I’ve was involved with a man for about 9 months and as naïve as this may sound, things were great throughout the duration of the relationship. We were in committed monogamous relationship in which he initiated and pursued. Through the entire relationship, he pushed to ‘make it official,’ but based on his lifestyle and age (he’s 27) I sincerely felt he was not ready for the commitment level I’m accustomed to and constantly voice my concern based on his advances. Then finally, after an internal battle with my emotions and fears, I decided ‘okay- I wanted you to be my boyfriend, let’s do this damn thing.’ And he was thrilled- so I thought.
Within 10 days of being an official couple- he breaks it off with me, out of the blue…. Via text. His reasoning ‘he’s not yet ready to be in a relationship and wants to be single.’ His request- ‘I want to stay friends, and take a step back and omit the title.’ Because it ‘scares him.’ My heart BROKE… and still remains broken as I type this email. So my questions is- why would a man push and work so hard to want to be my man, only to get scared and break my heart? I understand men are competitive creatures and it’s evident that chase of making me his girl meant more to him then actually being my man. I wish I can tell you that I’m completely over the punkass, but im not. I’m distraught and in my woman way of thinking- secretly hope he’d see the light and work towards the relationship we both wanted (so I thought). What insight can you give towards men who’ve never had the chance to be in a ‘real’ relationship? And how should a woman approach the situation when her heart is already in it?
Wow. This question is very intricate and has a lot of moving parts! I understand that, at its core, you want to know why he broke it off and what you should do. However, you made a few statements that lead me to wonder whether this union was doomed from its inception.
I feel like a lot of your perspective on the relationship that you have is contradictory. You say that you were involved in a “committed monogamous relationship” with this gentleman for 9 months. In the same breath, you say “I sincerely felt he was not ready for the commitment level I’m accustomed to and constantly voice my concern based on his advances.”
The irony is hitting me in the face like a ton of bricks! You mention his age, which leads me to believe that you are older than him, and question his maturity. For a 27 year old dude to know what he wants, stay committed to you without a title, and constantly express to you that he wants you as his girlfriend, is the antithesis of immature in my opinion. You said that in your opinion, this dude wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, yet you were dealing with him monogamously for 9 months! This sounds like a classic case of role reversal to me. You play the part of the man who deals with a woman for an extended period of time, yet doesn’t want to give her a label. This fellow plays the role of the faithful, smitten lady who gradually becomes infatuated with a man, does the right things, plays the position, and wants more than an “off the books” relationship.
Whether you like it or not, you two had a common law relationship. I call it common law, because you were monogamous and together for 9 months. You did everything that couples do, without a title. By your own word, the only thing that you questioned was his commitment level. After 9 months of imploring you to be his woman, what more commitment proof did you need? You’re standards are more stringent than student loan applications! Now, his actions that you didn’t detail may have contributed to your hesitation to make it official, but I can only advise based on what you wrote. I don’t know any woman who would let a dude go past 4-5 months without making it official, especially if the man advocates constantly! Something else MUST’VE occurred, otherwise, your actions look and feel weird to me.
Why would a man push and work so hard to want to be my man, only to get scared and break my heart?
Easy – He lied to you. Well, maybe not 100% lied, but he didn’t keep it 100% real. You said that “I understand men are competitive creatures and it’s evident that chase of making me his girl meant more to him then actually being my man.” This statement is 50% factual. Men are competitive individuals (I HATE the term creature). However, I don’t think that making you his girlfriend meant more than actually being your boyfriend. I think that he retaliated against you whether knowingly or not. You made this man wait 9 months for a commitment, while doing everything committed people do. If this was one of your girlfriends telling you this story, you would’ve screamed “dump this ^$&*%&” from the high heavens EARLY! This situation equates to a guy who plays a video game with a compelling story. He puts in 25+ hours of effort to get to the ending, and it’s sub par. He reflects on the hours of gameplay, and proclaims “All that work and THAT’s how it ends?! I wasted my time!” That’s how this dude probably feels about you. You dissolved his pride and his spirit over that 9 month period, and when you finally “caved”, he started to question his decision. He thought about the time wasted and the missed opportunities with other females. He pondered that if you flaked like this over a title, then how would you react in more serious situations? I don’t know if he truly wants to be single, or he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. I do know that he sounds fed up, and angry that he wasted his time. Now, he wants to test the waters, and honestly I can’t be mad at him.
