There are several questions that make life for men difficult. A few questions that never have a good answer, yet can never be left unanswered. They put us on the spot, make us sweat, and may cause stomach pains.
– Where is this relationship going?
– Did you sleep with her?
– Do you love me?
That last one … that’s the killer.
The first time a woman asked me if I loved her, I didn’t really understand the question. She was my first real girlfriend. Sure I was smashing, and sure I enjoyed my time with her, and yeah, I wanted her around me. Generally speaking, I missed her when she was away, but did that mean I loved her?
And then there was loving someone and being in love with them. How did one tell the difference? I had heard some stuff about hearing Marvin when you kissed, but … let’s be real … a better test was if I went to sleep after I busted or got up and left. I mean, what was she really asking me? Did she want to be loved, or preferred me to be in love?
Long story short … fast forward a bunch of years … I figured it out. Now if I get asked that question again, I just look up, mentally run over a couple of questions, and answer. For any man (or woman), when prompted with this request, just go over these questions in your head. If you answer them all yes … you just might be in love.
Would I rather share a full sized bed with them than sleep alone?
Have you, as a grown individual, ever tried to share a full sized bed with another grown individual? It’s painful. You move 6 inches in the wrong way and you are on the floor. Your booty is poking over the side, your feet are off the edge, and the blanket isn’t big enough. Sadly, when you finally “fall”, you actually don’t want to lay in one by yourself. You actually want that other person there. It’s better to be hot and crowded with them, than alone.
Are you making excuses to NOT go out with your friend?
This is true for everybody, but especially for a man. When you have “plans”, but someone reminds you that your man made plans to hit the strip club, you make up an excuse. Suddenly your boss needs some last minute assignment, your stomach is bubbling, your car has a flat. Except, when your in that altered state of mind. Now there is nothing better than staying at home and watching Love Jones. That’s how you know it might be something serious.
When you drop that L-bomb … it doesn’t sound like a lie?
The last one is when you say that word, you truly believe that you mean it. I’ve said it before when I didn’t mean it, and you can tell. It just sounds fake in your head when it comes off your tongue. It might sound right to them, but you know the truth because you said it. When you can say it, look them in the eye, and feel like you mean … well … you might be sprung.
Love isn’t always difficult. 3 questions is all you need to answer. It seems silly, but it’s real.
Took me sometime to figure it out, but I know now. When I say it, when I’m asked, when it comes up … answer is always the same and always the truth.
– SBM aka “I’m in a good mood” aka “Don’t call me soft”
Hmmmm I've never had this problem…
I've been told by many of my male friends that it's hard for them to ascertain whether they are truly in love or not… Interesting. I've never questioned it– I've always just known.
But that's #TRUTH on the Full size bed thing. Even though I'm a tiny person I still like my space in my bed.
I'm taking notes over here. Good information to know. Thanks for that. *goes back to writing*
"Love isn’t always difficult"
True, true. Great Post. Good points.
The "do I love her vs. am I in love" thing always gives me hiccups … I've never been in love .. i'd imagine that's some deep impenetrable feeling that is scary to say the least.
But honestly, loving someone or being in love with someone means NOTHING if the feeling isn't mutual. The slightest bit of (perceived) difference is enough to ruin a relationship, which is sad.
The idea of needing to be at the same point on the love scale in order for there to be symmetry is tough. I've been in situations where if she's a 9 on the love scale and she perceives me as an 8 on that same scale, "Houston, we have a problem".
The line of "Love" questioning only gets deeper and deeper. Today it's do you love me, tomorrow it's are you in love with me, next week it's How much in love are u with me, next month it's give me the anti-derivative of your love to the third power divided by 2. It's a setup … It's best not to have to be asked these questions, but rather to be proactive in telling her how you feel. Though that isn't fail-proof either.
Honestly, I think it's hard for two people to be at the same point of love at the same time for the entirety of a relationship… I feel like there will always be a bit of a disparity. The best is when the balance shifts. There will be days when you love her more than she loves you… but as long as it isn't one person off the deep end of love all the time, you should be cool.
Agreed … But it's hard to tell someone i don't love you today like i loved you yesterday. I guess it takes two rational people to understand the concept.
