why men don't call after a great conversation

*** Admin Note ***
For those who have been around long enough, you might remember a writer that actually went by the name SBM, aka Sean Blackman, aka “The engaged guy.” Well, I’ve been behind the scenes for the last few months as I finished business school, got married, moved to California, and finally started working again. Now that’s done with … back to writing!
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Today, we have a troubled young woman from across the pond. Let’s see what’s amiss …

Hi SBM,

I’m from the UK and came across one of your posts, love your perspective and just couldn’t stop reading post after post, which led me to think you would probably give me some great advice!

So… i often see this guy on the train en route to work in the mornings, i often catch him looking my way, but i get very shy sometimes and end up looking away, when i look at him he does the same! however if he is on the other side of the train, or missed it and remains on the platform we often gaze into each others eyes for long periods and neither one of us will look away.

So one morning i overheard a conversation between him and his friend, his friend asked him why doesnt he talk to me, he replied that its difficult to do that on a busy rush hour train, his friend said she is sitting right here, its not that difficult, he gave another excuse, so i decided to make a move instead, and the next time i saw him i gave him a note with my number on it – he didnt call!

i saw him the following week and he said he had his christmas party that evening and lost it, so we had a nice conversation on the train getting to know each other, then he got off without asking for my number. the same routine happened the next 3 or 4 times i saw him, and i wondered why he hadnt asked for my number, we were both flirty and the conversation was flowing, we looked into each others eyes as we spoke, we laughed at each others jokes were genuinely interested in what the other had to say… i was left confused, but finally on the last day of work before the christmas holiday he asked for my number and i gave it to him. i did expect him to call over the festive period but he didnt, lol (i have to laugh)!!

i saw him during the first week back to work and he came out of his way to speak to me, seemingly happy to see me, and we spoke as we had done before christmas, having a great conversation! so i’m very confused! he does seem quite shy at times but he did ask for my number, the next natural step would be to call (because he didn’t have to ask for my number as we had many a conversation without him asking for it before).

Please clear this one up for me, as i have no idea!

First, I’ll  be answering this question with the American bravo that we are so well-known for.  You may be surprised to know there is more than one logical explanation for his actions. Some are deep dives into the inner workings of the male psyche to unearth schools of thought unknown to most women, but most are simple sh*t.

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So why is he acting like this? Well, maybe …

He’s got a woman

Sometimes a man is … searching. He’s not sure exactly what he wants or needs, but he is going to keep looking until the search is done. Maybe he’s dating someone, maybe he is engaged and thinking about committing forever, or maybe he’s a married man trying to see if he still has it.

Point is, if this is the case, it’s not you. There are a million reasons he started looking at you (you’re cute, you remind him of his girlfriend, he secretly wants to leave her), but it was you who made the first move. Now, he doesn’t know what to do. Flirting with you on the train, that he can justify. Calling you for a date, that will get him cut.

He’s not as interested as you think

Men like attention!

Very few men are hit on by women in any given day. Sometimes, a little extra attention just feels good. Obviously we want some sort of Halle Berry, Rosa Costa, Megan Goode lovechild to be licking her lips at us from across the room, but sometimes that kinda cute “she’s aaaaiiiigggghhhtt” girl giving you the eye will make your day.

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I don’t know what you look like, but, since most women reading this site are gorgeous, I have no reason to think otherwise.  So, let’s just assume he falls into the 3% of men who just don’t like beautiful (they exist). So, while flirting with you was fun, having to actually call you and take you out is another story. You “crossed the line”.

I remember flirting with a girl I knew in school right before graduation in undergrad. As a freshman, I desperately wanted to smash this chic. It was sad, she wasn’t cute but had managed to wow me with stories of her sexual prowness. Now, 4+ years later, and with several more notches under my belt, I actually wouldn’t even take late night oral a kiss. The flirting was fun, made me feel good. As soon as she called me out and wanted her promised date, I made up an excuse about a “girlfriend” (I was the definition of single at the time).  Yeah … I pulled that one for years still feel bad. I know men are thought to be simple creatures looking for sex and … well just sex, but sometimes just seeing the desire in a woman is enough.

Point is, even with everything you two have done so far, a lot of it was initiated by you; so he may not be feeling you as much as he lets on.

He’s … a confused young man

My Best Man in my wedding is one of my best friends, and a lot like me. Among many things we have in common, one was our ability to not call numbers we got. Back in college, we both would go out, drink, party, and get numbers from women — usually several a night. But, oddly enough, less than half of those girls got called. They weren’t ugly, we wanted to see them again, but … we just didn’t care enough.

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As a grown and well-adjusted adult, I can look back and appreciate the craziness of young SBM. It was lazy & short-sighted. Now, I think back to why we did it. Maybe we feared ruining our initial success with a bad call; maybe we were self-involved with work & school; maybe we really just didn’t care about ’em to put in more than one conversation worth of work.

Point is, sometimes guys just don’t call for no good reason …

Regardless of the reason, you probably want some advice on what to do next. A lot of people will tell you to either give up or don’t do anything because the ball is in his court. Well, that’s true. But if you really want something, sometimes you have to put in more work than you should.

I recommend one last go at it. He’s going to come to you to talk again, and you’ll engage him in conversation with your pleasant British accent as you usually do. Before it’s over, mention that you should get tea & crumpets (or a jacket potato, or figgy pudding, or whatever). He’ll respond “yeah, we should.” And you will then pause, look at him judgingly, and then say “we’ll text me … you’ve already got my number … twice.” He’ll laugh and try and play it off, but I bet he reaches out. If he doesn’t, I’ve got a classmate who went over there after school for you. He’ll call.

SBM aka EBM aka MBM aka “That N***” 

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