You’ve just finished engaging in coital activity for the last five to twenty minutes (maybe longer, dare to be different) and as both of you are staring at the ceiling fans while the sunlight comes through the blinds you wonder what to say. You can say something real romantic or you can say something real dumb. It probably depends a lot on what you want to come out of the situation. You may want round 2, you may want to just roll over to sleep, or you may want to the person to get the hell out as soon as possible. (We could write a dissertation on trying to get someone to leave after sex and they insist on sticking around.) Whether man or woman, we are both faced with finding those words. Well, whatever you do you don’t want to say the following…

  1. “What are you bout to do?” – The classic response. This is the nicest possible way of asking someone to leave without actually saying it. However, it’s so cliché that as soon as you say the other person feels like crap.
  2. “Do you want my number?” – This goes to show you that a lot of people engage in one night stands that can possibly grow into something much more later. I do feel some type of way about having sex with someone before you have their phone number.
  3. “I can’t find the condom.” – Uh oh. “Better use that latex because you don’t want that late text, you know that, I think I’m late … text.”
  4. “What are we going to tell them if they ask?” – You ever been sleeping with someone you know you ain’t have no business sleeping with and you know nobody can find out this went down? Yeah, me neither.
  5. “That was ten times better than my ex!” – Nobody wants to think about your ex at this time. Although you think this is a compliment, it’s a constant reminder that someone else was there before.
  6. “You have to go before my husband (or wife) gets home.” – If it’s one thing I’ve learned in 2013, it’s that people break vows like everyday, b.
  7. “You can sleep a little longer; I have to go to work. There’s a spare under the doormat.” – People are just way too trustworthy with people these days. While I think it’s important that you trust and respect those that you’ll have sex with; don’t be giving up the keys to the kingdom after a few minutes of sexual contact. This how you come home and all your stuff be missing.
  8. “You’re still here?” – If the person stays around, it’s usually because they really like you. Here you go hurting their feelings by asking them why they’ve decided to hang around for brunch or lunch. Be nice, just ask them “what are you bout to do?”
  9. “I was really drunk last night.” – This takes the biggest hero and turns them into the smallest zero. This is humbling for anyone who experiences this. Immediately once you hear this you can slide that encounter into the “doesn’t count” category.
  10. “I kind of need to tell you something.” – People don’t preface shit except bad news. And if they say “kind of” or “think” when revealing they need to tell you something it’s usually a sign of something to come that you really don’t want to hear.
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Drink and party responsibly.

What are something you never want to hear when the sex is over? Or what’s some things you’ve heard in the past that really pissed you off? But moreover, how else do you get the message across without just being blunt at times? I’m from the, somebody’s feelings is going to be hurt so let me make sure it’s not mine, school of thought.

– Dr. J