey hairs in my beard, more and more of my friends are getting married (or divorced, but that’s not today’s focus). For most people, this is the natural progression of life. You get older, the people around you get married and if you’re unlucky lucky, you get married too. Then you raise some little crumb snatchers and collect tax benefits. That is my general understanding of the process.

The other day, however, I found myself wondering if married men even enjoy marriage. I think they do, but I really have no idea. For whatever reason it’s almost expected for married men to focus on the negative aspects of marriage instead of the positives. For example, when I informed one of my married friends that I was thinking of settling down myself his response was, “DON’T DO IT! You don’t want this life man. Stay single, FOREVER. Reconsider! Read some literature on the subject!”

It has become almost unacceptable for men to champion for the positives of marriage to their single friends. This is despite the fact that married men live longer, are generally healthier, and on average, they have more money and more sex than their single counterparts. I think the primary culprit is married men forget how lame they were as single men. Today, I want to remind them. I hope that this will inspire them to stop taking their wives for granted because real talk, I have no idea why she is with your lame ass, bro. This is an obvious testament to the fact that there is a God, because she is your miracle.

Below are 7 more reasons why married men are lame, but their life is awesome (even if they don’t realize it).

1. You aint got no game and you never had no game. I hate having conversations about women with my married friends. They always manage to sneak in the phrase, “You lucky I’m married…” There is no comeback to this line. My married friends’ selective amnesia convinces them they were fighting off women by the boatload when they were single while I sat on the sidelines with tears welling up in my eyes because they took all the women.

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Yeah, ok.

I’m pretty sure you spent 90% of your single life playing PS3. You never had game or if you did, I never saw it, like ever, and I’ve known you my entire life. Married men latch onto that ONE great weekend they had and will retell the story 1,000,001 times as if it was the rule and not the exception.

Married Friend: You remember that one time I got 17 numbers at Kappa Beach?!

WisdomIsMisery: THAT WAS 2002!

MF: Quit hatin.

WIM: 15 of those numbers turned out to be fake and you didn’t even bag none of those brawds!

MF: I kissed two in da mouf at the same time, Sean!

WIM: Who the hell is Sean? … Anyway, everyone was drunk and I think one of those two “women” was a man with a Super Bowl ring.

MF: Yeah, well, whatever. Still counts. Haters gonna hate.

2. Single life is not all P.Diddy white parties and Playboy mansion getaways. My married friends attempt to live vicariously through me even though my life is rather ho hum. They watch BET videos and assume that’s how single people live. They think I’m out here making it rain and making big bootied women’s booty jiggle every weekend between Magic City and the Playboy mansion, respectively. If I tell them different, they call me a liar. It’s a lot of pressure to live the life my married friends think I’m living – and let them tell it, they would be living “if only I wasn’t married, dawg.”

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3. Married men really think their wife is the only thing stopping them from having sex with every woman in the world, plus Alicia Keys. You’re an idiot. It’s any wonder your wife will agree to have sex with you. You are not a very attractive person. I personally find you physically repulsive.

4. Married men party harder than any man ON EARTH. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of partying with a married man BUT IT IS IRREPREHENSIBLE. And for GOD’S SAKE don’t let a married man and a married woman come across each other at the club. That is a perfect storm of calamity. They’ll get to slow grinding (twenty-five feet from one another out of respect for their wife/husband at home) to every fast song that comes on. It’s troubling to witness, like watching two honey badgers wrestle over gristle.

When you’re single, you don’t have to party too hard because you can always shrug your shoulders and remind yourself, “there’s always next weekend.” There is no “next weekend” for married people. There is TONIGHT. Married people get a baby sitter and escape their kids for a few hours and LOSE THEIR MINDS. If you ever see a dude doing a combination of the jerk, harlem shake, and fist pump AT THE SAME TIME, I’ll put everything in the bank on the fact that dude is married. Married people go beyond hard in the paint. They go concrete. No single person is going to out-party a married person up until about 11pm.

Then they’re slumped over in a booth somewhere falling asleep complaining about, “How late does this club stay open?”

5. Go have sexual relations with your wife, bro. Married dudes are perverts. They always want to know about your single sex life. Then they ask all kinds of increasingly invasive questions. “Did you make her say your name?”, “Did you put it in her butt?”, “Did she have pretty feet? ….Did you suck on’m?”

WIM: DAWG! You’re folding your children’s onesies right now and you’re seriously asking me if I put it in her butt? You need help.  AND NO, I AINT SUCK NO STRANGE GIRL’S TOES. …they were pretty tho.

MF: How you not gon suck her toes, bro? …you lucky I’m married.

WIM: *blank stare*

You are not Guile.

6. You’re lame. Face it. Grow up and be a family man. In summary, married men, you’re lame. Face it. Grow up and be a family man. You never had game. You had one good weekend in 2002 but that was 45 pounds and two full hairlines ago. You can’t recreate that experience! Single life is not all that, trust me. It’s iiiiiiight at best. But, even if you were single, since you have no game, you couldn’t get any of these women anyway, so what does it matter?

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Go in your home, kiss your kids on the forehead, kiss your loving wife in the mouth, and if that’s what you’re into, suck on her toes and do it in the butt.

7. Your reason here. In your experience, ladies and gentlemen, what’s another reason you think married men are lame, should shut up, love their wife and kids, and be family men? Why are (most) married men so  hesitant to admit to their single friends how much they love being married (unless of course he’s drunk, then you can’t pay him to shut up about how much he loves his wife, how she saved him from certain death, and his kids are the best thing that ever happened to him)?

Lastly, what is it like for women? What are your married women-friends like? I know for a fact those are the hardest dancing women ON EARTH. How in the hell do you cat-daddy in 6-inch stilettoes?


Editor’s Note: Please check out my new entertainment website, REAL MEN DON’T