One good thing about Single Black Male is that our cast of writers have the ability to think outside the box. We present age old arguments and dilemmas in a fresh and updated light for our readers, in order to adjust and relate to current times. I’m heavily influenced by sports, literature, pop culture, and other aspects of society, and love to showcase said influences in my articles. I love comics and anime, and my favorite superhero Spider-Man and his mythos has inspired a certain culture of accountability and realism. Over the next few weeks, I will showcase different aspects of his mythos and teachings (as fictitious stories serve as allegory’s to society culture) in order to better convey my message.
Spider-Man has probably the most famous teaching of any comic book hero. A phrase that I would put money on that at least 80% of all Americans have heard in some way, shape or form even if you don’t know from where it originated. The saying was actually a teaching from Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben Parker:
“With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility“
To geek out for a second: This teaching by Peter’s uncle became even more poignant when Spider-Man let a crook get away that ended up killing Uncle Ben. At that moment, Spider-Man realized that he had a responsibility to utilize his abilities to help others and make a difference. To use these powers for evil or not at all would be irresponsible. This teaching shapes Spider-Man to be the paragon of justice that we know today.
Where am I going with this? Glad you asked. Men and women must adhere to these same principles in dating and relationships.
Exes
I know when I have power over an ex. I know what words to say, actions to perform, or situations to create, in order to manipulate former lovers to my hearts desire. It’s no secret that even if things ended horribly, there’s usually one party that can exude power and control over another. We have to show restraint and avoid making someones life miserable for our own personal gain. It’s always funny when I hear dudes or women talk about “I can get him/her back if I tried.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard this slogan I’d go to Jacob with 25 thou be rich. Some people even purposely interfere in their exes new relationships just because they can! You have to show restraint.Things ended for a reason and its time to move forward. Karma is a whore too and you’ll end up f*cked somehow!
Trickin
Whether the individuals got it or not, we must refrain from having some poor soul blow their entire bank account at our own convenience. Women, to have some poor simp spend his 1/15 paycheck on some LouBoutins is just wrong. Men, to have a woman cooking, cleaning, and wifing the game out with no real reciprocation and false expectations is a recipe for disaster. There should be some type of quid pro quo standard where its not a one way street. You don’t want the individual to develop a resentment towards you, because any troubles you experience from there will be on you.
Leading Individuals on AKA the #Swindle
Most of the time, we are excellent judges of character, or know someone who can tell a smart individual from the naive. You may have a certain phrase or situation to bring up that will compel an individual to do as you please. You may also use that bomb head you give, that special trick betwixt the sheets, or even your famous back rub, to emotionally control the target of your swindle. I know it may seem right in certain circumstances, but you will more than likely end up hurting someone you care about, or incur the wrath of a lovestruck and scorned individual.
So there you have it. Some of the ways we can use those irresistible qualities we possess for ingenuous purposes. I wanted to point this out because Men and Women bring unnecessary problems upon themselves by denying certain concrete truths. We think that by getting our way we’ll be straight but you bring emotional factors into this situation for which you will be held accountable. Just understand that whether you are rich, handsome/beautiful, in a position of power, or have any other appealing characteristic, that you have an inherent responsibility to stay humble and use those qualities wisely. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and while in some cases (jobs, hookups, etc) it is necessary, you have to use proper judgement with matters of the heart.
Do you guys know any other situations where using your God given talents in an abusive manner can do more hurt than help? Am I just bitchin? Let me know, I don’t bite 🙂
Good post my brother.
So as far as the #swindle goes, I'm in a situation where I think that is happening right now. Apparently <del>b/c my ya ya sisterhood told me</del>, I'm leading him on & I CLEARLY don't mean to. I don't want him, I just want to be friends, but somehow he's taking my signals the wrong way and I don't know how to correct it. I feel like he may be ignoring the yellow flashing street sign and punching it like it's all green… *sigh* my life.
You need to be clear then. If you do any type of flirting with son then you're def leading him on unintentionally. Be clear if he makes inuendos that ur not feelin him, and no this isnt my way of saying yes Im really feeling you!
Lol. I'll give it another go Streetz. Here's an example…
**phone buzzes from text**
Him: Hey
Me: What it do?
Him: Nada. Question?
Me: Yea?
Him: Do you miss me?
Me: sigh Nah.
Him: ooooo… u're such an asshole.
Me: Y I gotta be all that?
Him: So you wanna go out tonight?
Me: Grrr… Not really.
Him: Asswipe. C'mon meet me at 8.
This is when you say
You: Listen…
**wait 5 minutes**
You: I dont want to be an ass, but I don't think we should be hanging out one on one unless you know its as friends. No shots, but I dont see you in a romantic way and I dont want to lead you on. Im not saying this to play a game Im keeping it real. If thats an issue we can still keep it cordial. No biggie. You still the homie!
If he cant respect that than his whole prespective is whack
"If he cant respect that than his whole prespective is whack"
… I see what you did there. 🙂
I don't know how to answer this one…Iet me think…
yo Streetz.
