No Trespassing

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine that recently got married and another friend that has been living with his fiance for a year.  As we stood in the mall holding our SO’s purses sat at a bar chopping it up about their new lives, both gentlemen expressed their sincere blissful happiness with their better halves, but definitely miss some of the finer intricacies of being a bachelor, that they didn’t even consider would be an issue once they got married.    As the gentleman I am, I have summed up some of the aspects of marriage which I picked up from these brothers that are probably the furthest thing from a young gent’s mind when he ponders signing his life away taking that next step.

Sleeping

Clearly when you get married your sleeping arrangement will change.  What most people don’t know is that once your marriage license is on file, your municipality’s zoning officials are required by law to come to your bedroom and divide your bed into two new sovereign nations known as “my side” and “your side”.  The consequences of crossing these lines are more severe than crossing into infidel airspace.  Under no circumstances must you dare leave the familiarity of “your side” and venture in the unknown of “her side”.  So if you lose something, don’t even bother looking over on her side, because you probably shouldn’t have been over there in the first place.

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Closet Space

Kiss this sh*t goodbye.  If you’ve made it through life managing with limited closet space you should be fine, but if you are used to having a fair amount of closet space, that will no longer be the case.  Some men and most Kappas have vast wardrobes that require a lot of space, while others prefer to use closets as hiding places storage places.  No matter which one of these categories you fall under, you can expect that space to be reduced exponentially.   You could try buying a bigger house with more closet space, but all that means is now there is more closet space for her sh*t, and the fact that there’s enough money lying around to afford a bigger house must mean there’s more money to buy more sh*t.  It’s a never ending cycle.

Guilt Free Flatulence

Gone will be the days of walking around and letting nature take its course without a care in the world.  It may be slightly humorous once or twice depending on the context, but frequently breaking wind during the middle of conversations probably won’t go down so well.  You can be guaranteed that any unwarranted flatulence will always kill the mood.   My boy said he fired a few test shots a month or two in and they were not received very well.  While you’re at it, cross using the bathroom with the door open off the list as well.

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Staying Up Late

This had to be funniest thing they mentioned during our conversation.  Apparently when you get married, your not issued a firm bedtime, but you can pretty much assume when she goes to bed, you’re expected to be there not too long after, unless you’re actually doing something worthwhile.  Fantasy basketball and Mafia Wars are not on the list of exceptions.  You’ll usually hear a suggestive “Honey, you coming to bed” which really means “Negro, time to go sleep”.  What you will learn the hard way is that girlfriends and FWB’s will wake up at 3am for some nookie, while fiances and wives start handing out rainchecks at 10:30pm.

I don’t know how many married folks we get coming through here, but I do know a few of you have revealed that you have been engaged or married before, so you can probably to relate to some of this.  It’s clearly not the end of the world, but a key part of any long term relationship is the ability to actually live with that person.  Hopefully I’ve provided some food for thought.  Think you can handle this?  Any folks out familiar with these situations?

…hopefully y’all paid your taxes yesterday…