LOL. While I'm not exactly sure why you would be telling your S/O that… I understand where you are coming from. It just takes two people who understand that the shift in the feeling is bound to happen. What shouldn't happen is a shift in the action…
I think this is where good communication skills come into play. I would not dare say " I don't love you today like I did yesterday' to anyone. Love like that is flimsy and isn’t love at all in my book. Sometimes a person just goes into a cave.
It's those times where people should know how to give the other partner his/her space. I don't think the love has actually changed, just that there may be other issues going on. For example, if I am having a rough week at work, I may get distant. I may not be as sensitive and available as I normally am. This may be seen as me falling out of love, when it's not about the relationship at all. I recently learned how to read my husband and see how my attitudes affect him. I look forward to being more aware of how he may perceive my moods and being able to adjust things accordingly
No Flyy I would never tell my S/O … Guess i was just working the scenario out in my head, although i have said that "i'm not in love with you", which is just as difficult to say.
@Bacon (I prefer pork) – Yeah, it does boil down to communication skills, whether its the proper use of tone, tact, and/or timing.
As far as people being on the level on the love scale I think it varies until you decide to go all the way (marriage for some then that’s were you meet). Other than that I think it’s better for a guy to be higher on the love scale than a women ( women at an 8 man at a 10) I feel like a man should be a little more in love with you than you are with him to make it work ( not extreme just a little). I think when it’s the opposite way around that when the relationship becomes a struggle.
"A man needs to be with the women he loves, a woman needs to be with a man who loves her"
Totally agree … I think that's the reason why none of my relationships have worked out.
Indeed..One bit of advice my great granny told me was that in an relationship the man should be more in love than the woman. I agree totally..
SMilez_920: "Other than that I think it’s better for a guy to be higher on the love scale than a women ( women at an 8 man at a 10) I feel like a man should be a little more in love with you than you are with him to make it work ( not extreme just a little).
Gospel.
I am a very firm believer in the saying "don't say it if you don't mean it" Sure it sounds nice and feels rather awesome to hear someone in which your dating tell you they love you but it feels even better to know where you guys stand in the realtionship and know what it really is…
“Love isn’t always difficult”
That's right for the most part but I think LOVE can also sometimes be misconstrued as INFATUATION even though you can say "Yes" to all 3 questions above.
Cosign. What happens when that infatuation wears off?
You pick fights just so they can sleep on the couch. *LOL*
j/k but not really……
Good post. I'll add:
Is the person your friend?: Do you enjoy and look forward to spending time with that person even if you're not having xes? Is there a level of platonic enjoyment that you have with the person?
Does your actions show you love that person?: Love isn't a feeling, but a decision. With decision comes actions. Does your actions show that you love that person? Do you find yourself doing things for that person that you don't want to?
"Do you find yourself doing things for that person that you don’t want to?"
This question is EVERYTHING, because Love is about compromise and sacrifice so if a person can't fully answer "Yes" to this then they need to re-evaluate their feelings.
I like those additions HJ! "Love isn’t a feeling, but a decision"…YES!
Sometimes you can't STAND the person you love because they did something to piss you off. Does that mean you get to act reckless and
skeet, skeet, skeetcheat on your significant other or speak poorly to them? NO. When you make the decision to love someone you act accordingly regardless of feelings because feelings are fleeting.Co-sign the additions. Especially the "it's a decision" bullet point. #truth
I know it's love when he actually tries to anticipate my needs in his manly way.
I know it's love when he just calls me during the day to say nothing…just to reconnect.
I know it's love when he watches Days of Our lives with me and actually know some of the story line…lol.
I know it's love when he cooks my favorite foods.
I know it's love when he gets an attitude if he thinks I am too busy for him.
I have been in a relationship where I was told "I love you", but he clearly didn't. Now I LOOK for those actions that show it. Love can be seen and felt. If you only feel it, but don't see it, something may be wrong.
"Love can be seen and felt. If you only feel it, but don’t see it, something may be wrong."
Yup… "love" is an action word. Its all good if you FEEL that you love me… but if you can't make ME feel that you love me… then what does it matter?
