sexuality of black women

So you’re saying you don’t do that?

Yesterday morning when I checked my twitter timeline I expected to see one of two things. 1) Sports talk about how the Miami Heat staved off elimination with a thrilling overtime win against the San Antonio Spurs and 2) hip-hop discussions surrounding J. Cole, Kanye West and/or Jay-Z. Instead I was greeted with discussions of how some woman (I didn’t look up who she was) wouldn’t mind or wanted to participate in a threesome with two men. I have no idea why people feel the need to share such intimate details of their sex lives on social media. The conversation on my timeline quickly turned from the desires of one woman to an undeserved critique of the sexuality of black women in general.

It seems like Black women can’t win sometimes. It seems like no man wants to be with a virgin but she can’t have more than two lifetime partners but she has to be able to do [adult film] star type tricks, but she can’t really because that’s not becoming of a Black man’s queen. For a long time (too long), black women have often been seen as hypersexualized beings. The only difference between Black men and women is that not only are Black women seen this way outside of our race but Black men buy into the notion that a woman being willing to explore her sexuality is a bad thing.

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Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion but once you express your opinion in a public forum others have the right to agree or dissent from that opinion. I see it everyday via social media. When it concerns Black women I think that Black men should be a championing force. Instead we [men] buy into peer pressure and heave impossible expectations onto the shoulders of women. Some men may be trolling for the sake of trolling, but I’ve had enough real life conversations to come to the conclusion that a lot of men actually believe the nonsense I see on a day-to-day basis. What do I see? Glad you asked.

“I’d never wife a woman who would let me do every nasty sexual thing I desired.”

Really? So you’d share all your personal intimate sexual desires with a woman that you have no intentions of being with outside of a getting a nut, but you’ll keep the woman that you care deeply about in the dark? Where’s the logic in that? You don’t want to look the future potential mother of children in the eyes after you [retracted] while she was [retracted] in the Macy’s dressing room. While you don’t want do all those nasty things to your queen, I guarantee your queen is having fantasies about someone who’s man enough to do all those nasty things to her. Now who really lost?

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“Women who sleep with more than ___ men are hoes.”

Now I’m no expert, but in heterosexual coupling you need at least one man and one woman. Its cool for a man to sleep with as many women as he wants but a woman must remain chaste. Last week some dude found it within himself to tell all of twitter that he slept with more than 200 women as if that was something to be proud of. What that did was speak more to the contradictory standard between men and women when it comes to sexuality. I once had a conversation with a man who told me that he couldn’t take a woman seriously if he knew she had been with more than three men before him. This same man took home more than twice that number of women from the club. Lofty expectations and projections once again.

“Black women are prudes and they won’t do what I like in the bedroom.”

This one confuses me. First you want a woman who is chaste but on the other hand you want a woman to satisfy your every sexual urge. Most men I know who take this stance are really looking for an excuse to dip outside of their race. I’ve never slept with a woman outside of my race and yet I’ve never had a sexual urge go unfulfilled. If you want to date outside your race then do that. There’s no reason to make excuses for liking what you like.

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In a perfect world, Black men and Black women would be held to equal standards when it comes to sexuality but I know we live in a (very) flawed world. What I see on a day-to-day basis speaks to the immaturity and naiveté of people who come up with such derogatory and misogynistic topics on social media.

What do you think of the impossible expectations that are placed on black women in media?

 Tunde