You say he wasn’t in a real relationship before. I don’t know his history, but I can tell you at least one real relationship that he had: with YOU! The problem is that you didn’t realize it until it was too late. Although you harbour mixed feelings for him at the moment, I think that it’s best that you give him space and move on with your life. He may be too proud and bitter to accept you in a relationship for the foreseeable future. There’s no need to torture yourself, you live and you learn. Take this as a valuable lesson, like all men have at least once in their lives, and be better next time.
SBM Fam: Let our friend above know your thoughts on the situation.
StreetZ
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Aww sometime tried to hard to have a relationship on their terms and by their “standards”
Cole world…real Cole world
You what thi sounds like? Her heart was somewhere else. She claims to have been monagamous and that may ne true physically, however, her heart was somewhere else. She was probably banking on her true interest to come around and profess his love to her. She probably realized this after hearinmg or seeing that the true love interest has moved on or doeosnt feel the same for her so she has decided to move to the alternative and deal with the latter. The guy prob ably picked up on it and told her he’s no longer into it. As much as women like to believe men are dumb they are not. He probably noticed the signs andd wondered why the sudden change of heart. Most women will jump at the opportunity if a man she is seeing decides that he wanst to make it official. A woman wouldn’t endure a man that long unless it is beneficial (hopes that he will solidify the relationship) or to her or waiting forthe next best thing to come around.
RIght, she didn't want him. For nine months, she was telling dude "I'll kick it with you but I don't see us having a future". Something must have happened. I think whoever she was checking for or waiting on wasn't giving her the time of day. She then thought that since I've been stringing this boy along for 9 months, he should jump for joy that I agreed to be his girl. Wrong.
She needs to realize that her heart isn't broken. Her ego is bruised. Big difference.
Her heart isnt broken. Her ego is bruised.
CHURCH……preach.
"She needs to realize that her heart isn't broken. Her ego is bruised. Big difference"
alladat. yep.
My recent post Take Me Back to 1953
Definately. Shorty is probably the "stereotypical cutie" ( which i dare not to elaborate on ) who thought dude wasn't on her level mentally and to be quite honest physically either. He was probably just a nice guy.
Streetz you rough homie ! You broke it all the way down.
nah,
He had to be physically appealing to her otherwise while deal with youngin for close to a year, who does that?? lets's not forget they were doing boyfriend and girlfriend things.. (out in public/kissing/holdings hands/mattress mambo, all of that)
I totally disagree. Sometimes a woman or man will put aside physical attributes, or take a step down if the guy or girl has a good job , morals and is somewhat attractive. Don't you ever see a guy or a girl and be like "how they pull that".
Ok, I see your point but I don't think it was his lacking in the physical dept. this phrase "commitment level I am accustomed to" alone tells me it goes deeper than that.
My honest opinion.
Oh it definately goes deeper like your saying. Trust and believe. I hope everything works out for old girl.
I owe it to all my readers/friends etc to be honest. Not rough at all just real love *Mary J Chicken Wrap Bop*
I just know what my female friends would say to me if I came at them with thsi story so i had to flip it! lol
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If only this story was flipped with shorten months. Took it slow , after 3 months asked the question. Then the relationship happen. After the first severe argument, the disapproval from her friends, and it being long distance and she decided (her end) to go back to being friends. I learned before always forward never backward so friends was not an option. Was not like I mad her wait like ole boy did the lady in the text but its not everyday late in there 20's fellows are trying to settle down.
well let's see….she tried to cock block the dude by putting up a challenge to let the dude chase her. and then in an instant she tried to chase him and he decided to call it quits. its like hanging a bloody piece of stake over a vicious pitbull's head and then when he gets tried of jumping for it he retreats once you drop it on the floor! he just got tried of the chase! and usually when men get tired of chasing that one woman they move on to the next one when it's not going anywhere! you see this is the very reason why black chicks can get a man. because they play games! men don't like games! and for the people saying he was immature, he wasn't he was tried of her bullshit and moved on!~ better to be single than to jump hoops for an unappreciative bitch who thinks she wears the pants. Think like a man, and lose a good one!
tell em why you mad son?!?!
