black man dating

Dear SBM,

I’m a SBF in my 30s no kids, sweet spirited, pretty face with an overweight but still shapely frame. I have never really had this problem until the past 5 years but it seems every man I meet has been brazen & bold enough to ask me for money, usually within less than 3 months of knowing me. It’s appalling really and an immediate turn off.

I have been blessed enough in life to have only needed to borrow money from my mother and that was only a couple hundred bucks in my 20s. Since then I’ve been in the position to take care of her, which I have no problem doing. But I refuse to take care of a man.

Rephrase that…I refuse to take care of a man who hasn’t been ‘MY’ man for a couple years and who hasn’t shown me any sign of self sufficiency & financial stability. I know people go through hard times but it seems completely desperate & ridiculous for a man to ask a woman who he barely knows for cash.

Is this the state that the black dating scene has come to? I’m sure not only black men do this but I’ve only experienced this from black men. Have they no pride, no shame, no social skills?  One guy had the gall to say that other women who make more money than their men (like J-Lo) don’t have problems giving their man weekly ‘allowances’. The f*ck!

Do they assume because of my age or my single status or my weight that I am in such a desperate state of ‘gotta have a man’ that I would hand over cash that readily?

I think your issue may be one of two things: Either you’re giving off a vibe which lets these guys know you’re gullible, or you are dating wack dudes.

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Is It You?

From your opening paragraph, you basically describe yourself as a catch who still seems to have men attempt to take advantage of you. Looks come into play, but I’ve seen model-type women get abused and swindled the same way as women “less desirable” do. So to me, it’s what you project upon those men that make me wonder why they feel so comfortable asking you for money. Are you overly affectionate with them upon your initial dealings? Do you give a lot of yourself early and often? Do you say or do things that trigger in these men that you can be played? I would go back and seriously ask yourself these questions and see what you discover. Ask real close friends that won’t give you PC answers too. Sometimes we need real talk to show us the light.

Is It Them?

If after you perform that self-review, you determine that the problem isn’t primarily you, then you have to look at the types of dudes you’re dating. Where are you finding these men that appear to be broke and not worth a damn?! A change in your hunting grounds for men may be in order. If your friends are introducing you to them, disown them (not really). Seriously, you have to increase the quality of dudes that you are dating.

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Finally, I take exception to your inference that black men primarily ask women for money when dating (although you state it’s “your experience”). Let’s not label an entire race of men for your troubles. How do you know that only black men can/will do this to you when you don’t state whether or not you date outside your race? If you are only dating black men and they are all doing this to you, then maybe you should expand your dating pool? If it continues to happen, then what?

Who you attract has a lot to do with how you present yourself physically and your personality. In closing, this may be a combination of how you market yourself to men, coupled with a lackluster dating pool. Reassess yourself, and these men, and determine the best course of action.

SBMFam, what do you think? Is it her? Is it Them? OR both?! Let’s help her out!