****** Admin Note ******
I’m off in Toronto enjoying Caribana, and while I promise to tweet my vacation away, as long as tmobile doesn’t hit me for roaming so I have brought you another guest post from my favorite female guest blogger … Lisa Marie.  Enjoy.

– SBM
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I thought I’d write about what I like to refer as the “You are not the father” test … not to be confused with the main reason Maury still gets ratings the DNA test given to determine which one of a ho’s woman’s jump-offs previous suitors fathered her poor bastard new bundle of joy.  Rather this test refers to the exam which women give to their significant others to see if they will make good husbands (hopefully this will come first) and eventually fathers.  Basically it’s an assessment of a man’s lifestyle, beliefs, credit score, actions, etc. that’s given in order to determine how good a husband and daddy he’ll be….every woman should have one…this is mine…I humbly submit to you the top three questions  of:

Lisa Marie’s “Are You the Father?” Test

Question #1: What is your religion?

Correct Answer:  Christian. Praise Jesus!

Wrong Answer:  Anything else …

Dated a Muslim once … attractive, smart, rolling in the dough successful, driven … basically held a lot of the standard qualities that most women are looking for.  However, although initially I thought we could make it work, I eventually had to end it due to religious differences and cuz he got on my damn nerves …I mean a) how can we support each other on the spiritual front if we don’t worship the same? and b) how can we raise children to honor and follow two different religions? I mean the Mosque one weekend, the Church the next?  They would get confused…and I just can’t do that to my future babies…plus I love bacon too much.

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Question #2: When was the last time you cried?

Correct Answer:  “uh…idk…I think it was 5 years ago when my grandma died“

Wrong Answer:  “*voice breaking* … Yesterday … *sob* … when I looked at the sunset and realized how beautiful creation was … I just started balling.”

Sigh … if there is one thing Lisa Marie does not like, it’s an overly sensitive man.  He gets my “you are not the father” stamp because a) how can you help me change diapers if you’re constantly weeping over how cute the baby is? and b) I don’t wanna raise no super sensitive children…like it or not, the world is tough and I want to teach my future munchkins to be able to handle it head-on with strength … this seems like it would be harder to do if their daddy is breaking down over every little thing … as a woman who was raised with two brothers and a military father, I don’t even like it when I cry … so to have my man cry unnecessarily is a no-no.  Please note that I said unnecessarily … if my man were to cry over something warranted … extreme pain, death in family, loss of job, spiritual distress, etc, then I welcome his tears and would be there to comfort him … truth be told, I find it pretty dang sexy when a man, who is otherwise strong, really lets me in and shows his emotions and trusts me to see him cry … but only if it’s warranted … otherwise man up dude!

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Question #3: Where do you live?

Correct Answer:  Either “In my condo/apartment” or “In my dorm room (grad school only…I’m a bit of a cougar (a year and half tops), but undergrad is taking it to far)

Wrong Answer:  “With my momma … I got the basement all to myself though”

Favorite Aunt tried to hook me up with a dude once … really into Church, kinda attractive, funny, smart, studying to be a doctor … lived at home with his momma…had to end it.  Call me discriminatory, but really do not like the idea of a grown ass man still living at home with his mother…after graduation, you have 1 year to move out. After that, you are officially within the Scrub category, so dang it, unless ur momma is sick, you need to move out and get ur own place!  Dudes in the Scrub category fall into my “you are not the father” bin cuz I need a man who’s financially independent and knows how to manage real bills on his own without his parents’ help… how can I expect him to help me with a baby when he can’t even take care of himself on his own?

Now…I’ve heard from a couple of my male friends (haters) that conducting this assessment is jumping the gun and unnecessary until you’re actually about to walking down the aisle or rolling into the delivery room. To them I say “sigh … such ignorant … so sad,” for they don’t seem to know that the “wait and see” method has historically been disastrous. Why would I wait to find out if somebody’s gonna be a good husband and father, until I’m already locked in with a ring or picking out cribs?  I wanna know as early as possible so I can bring the relationship to a close if I don’t see a long term future with you and/or can’t see myself one day raising kids with you.

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What about y’all, do you think assessing an SO or potential SO in this way is overkill? If so, when is the appropriate time? If not, what’s on your list? Agree on my list? Need some modifications, or the same as your? Guys … am I being fair?