My recent post Take Me Back to 1953
You assume she's black tho…
My recent post [EVENTS] First Saturdays #AfterTheMuseum Cinco De Mayo Edition!
you see this is the very reason why black chicks can get a man. [assuming that you meant can't here] because they play games! men don't like games!
C'mon now, it's too early in the morning for all that. I mean damn, the post doesn't even say she's black, nor is that fact even relevant. Just because she made poor choices, she now represents an entire race of women? Chill. And men don't like games? Are you serious? Get thee entire FOH! I agree that her actions appeared to be more immature than his, and she took too long to make a decision. But that doesn't make her "an unappreciative bitch who thinks she wears the pants."
My dude, Who Hurt You?
My recent post Remember Me???
^^^^^^ What she said
AGREED!
I find this too funny, I made a comment similar to this on a recent post but in a different context and yet it was about five black chicks that responded to it and only one dude. why is that when I try to keep it real, women like you come out of the blue and say stuff like, oh he's bitter, he's hurt? nobody is hurt, because FYI there's more females in this world than there are men! so for every man that doesn't have a woman, there's about five of them waiting around the corner for him! the reason why I said it was a black woman is because the title of the article references think like a man, act like a lady we all know black women have read this book! and the picture at the beginning of the article is a black woman so obviously it's an article that subliminally refers to black women due to the title and the picture you see at the beginning! if you had any basic intelligence you would see that!
Secondly, Im only trying to say what I feel she was doing wrong, A man is suppose to pursue a woman, a woman is not suppose to pursue a man! she flipped the script on him and started chasing him, women arn't suppose to be chasing men and playing cat and mouse, mouse and cat! this is where she failed, she truly didn't appreciate him and she put up these fronts to keep him from getting close. and if you do that you won't be able to keep a man's attention. thats why I said women always want to have there way, but in most cases Beggers can't be choosers!
Ready for the realness?!?! Ok so around month 5 or 6 he was over you. He then proceeded to date/screw/holla at other females and realized either your heart belongs to someone else or you just don't want him. He kept you in the picture just in case any of the his shawties fell through. So here you go talkin bout " ok im ready now " and hes like hold up hooooooooold up i got this other shawty over here and its popping. So he hit you with the " lets just be friends " because he's having hella fun!!
My advice to you is to continue to do you and keep it moving. Your woman's intuition was correct from the beginning.
" Your woman's intuition was correct from the beginning." This is a prime example of the reason why folks need to go with their gut feelings most all of the time.
She definitely turned into the Hobby Chick
My recent post [EVENTS] First Saturdays #AfterTheMuseum Cinco De Mayo Edition!
I agree with Streetz's answer. Although I feel that we might not have the full picture but it seems clear that this man was fed up. He is upset after trying for all this while to make it official with the lady and yet she does not agree but they keep doing couple stuff together. I cant speak for the man but I know that things like this frustrate me eventually when I snap out of my infatuation bubble. Nothing hurts a man's pride than pretending like you are in a monogamous relationship with him without the title hence he cant cheat because he is a good guy especially if he wants to be your bf or have the title. Eventually if you cave in, the man might eventually find the whole thing not to his liking and bounce. I have had this situation, where I was doing couple stuff with this girl for so long and she always introduced me as her friend to strangers. It pissed me off and still does to today. We eventually went our separate ways.
My recent post And God said unto Nigeria, “Let there be Light!”
Streetz, i think you hit the nail on the head. as a woman, i think you read this situation very well.
often times, we as women think we're doing ourselves a service by keeping the men we date at a far distance, making sure we dont end up getting played or settling for the wrong guy. we'll "play house" with a guy until he proves himself to be Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now). all the while brow-beating him about what he is or isnt ready for, and second guessing everything he claims to want. nothing about this is inviting or welcoming for building a long-lasting relationship.
if you dont think a person is ready for the commitment level you are accustomed to (or desire), why would you bother with a committed monogamous relationship with them in the 1st place?