As a huge comic book and anime fan, I'm really going to like this series. I'm wondering where else you will get Spidey Information from. However, you did a first rate great job of flipping an american classic into great relationship advice.
Like it or not there is always someone with an upperhand in relationships. If you really value the person, you shouldn't abuse your power and ask for too much.
Co-sign. Geeked out for a second when I saw that clip at the top of the post. Good job flipping a classic into a contemporary post.
Thanks Fellas… Im tryna think if I should do this monthly or just drop my heat rock next week. ima have ppl STANNIN on Spidey soon!
I see what you did there, too.
good post brethren. as far as exes are concerned, i know i've probably been guilty of this in my past but i've learned that no good can come from it. i had to learn to leave the past in the past and move my ass on.
i think everyone has been guilty at some point or another of leading another person on. lol sometimes you don't even do it on purpose.
This was a great article. I enjoyed reading it. And I agree with Tunde. I think we've all been guilty of leading someone on at one point or another in our lives. I think that when you're younger you don't pay much attention to how leading someone on can really hurt them. Either that or we just dont care. I think that's just a part of the selfish nature one has when they are young. It's all about me, me, me. But as you get older or after you have been hurt you realize that it isn't cool to play on people's emotions.
They only thing I can think about and come up with a coherent response is relationships.
I completely agree with this:
"Men and Women bring unnecessary problems upon themselves by denying certain concrete truths. We think that by getting our way we’ll be straight but you bring emotional factors into this situation for which you will be held accountable. Just understand that whether you are rich, handsome/beautiful, in a position of power, or have any other appealing characteristic, that you have an inherent responsibility to stay humble and use those qualities wisely."
When it comes to my relationship I'm spoiled (and d@mned lucky), and I know it… pure and simple BUT with that knowledge, I know I have a good man and I treasure him. I could easily be a
b*tchshrew about it, but what good would that do but to destroy him (who he is) and what we have, that would be stupid.Like CHeeKZ said someone always has the upper hand in relationships (and they know it), but you have to look at what's valuable and what matters in the long run…not just for instant gratification….
Me and Streetz share a brain. I wrote a piece a while ago on exes. And one of your readers hated on my promotion and sent it to my ex, so first and foremost, if you are reading now, Eff You See Kay, You. Second, while I will never stop helping my ex out, I know the control that a man can have over a woman and vice versa. Hence, why when people break up they should break up, instead of some relaxed ish. Still calling everyday or texting, that's not cool. Break up like Kurtis Blow.
Tricking… I just wrote a post about this on thebookofjackson, I hate these people the most. And like I said, good men can see this and they just won't mess with you. Same for women.
Swindling… I have bad karma because I know that some chicks have wanted to be with me and I didn't want to be with them, but I didn't just tell them straight up. So I know if this were to happen to me, I couldn't be that mad. I'm working on my ish though and I'm learning to just tell chicks straight up, look you're not my type. It's so hard to tell a chick that though because then she wants to prove how good she can look or how she can pull any man or prove she's a down ass chick, but what she doesn't realize is….
She's still not my type.
And this brings me to a question… why is it that it seems no matter what a chick does, no matter how she responds to a situation, men always have the upper hand in control of how the relationship will go? I am tripping? Did I fall for the #swindle?
yes you did.
Women have more power than you can imagine. in some senses maybe more. Listen to Power of the P.U.S.S.Y it sums it up perfectly
There's leverage on both sides.
Also, let me say that people need to stop being simple minded and letting people control us. Sometimes ppl will be controlled, know it, and flow with it! This is a problem also!
Lmao. I do agree w/ HOVA… but I guess there is a push & pull on each side which makes it 'the dating game'… it's the right moves, at the right time, w/ the right opponent. In the situation I was mulling over, it seems that this dude has the upper hand but that falls back to your section on exes…
Hm. I will take this info back to <del>the ya ya sisterhood</del> the homies.
Yes you did.
Women have way more power in relationships than men do IMO. Some know it and act stupid, some know it and are humble about it, and some just don't know. My daddy taught me that a long time ago, hell most men will teach you that at some point, you just have to pay attention to it
I think it's all about how you approach a relationship or situation. Because some guys are good at controlling the pace and holding the power by just selection of partners.
Lol. And see IMHO this chick (who isn't me… for real, lol) needs to leave said dude alone. He's an ex (kinda) who is exhibiting mad control over her feelings. He picks her up and drops her when he feels like it. & instead of seeing what his actions are clearly saying, she holds on to the words he speaks when they are together. I'm sure she knows the power of 'Nani but since she really likes him she obviously didn't want to withhold… thus her current situation. All i'm saying is… actions speak waaaay louder than words.
That's the word I was looking for (Thanks Dr. J) … setting the pace of the relationship…
Rather then leave an original comment, what I would like to do is retweet Dr. J's 2nd paragraph in its entirety.
I am changing my life now; I remember when some bad chicks couldn't get past the bridge.
Dr J…that's true and can go both ways
S0 FLYY…see I'm not even talking about the power on the poom poom..that's just sex (and it can only hold a man's attention span only as long as he wants it to be held).
UNles su holdin other stuff for him
owwwwwww!
lol.
