Hanks and Wilson

Welcome to mid-July, a Sports No Man’s Land when there is no Olympics or World Cup to save us. Feels like we’re on that island with Tom Hanks trying to make it to football season with only crappy sports options on TV. Hanks had a volleyball; we have regular season baseball and summer league basketball.

Look, I’m a sports fanatic and I have trouble during these lean times. Almost makes me want to turn my TV off completely…almost.

While most of the sports options are merely boring, some are so terrible they deserve special mention. For example:

The Home Run Derby –

Old Guy Sleeping in StadiumWhich I trick myself into caring about every year around this time. What’s not to like? Home runs are cool, and this is a contest of who can hit the most of them. That’s great, except that every contest features about a thousand times more crap that’s not home runs than that you want to see. Here’s a typical Home Run Derby at bat:

Ground ball

Pop Up

Takes a pitch without swinging

Takes a pitch without swinging

Deep fly ball, accompanied by Chris Berman’s “back, back, back, back, back…”

Repeat five times.

What’s fun about that? Maaaaaaaybe I could get past this if the derby didn’t last over three hours. That’s longer than an NBA game! No thanks.

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NFL and NBA Teams winning the offseason –

Which has only worked once in the history of sports (thanks to LeBron James). I’m sure there was a wrestling team in Ancient Greece that recruited some phenom from Crete, had everybody saying they’d win the Mt. Olympus Cup or whatever, only to have things blow up in their face. RedskinsOffseasonChamps

Having grown up in Virginia Beach, VA, I know this all too well. Since the state has no professional teams, we adopt others. No team is followed more fanatically in Virginia than the Washington Redskins aka “The Team with the Most Racist Name Ever” Kings of the Offseason.” You could count on a smiling picture of Top Free Agent X at a press conference every year in DC. Then you could count on the team going 5-11.

How many “Dream Teams” do we have to crown every season? How many analysts have to be wrong before somebody holds them accountable? We have the Internet now. This shouldn’t be hard at all. Wait, you’re saying I wrote this last year?

Moving on.

ESPN trying to pretend this isn’t a dry time in sports –

I get it. They have a job to do. But it’s not like we don’t notice all their most popular personalities taking vacation around this time. That’s because the chances of news happening are slim to none. Look at the topic of this post for God’s sake!

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ESPN is a network dedicated to sports, so it makes sense they’d be hit the hardest. HOWEVER, last year’s Tebowmania was unforgiveable. Never have more words been spoken about a player who contributed less. This year I’m taking an ESPN diet. I watch First Take in 30-second segments because it’s on in the kitchen at my job. Last I saw, they were discussing the stupidest question I’ve heard in a while.

Please tweet me when stuff happens and the network is worth watching again.

That’s what I least look forward to every summer in sports. What’s on your list? For my fellow sports junkies, how do you get through? Found any new hobbies? Put me on in the comments below!