You have to SHOW love. I don't doubt that some people feel like they love someone… but if you're too selfish to make certain sacrifices to SHOW someone that you love them, then to be honest…nobody really care about how you feel…
Love is all about actions.
peep how Beef Bacon related everything that tells her its love to him.
lol thats all a women needs to know..she needs to know thats he's falling or in love ..so she wont jump the gun…
Yes, because it evident to me when I am in love or love a person. I would only question another person's love. I am glad to have at least matured enough to know my feelings. It took me some time to learn what being in love DOES NOT feel/look like. It's refreshing to know what love DOES look/feel like.
If you would like to know how I know when it is love for me….
I know it's love…
when I can't see my life without him.
when 4+ years have passed and I still can't get enough of him in general.
when no other man can even try to catch my attention.
when I am improving myself not only for me for him as well.
when I think about how he may feel before I say/do something.
when I wanted to learn everything about him in order to make his life easier.
And that's just what I can translate into words.
Next time when you talk about love, use "I" statements. It means more to the other person. I don't want to be contigent on your love.
The fact that y'all disliked my comment speaks volumes about y'all.
I understand what you were saying though. Not sure why you were disliked. My first post was only explaining how I knew HE loves me. I would like to know what others felt after reading your comment. Those like and dislike buttons give people an easy way out.
This is my thing in situations like these. Situation: I know that I'm in love with you and I believe that my actions are more than enough proof of that. However, your (not you) idea of what actions I should be doing to prove I love you are vastly different than mine so therefore you don't believe that I love you…but I really do, like seriously.
Now it's a different story if you "feel" like you're not getting loved enough vs. him not loving you at all. At any rate the I went through a very similar situation as the one I outlined about. It was like no matter what I did or said it was like she wanted to question the validity of my statements…all…the..time. That's a different blog post possibly, however, lol.
At the end of the day I understand one can't fight their feelings and if you feel a certain person feels a certain way about you…right or wrong…it really doesn't matter b/c then questioning trust comes into play at some point and that's a slippery slope. It is a frusterating experience, however, when a person you love can't see that you do and never will.
Larry that is why there is proof of the five love languages. You have to know your partner's. People tend to do for others what they themselves would want. Example, if I like buying gifts for my SO to show him love, I may expect gifts from him, when in reality he shows his love in another way.
You have to open your eyes and ears in those cases. Think outside of yourself. It is hard sometimes for us to see where others are coming from. Sit down and talk it out until you understand what that person needs.
OR…
Some folks have trust issues that were there long before you came along. They may not even know how it feels to be sincerely loved. That is something you can't work with. They need to fix that.
Beef Bacon your so on point…..I definitely co-sign on all those….
Especially the last statement about trust issues…
If no matter what a person doesn't trust you then thats them not you….best thing to do is move on if you don't want to be forever questioned and having to prove yourself….
I have definitely learned that love is not as absolute as I once thought it was. Like Larry described I have dealt with dudes who are adamant that they love me despite the fact that I don't see it/feel it. Ill want to believe them, but I wont or cant because theyre not doing all for me that I would for them. And you feel tripped out because you wonder 'Is he being malicious or is he earnestly confused?' I've accepted that in addition to the love languages (which i reference often in my dealings with people, friendly or otherwise), it seems to me that people can really only love at their level of maturity. I.e. he's not being malicious, his love is just not as mature as your love or vice versa. Sometimes its a translational issue and sometimes two people in a relationship are loving each other at vastly differently levels. Sadly, that cant really work.
I think what gets confusing for a lot of people is when they look back after the demise of the relationship and trying to ascertain whether or not you were in love. People tend to doubt themselves or their feelings looking back. Evaluating in hindsight isn't the best method because now there are other feelings of distrust and wariness that weren't there to begin with. I have learned not to be afraid to say, I loved him. I was in love and trust in those feelings that I had at that time.
Flyy I see your point, but if it was truly LOVE/BEING IN LOVE in the first place those feelings wouldn't just disappear just because the relationship ended would they?
Yeah, I think that's what she's saying. You can continue to love a person once you break up. I still love (AND respect, for that matter) my ex but I am not in love with him… and whatever we went through has nothing to do with my future relationships.
"I was in love and trust in those feelings that I had at that time". (@Flyy) Perfectly said.
