fantasy-football

You hear that? It’s the keyboard clacking of email trash talk, illegal Paypal transactions, and “experts” explaining why Wes Welker will thrive with the Denver Broncos.

That’s right, the NFL season is near. That means the Fantasy NFL season has just begun.

That’s why I’m here.

I won’t claim to be a Fantasy Football expert like Matthew Berry (whose actual title is Senior Fantasy Analyst at ESPN…I’m not sure if I should be shaking my head or shaking his hand), but I do play way too much fantasy football – probably to the detriment of my real-life relationships and production at work (at least on Tuesdays). You can go to Berry for detailed statistical analysis on yards-per-passing-attempt and running back workloads. I’ll just make fun of the guys (and girls) in your fantasy leagues that keep you coming back every year.

Remember, if you don’t recognize one of these guys, then I’m talking about you.

Rog-vid Stern-ddell –

Stern and Goddell

Every league has a commissioner. That’s a given. All leagues don’t have this guy, though. With all the worst characteristics of Roger Goddell and David Stern, this is the commish that takes his job way, way too seriously.

Millions of people play fantasy football every year. Exactly 82% of them don’t give a crap about their team by Halloween (analysis!). Ro-vid can’t take that though. He’s sending texts, emails, and phone calls to discuss trades midday on Thursday. He’s writing detailed emails to the league each week asking for group decisions about the trade deadline. He’s vetoing trades like the real David Stern.

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Frankly, he’s making you wonder how he can hold down a job while taking on the full-time role of Fake Football League Commissioner. I mean, I guess I’m glad he cares so much; just don’t need the emails clogging my inbox.

The Broke OchoCinco –

He earns this title because he talks all the trash of a young Chad Johnson, without any of the NFL money. What made OchoCinco’s antics so funny is that he actually went on the field and backed it up. When he sent Pepto Bismol to the cornerbacks who’d be covering him week-to-week, it was fun to see him try and burn those guys.

Broke OchoCinco sends you the Pepto Bismol…then watches games on the couch with you hoping the players on his fake team make him look good. He could be watching from his living room, a sports bar, or in the stands and the outcome of the game will be exactly the same. It’s basically the same as talking trash after playing a lottery ticket. Who would do that?

This guy would.

If it’s any consolation, Chad is watching the games with all of us now, and you probably drive a cooler car than he does (but not cooler than JR Smith…apparently).

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The Wheeler and Dealer –

Tom Cruise

This is the guy who treats the desk at his cubicle like it’s Drew Rosenhaus’ corner office. He’s sending 10 trade proposals a week that range from “LOL, no” to “Are you insulting my intelligence?”

I think this guy is first cousins with “Talks to Every Woman at the Bar” guy. So at least there’s a precedent. Much like TtEWatB Guy, all it takes is one overserved woman negligent team owner to say “eff it” and justify his antics. Part of me wishes trade proposals were public. That would cut back severely on the Wheeler and Dealer. Or maybe we should make him buy a drink for every trade proposal sent. That’s what his cousin does anyway.

Super Fan –

I can admit to being this guy occasionally. Shout out to Titus Young, the Detroit Lion who was on several of my fantasy rosters over the past couple seasons, despite evidence that he has some serious problems going on.

The only real advice I’d give a novice fantasy football player is that it’s not real life. Don’t stock up on guys from your favorite team. Even if you have the top couple guys, picking up the secondary players mean you’re missing out on the top scorers from other teams. Just a bad idea.

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Super Fan is good for one thing though: lopsided trades. If you know a Seahawks fan out there, trade him Golden Tate for his third best player. Before the Wheeler and Dealer gets to him of course.

There’s my breakdown of the fantasy football season. Again, if you’re looking for the best educated guesses out there, ESPN has a Senior Fantasy Analyst.

Did you recognize yourself? Who else do you look forward to seeing in your fantasy leagues? Hit the comments and let me know who I left out. May Shiva bless your teams this year!