I can’t be mad at Black women when they say that Black men don’t have a clue what they want. It’s hard even getting a straight answer out of a Black man on what he really wants out of a woman. It’s different for each of us. But at a very basic level, what’s on our wishlist? Well, is there even a such thing as a wishlist or do Black men find themselves in a position where we choose a type of relationship over the characteristics desired in that relationship? Let me run that back, are we more likely to want to be married or in a relationship than we are to have our wishlists satisfied? That may explain why some women are left scratching their heads when they see a man settle down into a relationship. Almost to say, “You said you wanted ‘A’ but you ended up with ‘B’? What gives?!”

On Dec 3rd, I’ll be joining an all-male panel in Washington, DC to discuss what’s on a  Black Man’s Wishlist. When it comes to relationships, no man’s wishlist will be the same as another man’s. Some men put “loyalty” at the top of their list, while other men put “good-sex” at the top of theirs. Regardless of how extravagant or simple the wishlist, there are some basics that should be on every man’s.

Last week, I talked about certain questions that couples should be able to answer. Those questions don’t need to be answered on Day 1, but at some point there’s an expiration date on when it’s appropriate not to know the answers. Nonetheless, here’s a short list of the basics of my wishlist or the components that should be present in every man’s wishlist:

  1. Lady in the street, freak in the bed – Any woman thinking that this concept is going anywhere anytime soon is foolish. Any man who is leading women to believe that this is something that we don’t want is just as foolish. Here’s the problem: The majority of the time we don’t necessarily get a freak in the streets, we get someone who acts like a lady in streets, talks like she’s a freak in the sheets, and ends up being a prude in the bed. Keep it real, that’s not going to work at all. High on the wishlist is a woman who carries herself with respect in the public, but earns respect in the dark.
  2. A woman who understands that there is a time and place for everything – One thing I can say that men wish they could echo to women without being attacked is the concept of “Not right now!” You find a lot of men tend to distance themselves from women who always want to push the pace because of personal goals or expectations. These things could be marriage or a family, but men want women who understand the importance of place and timing. The other important component of this part of the wishlist is the prioritization of desires. Does it make sense to undertake tons of debt for a wedding ring and marriage, when the two of us still have a ton of college loans? Are you going to create a headache because of your short term desires at the expense of our long term needs?
  3. A woman who is capable of standing alone, but doesn’t preach being “Miss Independent” – The Honorable Suze Orman teaches us that women shouldn’t put themselves in a position where when men leave them, they’re ass’ed out. I agree with that. I think that everyone should have a little nest egg just in case. No harm, no foul there. I know plenty of married men with “an account my wife doesn’t know about… just in case.” The problem with “Miss Independent” is that sometimes it ends up pushing a man away. Men struggle to find their place in your life and they don’t see the mutuality that is needed to build a long-term relationship. At the same time, we don’t want a woman who is totally dependent on us for everything.
  4. A woman with the stability and maturity to be a mother to my children, but doesn’t lack the spontaneity needed to be my lover – I know too many men who are with women who are not all that entertaining or exciting just because they’d make great mothers for their children. I’m not willing to make that sacrifice. I think there’s a bit of maturity that goes along with wanting to have children with someone or merging families where there may already be children present, but you never want to lose your edge. I never want to date a woman who I love the way she treats my kids, but we can’t sit around and have a couple adult beverages and laugh like we did as young lovers.
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I could have spent a long time talking about looks and body types; but to be honest, I’ll hold steadfast to this point: These four components are more important than looks when I seek a long term relationship. I have dated a dime piece who stressed me out to no end; I’m no longer dating that dime piece. I have dated women who I could kick it with 24/7 and everything was easy-going; and those that I’m not dating, I consider, “the ones who got away.” Listen no man looks back over his dating history and says, “Man that girl was beautiful, she was the one who got away.” They look back at those women who had the intangibles and components on this wishlist and that’s when they say, “Acting like a fool, that’s the one that got away.” That leaves us with a feeling of hoping that another one will come along one day, or at least it gives us reason to keep searching.

I’ll be discussing this Wishlist and other topics as well at the upcoming panel. If you’re in DC on December 3rd, join me for the “Black Man’s Wishlist” event. For tickets and more info go to: www.KrystalGlassEmpire.com

See y’all there!

– Dr. J