Hmmm, Interesting post. Timing coudn't be any better for my situation.
I am in a situation where I hold the power. I do know the power I hold on said individual. Said individual has also informed me of my said power. But I prefer NOT to use my powers for evil, although I believe the said individual wouldn't mind…. From my perspective its a lose lose situation if I were to use my "powers".
SN: This is not from the power of the poom poom either. We've never even had sex. Its now just a pile of great, but wasted chemistry.
I only have one comment and that is Karma is a evill bia. You can play the game hard and cold if you want to, but one day ur gonna meet someone you really like and they will put you through the ringer and the people that really cared about but in your eyes were to "soft" wont have anything to do with you.
I hold the power in my relationship, but most of the time women have the upper hand in general – which is why we are usually held to such stringent (unrealistic and unreasonable) standards.
Your list is on point. So is cooking for a dude without a commitment trickin' now? Makes sense because I've been there, and I felt used for my buffalo wings. Seriously, that's the easiest way to get a woman to go psycho – letting her impress you (or maybe just herself) with the wifey skills and you have no intention of upgrading her past jumpoff.
I dont think cookin for someone is trickin.. i think its culture. If you enjoy cooking you gonna have stuff left over anyway. Thats no harrm no foul. Now, if you never cook and all a sudden are slangin some chicken for a dude, you trickin! lol
Simple @ Anna, You are still in charge
You cook for him cause He may just be the one? No, He just knows you can throw down and you enjoy cooking
You throw ya back at him (literally) lol cause He may just be the one? No, You just know what he likes and you know how to get yours
You walk his ass to the door afterwards cause you know thats all hes good for and his job is done
I would like to publicly disagree with Anna.
"I hold the power in my relationship, but most of the time women have the upper hand in general – which is why we are usually held to such stringent (unrealistic and unreasonable) standards. "
I have no clue where you get your information from to claim that most of the time women have the upper hand.
the Couchie is the upper hand and last I heard only women had one lol
That's funny because I know many women who stay in relationships after their men cheat on them, but only a few men who stay with a woman after she renders him a cuckold. (Google it.) What about the coochie?
I think women need to think about something when they think their coochie has an upper hand. Coochie is coochie and there's so much of it out here that there's no elevation of one coochie over the other. What your coochie won't do, I can find 5 that will.
I don't want to say coochie ever again.
Its not the just the vagina. Its definitely more to it. A mind game is what it is. I don't really want to use the term "game, bu its the best way I can explain.
The problem is too many women don;t use their brain…rendering their power and thus the power of other women powerless or those that do understand must work 10x harder.
You'd like to publily disagree with me? Sounds like a normal Wednesday, lol.
I wasn't talking about the coochie. Ever see that really huge kid (the one who was six four in the 3rd grade) that didn't know how big his azz was and got punked out of his lunch every day? That's pretty much the state that a lot of women are in. We have all the tools we need at our disposal. Most of us just don't know how to wield them. Yeah, you could throw the good-good in that arsenal but really the mind is where all the potential is. I will admit, most women who are experts at this are just plain evil (but karma is a you-know-who) and most women don't approach men with the intent to do harm. But the potential is there – all certain women need is a good enough reason to use it.
P.S. – no one's had to google "cuckhold" since 1998, ya nincompoop. Ole antique jone collecting azz……..lol
Precisely.
lol, I like reading you.
I seem to alway hang out with people that are much older or much younger than me. And to answer your question, I see the older women stringing along dudes quite often. It's like they know their beauty clock is ticking and keep one "just in case" guy in the pocket. The younger ladies do it as well, but they seem to be pretty blatant with it. I think most guys see it coming or expect it. But, the older ladies it seems are more covert (is that a good Spiderman word? lol). So which is worse? In your face manipulation or stealth-like motives?
lol @ Spidey word!
I think the devil u know is always better than the Devil you don't. Both suck though.
Thanks for the post!
I would also say that if you know an ex still has power over you the best thing that you can do for yourself is to COMPLETELY cut that person out of your life or atleast leave them until alone you are sure they no longer have that sort of hold on you. If you harbor ANY hope, even the tiniest fantasy, that the two of you could be together someday then you're not truly over them and until you do get to that point your not going to be ready to move forward.
And don't fool yourself that youre trying to get "closure" or stay friends, youre fooling yourself. You just aren't over that person and youre using the slightest pretense to keep from having to make that final cut.
As far as Great power Great Responsibility is concerned a guy once told me that the person who is the least in "like or love" holds the power in the relationship b/c the other party in the relationship is constantly waiting or anticipating (power holders) next move….Will they stay? will they go? etc…
I've made the mistake of leading people on one too many times without even realizing it and by the time I realize the damage is already done. && yes it does come back to get you later… like if you end up actually wanting to get with one of those people you played earlier, they may be too bitter to reconsider forming a relationship with you && you can lose a good friend that way
Thanks for the comment! Those are all crazy factors to consider!
Just to geek out here, in the original Amazing Fantasy final page which you have up there, Uncle Ben did not say the Spider-Man creed.
It was later that it was retconned to be something Ben would say……..just saying.