My recent post My God vs. My Country
It's normal for a woman to scream for commitment from a man she is dealing with when that does not happen right away 3 things happen: 1. His EGO is Hurt. 2. He goes into Lock Down Syndrome 3. The Game is Over: This topic hit so close to home that I did my own response on my site called WHY HE DUMPED YOU: THE BAIT AND SWITCH THEORY http://faithfellasandfreebies.com/2012/05/16/why-…
I was in a very similar situation. We were at diferent schools only about 40 minutes apart but that was enough to justify not being “official”. We fought like a couple and would take breaks from one another, then kiss and make up again nothing is remotely official. This went on until we both graduated and it became ok so now what. When the moment of truth came I thought all the messed up things she did to me, and the messed up things i did to her. I thought about the fact i wasted half of my ugrad years in a fake relationship. I played the not ready for a relationship card, and she accepted. Then i met someone else and i was ready. To this day she still resents me for it, she takes shots at me asking why her, what does she have that she doesnt, and as i thought about it, the answer was simple….a clean slate.
"To this day she still resents me for it, she takes shots at me asking why her, what does she have that she doesnt, and as i thought about it, the answer was simple….a clean slate.
DAMN…
Might have to write about this myself. Consider this idea stolen. *YOINK*
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That last line was poetic. melodic if you willl
'Clean Slate" Wis feat various artists
My recent post [EVENTS] First Saturdays #AfterTheMuseum Cinco De Mayo Edition!
I know I’m late and all, but hasn’t anyone seen Raw????? This is “….and so you wait..you wait for 3 months…’ Eddie had this situatio cold almost 30yrs ago lol
"as i thought about it, the answer was simple….a clean slate."
Yep. Sometimes, it's of the essence.
That last paragraph right there summed it up perfectly.
This right here! Tristan you said it all….a clean slate. I have been here. In a relationship for a year and constantly trying to get it right. When he finally decided to fight harder, i was ready to move on. Still had feelings for him but realized I need just what you said…a clean slate. It was the best decision for the both of us,
let me Copy+Paste this whole paragraph…in its entirety…and purposefully bold the last sentence…because THIS is the honest to God truth…
That "clean slate" comment just saved my life! That is the lightbulb comment of the century. Yes! I totally get it now.
My recent post I still am not getting the hang of dating
“he pushed to ‘make it official…”
Let me first make the disclaimer that I don’t know exactly what happened in this situation, all I have to go on is your account.
That said, women frequently ask why men don’t commit, but you were with a man that was not only ready to do so, but was “pushing” (your words) for it. So I’m not sure what “not ready for the commitment level I’m accustomed to” means. If things were just starting off and he’s pushing to make it official, what type of commitment level were you looking for after only knowing him for a few months? Additionally if "his lifestyle and age" caused you trepidation, then why were you "in committed monogamous relationship" with him?
This leads me, and apparently other commenters, to believe that parts of this story are being left out. At any rate, it’s a learning experience and we all take L’s. Mend your broken heart and move on.
The name of this post could have been, "You study long, you study wrong."
I think that's food for thought…for sure…I am wondering your thoughts…I am in a situation where I have recently opened up to dating after a 10yr relationship/5yr marriage to a lying, manipulating, cheating man…
However…what's your take on a flirtatious man? A friend introduced me to a friend of her husband's who is known as a "flirt" by many because of how he talks to women and what he posts of his FB wall.
After just a few weeks of conversing with him…he was already asking me to consider trying to make our friendship serious…he was giving me gifts, etc, contacting me 24/7 and attempting to spend every moment with me…however I still had a wall up and cold-shouldered him by not returning calls, etc…I admit this was not the mature way to handle it, but I have been afraid to open up. I was trying to find other reasons not to date him because I wanted to sabotage it..but
However…it has not been almost 3 months and I feel as if I have blew him off too many times and now he is over it. I realize I have been making new men pay for what my ex did…however…the flirtation seems to worry me…thoughts??
