On my personal blog, I like to give accounts of different events in my life. For example, my Globetrotter Confessions series documents the crazy things that happen to my friends and I both out of state and abroad. I’ve decided to give similar accounts of my partying experiences (clubs, house parties, etc) to give people, whether you’re from NYC or elsewhere, an opportunity to see the humor in my own situations. This opening chapter will focus on a club phenomenon I like to call the Designated Boyfriend.

So I’m in the club last Saturday with a bunch of people celebrating birthdays. I’m chillin at the bar with a bunch of my homegirls (all of whom are attractive). I’m trying to get a drink and post up, when one of my homegirls pulls me to her side and starts looking at me, rubbing my arm and chest. Now, these are all FRIENDS whom I’ve had NO relations with of ANY kind. That doesn’t mean thoughts don’t go through a brother’s head though. So in my mind I’m cycling through all the possibilities: “Is she drunk? What does this mean? Why is she being so forward? She’s definitely drunk….but should I rock with it? Jamie Foxx already gave me an alibi…this could work…hmmm… No NO we gotta use logic!! Damnit! Just ask her what’s good”.  So I being to open my mouth to speak when I glance over and see why I got the pull over. Some 40+ Indian dude was kicking that Mumbai pimp talk and she needed me to play Mariano Rivera. I realized and thought to myself “Sorry you perv, your fantasies aren’t fulfilled. You have become the designated boyfriend”.

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Fellas, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Let’s say you hit the club with a few female friends. A dude, whom one of your attractive female friends have deemed “undesirable” tries to kick it to her. She needs the save, so she tells the other dude she has a boyfriend. When dudes challenge this boyfriend theory, she pulls you to the side to confirm her words. No matter how confused you look, it usually works out that dude will get the message and walk on by. I swear this happens to me once a month, and gets more hilarious by the moment. While I have no problem helping out a friend in need, the designated boyfriend move can pose some problems for the designated individual (me).

Retaliation by the Undesirables

So now you pull me over with the claim that I’m your boo. Dude looks at me, smirks as if in his head he says “Fcuk this Ray-J lookin @ss nikka, he aint sh*t!” and walks away. What if dude is drunk and wants to “show you he’s a BAWSE”. He won’t bother YOU. I’ve made a new enemy without even trying. While I laugh every time this happens to the other dude, I watch my back. Hate is a helluva drug.

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The homegirl pulls me into her situation without a proper debrief. If I’m not hyper aware that she needs a save, I may just say “stop playing” and walk away, thus crushing her save attempt. Ladies, if your going to pull a Designated Boyfriend (DB) move on a dude, at least when you pull them, let them know immediately that you need the save so he can react accordingly. The confused look is NOT what’s hot in the streetz!

The Inadvertent C*ck Block

When my female friends need that Designated Boyfriend(DB), they will come grab you at a moment’s notice, irrespective of what you do. So if I’m in the club conversating conversing with a young lady and  my friend pull the DB move just when I’m about to  seal the deal, I officially become the “grimy dude trying to holla when I have a girlfriend” which may work to my advantage sometimes, but that’s another blog. It takes too much too explain, and automatically turns into a “Shorty Holla FAIL”. What do my female friends say to this? Either “You weren’t trying to kick it to anyone right? *LOL :-)*” or “It’s not like you aint gonna holla at 7 more chicks so its whatever. She aint cute anyway.” We cool and all, but if you won’t substitute yourself in her place, or offer an appropriate CP3 inspired alley-oop to a female of equal or greater value, then this type of collateral damage is unacceptable!

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This brought a smile to my face writing this, as situations like these at parties leave room for many future stories and clowning sessions on my friends who dub me the designated boyfriend. Fellas has this happened to you? Ladies, when have you needed the save badly and had to pull a male friend for assistance? Fellas have you used the Designated Girlfriend maneuver? Let me know!

– Streetz