nfl offseason

With NFL training camp right around the corner, it’s time to look ahead to the upcoming season. Before getting into the the predictions and actual analysis of who will do what this year, I want to take a look at the anarchy that has broken out across the country among NFL players. They say “the devil makes work with idle hands.” Apparently those hands are also pouring whiskey and fighting relatives. Let’s take a look at the biggest losers of the NFL offseason.

3. Marshawn Lynch, Seattle Seahawks

Marshawn was arrested recently in Oakland for DUI after swerving all over the 880 highway. Lots of athletes get busted for drunk driving, so that’s not too crazy. Marshawn is the third dumbest athlete of the offseason because he just signed a contract extension with Seattle for $17 million guaranteed. Seattle, knowing that Lynch has had some legal trouble in the past, added a “conduct clause” in the contract that puts Lynch’s money at risk. So instead of getting a taxi/hired driver/designated driver/hotel room or just sitting on a bar stool counting his guaranteed $17 million, Lynch decided to take his chances and now might lose a fortune. #smh.

2. Aaron Berry, Formerly of the (sigh) Detroit Lions

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I’ve mentioned my Detroit Lions fandom in posts before. I’m not sure I’ve ever been more embarrassed to mention this in public…and that includes a 0-16 season!

This offseason, the Lions have had SEVEN arrests as they attempt to become a cross between the Bengals and Portland “Jailblazers” of the early 2000’s. Berry makes this list because he managed to get himself arrested twice in less than 30 days. As is almost customary, Berry was brought in on June 26th for drunk driving, *yawn*. He then outdid himself by pointing a gun at 3 people this weekend. Xbox achievement unlocked.

As stupid as this is, I might practice some old fashioned denial if Berry was actually good. Instead, he was part of a defense that gave up roughly 7362847 yards to Matt Flynn in the last game of last season. Flynn went from a career back up to a $30 million man thanks to Berry and the rest of the Lions.

Aaron, if you’re going to keep getting yourself arrested, try not to play so horribly. Lions management agree with me, and cut Berry on Monday.

1. Dez Bryant, Dallas Cowboys

The worst offender of this offseason, and perhaps any offseason, is definitely Dez Bryant. He wins the award for putting paws (shout out to Lil’ Scrappy) on his own mother. I…I just, couldn’t even imagine that.

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“Angela Bryant, Dez’s mother, accused her son of grabbing her by the shirt and hair, hitting her in the face with his ballcap, striking her repeatedly in the hands and wrists, and pushing her in the chest.”

Read that again. Now call your mother and just tell her you love her.

In case you couldn’t tell, I have very little to add besides calling Dez an idiot. The police recently decided to press charges, and he may be suspended by Commissioner Roger Goodell. Regardless, he will go down in the “Cut Me a Switch” Hall of Fame for people who need their — whooped.

These are my picks for the biggest losers of the offseason. Anything I missed? Who else cost themselves heading into this season? Wasn’t Goodell’s Conduct Policy put in place specifically to stop things like this from happening?