You hurt his feelings by not jumping on the official commitment he was offering you at the moment he offered. After all, he has been programmed to believe that the commitment is what everyone aims for. He never got over that –even if he never told you he had issues with it. Also, he may not trust you and think you're flaky. Lack of trust because he may have believed you wanted to avoid titles so as to avoid any guilt associated with dating other men. Flaky because you were going girlfriend actions but not willing to accept the title.
I don't know how old you are. But in my dating history, I have never figured out a way to tell a dude, "Chill. I like this dating thing the way it is." This never goes well. It's often best just to be the girlfriend. Yes. I said that. And yes, I have been the girlfriend after date 3. But this is because most men don't want to the woman they want to bed or are bedding to be available to anyone else–even through title. And I'm far too lazy to date multiple men at the same damned time.
I know you said you finally want a relationship now im happy for you, and imma let you finish…..but not ready to commit anymore. Not ready to commit.
*reads all comments*
Welp, there you have it!
What happened? YOU happened. Grasp the lessons…do better next time.
See now THIS is harsh lmao
My recent post [EVENTS] First Saturdays #AfterTheMuseum Cinco De Mayo Edition!
Was it?! LOL
My bad. Everybody used all the free fluff so that was all I had, lol…
I didn't even resort to name calling…or pull the "if a dude had done this" card. I thought I was doing good…keepin it short and sweet, LOL! #cantpleaseeveryone
In all fairness, we've ALL gotten in our own way at least once. It happens. *shrugs*
LOL nah Cyn, my dude marc said I was harsh/rough and i said I kept it real. you were even more blunt than me hahahahaa.
P.S. all of SBM knows u in the errrya. Dont front Friday!
My recent post [EVENTS] First Saturdays #AfterTheMuseum Cinco De Mayo Edition!
Yo, I reserved my tix and everythang. Then, a close friend decided to have his bday dinner that same night…he's going through a lot and I can't say no. 🙁
Taking a hour drive to DC around 10ish? Eh, lol. I know how old that makes me seem but…man, Imma be tired! Iono…still debating…
LOL Understood! Still we will be rockin for a minute. You are more than welcome!
I'm laughing my behind off right now…but this is so true.
THe Dont Front on Friday message goes double for you Teflon Mom, #SeeWhatIdidThere? lol
My recent post [EVENTS] First Saturdays #AfterTheMuseum Cinco De Mayo Edition!
Alright I'm at a bit of a loss here. Things just aint adding up to me. The math is wrong.
You were in a committed, monogamous relationship for NINE months but he split once you said "I wanted you to be my boyfriend, let’s do this damn thing". Ummmm….so what the hell were yall doing the first 9 months? Like it baffles me almost to the point of rage when I hear people talking about this "titles/labels" crap. "We don't want to put a label on it". "We are trying to avoid titles". Lose me….NO….lose yourselves with that stupid pseudo-intellectual, "think we so smart" ish. A Title, a Label…..they are no more than words, nouns, to describe the very thing you are. You aren't outsmarting the situation. Its like someone claustrophobic saying, "I dont like being LABELED that. I dont like the title. I just don't like tight, closed off or small spaces. I get anxiety attacks in elevators."
**continued**
Hello….McFly…..your Claustrophobic whether you like the label or not. Its the same for yall. He was you boyfriend for 9 months. You were his girlfriend for 9 months. Whether you like the label or not thats the situation yall were in; a "committed, monogamous relationship". And at the end of these 9 months you come to him saying "Okay now I'm ready for you to be my boyfriend"!?!?! I could imagine he was thinking, "So what the hell have I been doing the last 9 months. And if all that didn't qualify as enough to call me your man then exactly what more are you expecting of me now??"
I agree; I find it weird when people are in a relationship and shy away from the title alone. Call it whatever you want, it's still a relationship.
I don't feel age is necessarily that big of a factor either. There are men younger than 27 who are more than ready to be committed, married and have a family; and there are men over 40 who are single with no kids by choice, and got more game than Parker Bros. Whether a person is ready for a serious & mature grown up relationship or not in part depends on the persons maturity level.
