when should you break up

I was once in a relationship where it was nearly impossible to continue, but still I couldn’t get myself to leave.  We had broken up a couple of times before, but it was never final. Whenever we broke up, we would eventually get back together. I still felt like I loved this girl and still had hope that perhaps this relationship has a future. But boy was I wrong.

I realized I was looking at the relationship from a completely different perspective. If I try to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship, I can always put the fact that I love her above all the bad things of the relationship.

With a little research, I came across a book entitled “Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.” It resonated with my situation perfectly. Mira, uses a diagnostic approach to deciding whether or not you should stay in a relationship. You answer a few questions and you realize yourself whether or not you should breakup.

Although, this article is not as detailed as the book, here are a few questions that helped me in my decision and I think most people can relate to.

1. Was The Relationship Ever Truly Great?

If your relationship never felt great, then it probably never will in the future. I realized I was never truly happy in the relationship. I was just hoping things would get better. But again, I was wrong.

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2. Do you have communication issues?

It’s one thing to have communication problems. It’s an entirely different thing when your partner does not want to work on the communication issues. For me, we had a lot of issues because of misunderstanding and miscommunication. I was willing to work on my communication problem. But you can’t solve a communication problem in a relationship unless both partners decide to work on it.

3. Do they have a complete lack of desire or capability to change?

I do believe that you should accept your partner for who they are. But there are some things that you just can’t accept. It could be their smoking habit, or something serious like a drug or alcohol addiction. If they’ve tried multiple times and failed, or they just don’t have the desire to make any changes in their lives, then it’s best to just leave the relationship and don’t look back.

4. Did your partner hit you more than once?

Although this point doesn’t relate to me, I thought it was an important one to include in the list. If your partner laid hands on you then it’s quite obvious you should leave. But I know a lot of cases where people continue to stay in an abusive relationship. Everyone is allowed one mistake. However, if they hit you more than once, then you know that it’s only going to get worse and its better to breakup.

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5. Is your self-esteem lower than before?

Relationships are supposed to help you nurture and grow in your life. However, a bad relationship actually drains you out and takes a toll on your self-esteem. If you find yourself less confident before and think your self-esteem is worse than it was, then you can rest assured that this relationship is not good for you. You must breakup, as soon as possible. This point really hit home with me, because I did find myself drained and less confident than before.

In the end, I chose to breakup. This time, we didn’t reconcile. She did try to get me to come back but I was determined. Now that I look back, making the decision was the hardest part for me. Sticking to it was much easier than I thought it would be.

K Thompson writes about breakups and reconciliation. He has been helping people with breakups for the past two years. You can follow him on facebook or twitter.