Access granted or denied?

For a long time, I’ve always played the character that Black men play very well. It’s a good way to end up left, dead in the first 45 minutes of a serious situation, or in jail without bail money. That’s right, I’ve played the token Black guy in a lot of movies (yep, my life is a movie). To be honest, that never surprises anyone. I just like hanging out with different people and doing different things (mainly things like beer pong and flip cup; Black people think those games are just disgusting from a germ standpoint).

We are live today with a fresh mix from Carver The Great, this one is called, Sarah Palin. The tracklist is below, this mix is dedicated to those of the other persuasion, check it out. Download here, or stream below:

Anyway, as much as it looks sort of awkward when you see one Black guy in a crowd of white people, it’s much more awkward the other way around. No, I’m not talking about a group of Black men and a white girl (get your mind out the gutter). I’m talking about a group of Black people and a white girl. Eminem made it cool for white men to be in the group; white women, we’re still on edge. I always wonder how those girls get accepted into the crew. I imagine it looks like an old episode of Law & Order, with Green and Lenny interrogating the hell out of her. But in all honesty, Black people just want to know that you are “down.”

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Yeah, I don’t know what “down” means either. Actually, I know what it means; I can’t define it. This week, I jotted down some questions that you need to ask before you let that white girl in the crew.

  1. Full Name
  2. Origin (When your peoples were in Europe, where did they stay at?)
  3. Measurements (The fellas just want to know the third number, you ain’t got to tell all your business.)
  4. What do you season your chicken with?
  5. Do you like Boys II Men or Jeezy?
  6. What type of jeans are those?
  7. The cops show up, what do you do?
    • – Tell them you have the situation under control.
    • – Run like hell in the opposite direction of the negroes.
    • – Run like hell in the same direction of the negroes, stopping only to throw a sweater over the barb wire fence.
    • – Nothing. Take the charge, your parents will bail you out in 45 minutes.
  8. When do you pay your Verizon bill?
    • – You don’t.
    • – When they turn it off? (1x can be the death of a gangsta.)
    • – On the 16th of the month like everybody else.
      • — Who is everybody else?
  9. Pronounce, “50 Cent.”
  10. Is it okay to sleep with someone your homegirl slept with … in the last 24 months?
  11. Who is better, Ray Charles or Johnny Cash?
  12. Who did Elvis steal all his moves from?
    • – Rhetorical question.
  13. Can you freestyle?
  14. Is Mariah Carey an African-American singer?
    • – “Mixed”? Black people can’t have nothing, huh? Fine, then we’ll take Bill Clinton as being the first Black president. He was half-Black and grew up poor.
  15. Did George Jefferson also play Kunte Kinte in a popular Black movie about slavery?
  16. Is the background picture on your phone/computer of Reggie Bush, Michael Ealy, or Idris Elba?
  17. What are you more likely to watch? The Notebook or Jason’s Lyric?
  18. Did you think Love & Basketball was stupid?
  19. You’re telling a story and come to a part where someone used the n-word, do you…
    • – Skip over it without showing it any attention.
    • – Tell a long story about why you hate the word, but need to say it to finish the story.
    • – Just let it rip.
    • – Politely say, “This says the n-word here” as to make it clear that you were not saying it, they were.
  20. If we have plans to have dinner at 8PM, what time do you show up?
    • – 7:45
    • – 8:00
    • – 9:30
  21. Do you have any priors?
  22. Define: “hooking up.”
    • – That ain’t got nothing to do with anything, we just want to know if it means sex or not.
  23. Do your parents own a gun, and has anybody been picking on you?
    • – Fresh out of “potential murderer friend” spots.
  24. Have you ever had cornbread?
  25. Can I borrow a dollar?
  26. Do you understand why I’m angry?
  27. Last one. Please recite the lyrics to the first verse of Notorious B.I.G.’s, “Juicy.”
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It’s just jokes people; please don’t call me a racist. Of course each of these won’t apply to everybody. I’m sure the white people you like to consider “down,” can get each of these questions right. But if you think for one moment that there aren’t some people out there who can’t get this right, think again. I asked Black folks these questions and some of them still got them wrong. Anyway, thank God it’s Friday, enjoy your weekend, I’m out.

Tracklist: 1. Amber Don’t F*ck Up! by Tony Roberts, 2. My World by Iggy Azalea, 3. Katy On A Mission by Katy B, 4. Rolling In The Deep by Adele, 5. I Think She Ready by Iggy Azalea & FKi, 6. Gucci Gucci by Kreayshawn, 7. E.T. by Katy Perry & Kanye West, 8. White Girl by Young Jeezy, 9. Woohoo by Christina Aguilera & Nicki Minaj, 10. Murda Bizness by Iggy Azalea & T.I., 11. Sh*t White Girls Say To Their Black Boyfriends…