There was a ton of stuff I wanted to talk about this week; don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere soon. I’ll get around to it pretty soon. Faced with the decision to do a post on why I don’t think watching adult entertainment is a bad thing, that poor white-Asian girl in the yoga class that y’all Black women want dead, or a recent article that talks about why relationships have never been better yet we keep acting like they’re in dire need of repair, I chose to write about background searches on potential dating partners. I had to be a man of my word and since I’ve told a few people who read SBM that I would tackle this topic, I figured I’d get it out of the way. (Plus, we are so OVER this yoga shit, please do not comment about it in the comment section.)

I’ll be brief.

The topic of google’ing or doing a background search on a potential dating partner is quite frankly ridiculous. I mean, it’s 2014 and I know technology is prevalent but we have to keep some things sacred and that’s privacy and courting. Moreover, it speaks to the type of person you date, have dated or would like to date when you have to Google them to see if anything pops up. Is it too hard for you to find out about person the old fashioned way, you know, like face to face? Maybe it is because more and more people are doing this and not even having any shame in their game. It’s disgusting, it’s ugly and it’s foul. In the words of my line brother, it is a hot ass mess.

There’s a few things that I want to point out about this but before I do I want to preface it by saying, I’m very well aware that this post will not change anyone’s mind about snooping on someone’s background. (Didn’t expect me to call it that did you? But that is exactly what it is.) At this point, you’re already set in your ways and the only way you’ll stop is… well let’s get to that later.

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Remember this tid piece of information I used to say often and it has now become my favorite quote: “People’s suspicions are deeply rooted in what they would do in similar situations.” Basically what this means as it pertains to background checks, the reason your most likely to do a background search is because you know that you have skeletons in your closet that you don’t want people to find out and you think that it’s possible the person you’re dating does as well. Even if you don’t, you are saying that if you did have something to hide like a marriage, criminal record, or financial hardships you would hide it.

What’s worse than the fact that by doing this you reveal that you have shady tendencies or urges is… WHERE ARE YOU MEETING MEN AT THAT YOU THINK YOU NEED TO DO A BACKGROUND SEARCH? Also, I tell people this next part all the time, WHAT HAVE YOU AND YOUR VAGINA BEEN THROUGH IN THE PAST WHERE YOU HAVE A TENDENCY TO PUT THINGS IN IT THAT SHOULDN’T BE TRUSTED? I saw a woman comment last week that she did a background search on a guy and it turned out he had been involved in a quadruple murder. My first thought was, “where did you meet this guy at?” I mean if you’re hanging out at a body shop and there are no cars there, just a bunch of Black men with tattoos; you’re going to meet a few felons. But in all seriousness, a lot of this epidemic is coming from the way people are meeting people. They are meeting people at random and they deploy this logic as if it makes sense:

“I just want to meet a guy who is not in my network or circle. A guy who doesn’t know my friends and someone who we don’t have any mutual friends because I’m tired of having people in my business.”

Well isn’t that the smartest thing you’ve ever thought of in your life, NOT. Why would you date someone with whom you know nothing about? Not even a mutual friend to confirm that he’s actually giving you a real name and not Carlos Danger or Ron Mexico. Would you take a job at a company that NOBODY has ever heard of before? No, but you would take a chance with a man who NOBODY has heard of before, makes sense.

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And yes, I am aware that there is always a wolf in sheep clothing lurking around. That not everyone who is bad is hanging around a shady place and very well could be in an affluent area of town, making good money and seem to be a great man. However, when I think of all the times someone has told me that upon completing a background search they found out a crazy past that ended the arrangement, I can count two or three times and I have a ton of female friends. Therefore, if you have had a crazy experience with a guy that surfaced after a background investigation was completed, let’s call it what it is…

an exception.

There’s a reason they have to travel all around the country to find people who have been catfished; IT DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT OFTEN! I only know two people who have been catfished, 1) was an idiot girl who when she told me about I didn’t even felt bad, she still dates on Blackplanet, 2) is a guy who used to write on this blog a while back, if you’ve been around, you know who it is. (We still ain’t found that chick.)

I’m getting ready to close. Last but not least you can go online and see how many times a certain keyword has been searched lately, you can also sign up to have an alert sent to you every time someone tries to check your credit. Put a pin in that. You can also go around to all of those sites that provide criminal and marriage records and pay to have your name removed from their registry. In a sense, the only person you are going to find a shady past about is an idiot. You shouldn’t need a background search to find out the person you’re dating is an idiot. Also, if I found out that someone tried to search my background, I would break up with them on sight. It would be so bad because I actually have a clean background and think I’m a pretty nice guy.

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That’s the biggest flaw in all of this, what happens if you are actually dating a guy who is really nice and he finds out you did that and breaks up with you? Because if you didn’t know by now, that’s what’s going to happen.

Girl: How’s he going to find out that I Google’ed him?

Answer: You’re going to tell him.

And here’s why, what’s the definition of cheating? Anything you wouldn’t want your significant other to find out about. What you mean to tell me is that your misconstrued mind has found that it is perfectly okay to snoop through someone’s personal life and not tell them you did it and that’s perfectly normal. Jesus take the wheel! If you feel comfortable enough doing the search, then have the courage to ask if you can do it so a guy or girl can tell you to your face, “You’re crazy. Don’t bother, I’m out.”

In closing, seriously cut this nonsense with google’ing people out. You’re only yielding marginal returns from it. (For those of you who aren’t following that means you aren’t getting much out of it.) Yes, you may find a shady past every now and then but try your best not to live in a world where you suspect that there’s a shady person trying to trick you. People who fret usually end up experiencing the dangers they hope to avoid. Sit down, have a face to face conversation and get to know someone. If you still don’t trust them after that, they’re not the person for you. And for the love of God, if you and your vagina have been having problems with who and who not to trust, stop dating and seek medical attention. We don’t have time for anymore bad vag politics in 2014.