@GirlSixx –
I think Mika saw where I was trying to go. It's not that your feelings disapate or that you don't love that person anymore. But I know a lot of people (including myself) will look back on a relationship once it's over and ask a million and one questions about the "love" that was there. I'm sure for a multitude of reasons… Was I trippin? It wasn't really love was it? Nah… I ain't really love him… I couldn't have.
All of that… is what I was trying to get at. Avoid those types of moments w/ yourself if you can. When you're not 'in love' anymore and you are looking back on what was… don't question it b/c then you begin to ask if you've ever had love or if you really even know what love is like, etc. Trust in the love you had at that moment in time.
Hope I'm making sense…
@ Flyy
"When you’re not ‘in love’ anymore and you are looking back on what was… don’t question it b/c then you begin to ask if you’ve ever had love or if you really even know what love is like, etc. Trust in the love you had at that moment in time."
Makes Alot of Sense now because this is where I'm at on my SingleLady Journey that is why I am taking it "Short Yellow Bus with Helmut" slow in regards to getting into another relationship PLUS the fact that I've learned about myself that I have a tendency to get bored easily and lose interest real quick and I don't want to make the same mistake twice.
co-sign – the man I was "in love" with I love him today. Are we ever going to be together again no.
i agree with the last point. you can feel the first two ways and still not be in love with a person. you can be deeply infatuated with that person and still feel this way.
yeah I agree with Tunde on this one, you not considering college… think about that, you used to shack up on the twin size for a whoel semester with a jawn. I straight up did not see the purpose in paying for a college party when I could stay in the dorm room and shag.
man and in some of our upper classmen dorms those twins were bunk beds. what the hell was i thinking? i can barely fit in my queen by myself right now.
hahahahahahaha… that is hilarious. looking back on that like (o_O) wtf was i thinking? how did we roll over? hilarious.
i can't really relate here bc i've never been in love… but i love this blog. lol
I'm surprised people liked this. Had Adonis or I responded it would've been thumbs down all day.
LOL @ random 5 thumbs up from people who haven't been in love….
+1 from me. sometimes i doubt I was once in love before…
Why would you ever ask someone if they loved you? As in, if they love you, eventually they'll tell you right? So either you're going to get a lie or a forced yes. Doesn't sound desirable to me. I also hate "where is this going" questions though I understand them, especially if you're over 30 and feel like you don't have time to just see things through. But I'd never ask anyone that.
I don't ask myself questions to verify my love. I trust myself and I know myself well enough to know. But if I did ask one thing, it would be what someone above said: would you like this person if sex wasn't involved? As in, would you want to hang out with them as friends, do they share your values, do they have the same kind of humour. For example, I can't imagine being with someone who was rude to other people (waiters etc.). Small thing to some, but deal breaker for me. I think you can tell a lot of a person by the way they treat others, especially those they have no relationship to.
Aw, look at you. I remember reading through your posts last year and hoping that you'd find someone, not knowing at the time that you had already gotten past that point. I'm happy for you.
SEX adds to this whole issue of wondering whether you're in love….yes, I know what u are all probably thinking..but it's true..
In my book, if you're NOT sleeping with a man, and he's still around MONTHS later….he probably loves YOU! 😉
This is my thing in situations like these. Situation: I know that I’m in love with you and I believe that my actions are more than enough proof of that. However, your (not you) idea of what actions I should be doing to prove I love you are vastly different than mine so therefore you don’t believe that I love you…but I really do, like seriously.
Now it’s a different story if you “feel” like you’re not getting loved enough vs. him not loving you at all. At any rate the I went through a very similar situation as the one I outlined about. It was like no matter what I did or said it was like she wanted to question the validity of my statements…all…the..time. That’s a different blog post possibly, however, lol.
At the end of the day I understand one can’t fight their feelings and if you feel a certain person feels a certain way about you…right or wrong…it really doesn’t matter b/c then questioning trust comes into play at some point and that’s a slippery slope. It is a frusterating experience, however, when a person you love can’t see that you do and never will
This is so true…in this very predicament as I type…..sighsssss
What we call "love" is nothing more than us using the company of others to hide our insecurities from ourselves. Other than that, we use the word too much. Most of us have no concept of what it means. Read: http://hubpages.com/hub/What-Is-Love-Part-1
those are all some GREAT questions to ask!!!
"Love isn’t always difficult."
I would say that love is NEVER difficult.