singe-large

The internet is not at all short of posts about why you or anyone else is single. It’s actually a ploy to try and get you to keep reading blogs, online magazines, or however any of these sites wants to classify themselves. Let me be the first to tell you, most of those articles are full of shit. They are like negative horoscopes that are so open-ended that it could apply to anyone. Have you ever read a horoscope in the paper and really didn’t know how it applied to you? They always are hedged perfectly;

“Libra – Today is going to be one in which you’ll seek much clarity for something that’s been on your mind. Some will be willing to help you and others will not. Deciphering between those two groups will help you find the answer to what’s been on your mind.”

And then you’re like… what in the hell does that mean? That’s exactly what those depressing relationship blogs about why you’re single sound like!

That’s why this post won’t be that way.

Here are 10 (or so) harsh realities about what separates the hopeless from the hopeful:

  1. Ugly people typically don’t get married or dated. While it would be easy to say fat people fall into this category too, it’s actually not fat people, it’s sloppy people.
  2. People with screwed up views on dating are typically single.
  3. Those who sweat the minutiae of courting, dating or whatever else you want to call it are almost always single and looking… their ad is on the second to last page of the newspaper.
  4. If you’re convinced that you’re going to find someone who’s going to love you for you, kill yourself now.
  5. After a while, you have to accept that you’ll have to date someone in your league. (This means, if you’re a hoe, just admit to being a hoe and start dating other hoes.)
  6. Men and women who refuse to believe that gender dynamics exist and aren’t going anywhere anytime soon should line up single file in the unmarried line and start collecting benefits.
  7. Everybody has a closet, everybody keeps baggage in that closet, some of that baggage you can never get rid of and nobody will ever want to deal with. Deal with it.
  8. If you ever feel like you’re teetering on the line of hopeless, start making some concessions.
  9. At 30, don’t overreact. At 35, buy cats. At 40, be the best aunt or uncle you can be and cut it out. Remember THIS guy hit the lotto at 80, but I bet you he wasn’t waiting around it.
  10. If you have a long list of shit you won’t do, everyone else has a long list of why they won’t do… you.
  11. Nobody cares about your daddy issues. Whether he was there and made you feel like a princess or wasn’t there and made you feel unwanted, nobody cares. Which also means fellas nobody cares about your mommy issues. If you’re a momma’s boy own it and work on it; nobody is trying to be your second momma.
  12. All goals are not created equal; some of them need to be classified as hopes and dreams. If you want to have a great career, excellent lifestyle, marriage and family come to grips with the fact that you need to rank that list from most to least important.
See Also:  Five Unimportant But Important Things Men and Women Look For In Each Other

Now pause for effect…

GOD_HATES_US_ALL_by_HATEPhilosophy

I know what you’re thinking, I agree, God hates us all. I guess the real takeaway here is that the majority of us are doomed. That’s just in line with statistics. Roughly 50% of us will never get married and the other 50% who do get married, roughly 50% of them will get divorced. I think I found a solution. Instead of dating or wasting our time in relationships, let’s just all focus on other things like ourselves and the pursuit of wealth and achievements. Wealth and achievements actually do make you happy contrary to what they always told us and not having to share any of it with someone else is probably the best way to go.

I propose a toast.

May your glasses never run empty (because you don’t have to worry about sharing it with anyone), may you be free of stress and strife (because you won’t have to argue with anyone or worry about their wants/needs/desires), and may you live a long life and prosper (because if you haven’t figured out the leading cause of death in women is men, and the leading cause of death in men is stress and heart problems, I wonder where that comes from).

Cheers.