When you have spent years talking, thinking, and doing relationships … you get asked a lot of questions. A LOT!  Very soon you realize something … most people have the same problems.  Today, we re-visit one of the classics …

Dear SBM,

I recently discovered your website and became an instant fan, I am so appreciative of the feedback from men when it comes to advice on this site. Please let me explain my situation.

I met this guy on a dating website and we really hit it off. We have been dating for a month and a few weeks. It is clear that we are very physically attracted to each other (we have not had sex yet) however the part I find very refreshing is that we are spiritually connected. We are both into being positive and finding wholeness within ourselves. Since we began going out, we have been out every single weekend. He told me that he likes me and is always affectionate when we are out.

We would talk on the phone on a regular basis up until last week. He barely texted or called, I left him alone but finally cracked after 5 days and just sent him a simple text like “how are you?” He responded back very receptive asked how I was and when I responded back I heard nothing else. I am beyond confused. We both stated to each other that we are ready for a long term relationship leading to a potential marriage. I am 32 and he is 38, he has his own business and I get that he can get very busy. However how do you go from consistently talking to barely talking at all? I haven’t brought this up to him because I don’t want to scare him off. So my question is should I delete his number from my phone and count this as a loss? I really like him. I thought he liked me as well. Is there something I missed? Why don’t men understand that this is bothersome! Please help.

Lost Dater

Usually here, I would start digging deep and identifying the unique characteristics of your situation. I would talk about him being 38 and making him more ready for a relationship than your average 20 something. I would talk about the fact that you met him online and the potential impact that had on how things played out. I might have even taken an obscure fact like your use of the word “bothersome” and go on for half a page dissecting it.

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But … not this time.

Being out the game has given me a clearer sense of thinking. As a single man I might have been a little defensive. Anything I talked about got a positive spin because I was badmouthing myself too … I guess. Now, I think I’m a little clearer of thought. Or … maybe it’s just because living in California now and the air downtown is laden with weed smoke … I’m always a little high and don’t know it.

Regardless …

Why do men suddenly disappear when everything seems good and nothing is going wrong?

Honestly … there probably isn’t a good reason.

Yes, maybe you did nothing wrong and your situation was going truly according to plan. This isn’t a male thing. Women do this too. People are fickle … at best.

Luckily, I have some solace for your pain. There are a handful of general reasons, which have nothing to do with you or make sense to you, which might apply. Basically, there are a couple reasons a guy (or woman) would just disappear in the middle of a good thing. Here are some.

Got Scared

I’ve always been surprised at how many people leave a good thing just because “it’s weird” and seems “too good”. People aren’t always as strong or bold as we expect. Maybe something about where things were going, or the thought of having to rely on someone else for something was too much.

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Got busy

Sometime, things just start coming up in a person’s life. The effort and energy to have a relationship is just too much. Basically, they decide to be smart and cut the unnecessary thing in their life. We all feel like we are owed a “break-up” and explanation, but we aren’t.  Sometimes they need to do what’s best for them.

He Stopped Feeling You and Didn’t Feel Like Telling You

As I said, no one owes us anything. He might have figured out for himself it wasn’t going to work and decided to end it. Why didn’t he tell you? As I said, he doesn’t owe you an explanation. And really, is it better for him to disappear or for him to hurt your feelings.


In conclusion, it happens. Start asking how to let it go and get over it and spend your effort looking for the next person.

SBM aka Nothing Surprises Me aka Cali-Living

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