My question to whomever wrote this is what did you expect to happen in 9 mnths with this "psuedo-relationship? It sounds like you foolishly were waiting for this man to grow up and become ready for the commitment level your accustomed to. This did not happen because people make major life decisions on their own time and when they are good and ready…..not when you want them to. That time you spent in a fake relationship did not cause this man to change. Don't ever naively think anything like this will work again.
One other very important thing you did not mention you did was ask him why it was so important to him to put a title on this relationship? Obviously it wasn't that important to you because you dealt with him for 9 mnths and seemed to be content with just being his "friend," even though u acted like a girlfriend. Women always sell themselves short in this situation. I've never allowed a man to call me his "friend," if we were intimate and doing everything under the guise of a serious commited relationship." If we're conducting ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend then thats what we are. Another mistake is assuming he was being monogamous. It's quite possible he was dealing with another woman and/or other women and you never knew it.
You knew from the door this man wasn't ready for the type of committed relationship you wanted, but maybe you stayed with him because he looks good, sex was off tha chain, or whatever the reason, so it is what it is.
I suggest going forward you go with your gut no matter what, and be true to yourself. It seems to me both you and him had a serious case of "wanting what you can't have." When he wanted you, you acted like you didn't want him, when you wanted him and accepted him as your man he didn't want you.
Another thing you should have done is simply talked to him and communicated your feelings and why you felt how you did. You should have told him why you didn't feel ready to call him your man and discussed this with him. I'm curious as to what those reasons were and if they were even justifiable.
I think had you done that, you would not be so distraught, dazed and confused right now. It doesn't surprise me one bit that this man left you the minute you put a title on your relationship.
" I sincerely felt he was not ready for the commitment level I’m accustomed to"
This Sentence alone right here^^^^^^ Speaks Volumes!!!!!
basically she wasn't interested in what HE WAS OFFERING because it wasn't up to her standards whether it was financial/educational/social/career so she kept him on the hook while she continued searching for that Commitment Level that SHE"S ACCUSTOMED TO, but when she couldn't find it, she decided, "what the hell I might as well reel this one in and ride it out" but youngin put 2+2 together and realized he was just a 2nd tier draft pick and not a 1st and he bounced. Can you blame him??!!!!
Exaaaaaactly this!
Ima have to go ahead and agree with this. Much as it pains me. Makes too much damn sense.
AGREED!!!!!!!!
I agree something is off about this entire email, but I still feel bad for her. Even if you were in the wrong, getting dumped isn't fun.
KitKat she wasn't technically dumped……he "wanted" her and she didn't want him, then she "wanted" him and he didn't want her. __Thee End.
Well, whatever it "technically" was, they were dealing with each other for nine months and then he ended it. Even when casual relationships I was in ended, it still hurt, so I still feel for her a bit. That's all.
Yeah I can understand her gettin in her feelings about it…..it's a messed up situation…but you live and hopefully learn.
This…..
This whole post…..
All of these comments….
This….
I'm in the same spot as ol' boy. Dating a young lady for 6 months, no "official" title….
In that time span I've met her mom, sister, grandmother, homegirls, best friend, his wife, and they're child. She's met my cousins and co-workers…..
I got the "I'm not sure I'm ready for this" talk about a month ago…I'm on the verge of staying or going….
So therefore: This.
Welp, you could always send her a link to this article…
The subject line should read, "Don't Let This Happen To You…"
*snickers*
your so bad cyn….lol…..but your so right too…..
@mrbiggsmoove at the end of the day it's all about what you want….I think sometimes when folks ride the fence like this in these situations either they – don't know what they want, or they want it all and wanna have a steady and consistent partner and all the benefits of that, and still enjoy the benefits and freedoms of being technically single since there is no official title on the relationship. The type of relationship where your never introduced as my "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", "man" or "lady" but as my "friend."
It's a reason why folks are purposely vague in these situations, and if you want a commitment and a title then your best bet is to find out why they are vague. If you don't care one way or the other then don't complain, and let it be what it is for as long as it is.
Bottom line is – people do exactly what they want to do, when they want to do it; and they don't do what they don't want to do.
LOL @ "i won't be a n-word" hahahahahaha!