Happy holidays to all you good readers of SBM. I hope your season is filled with joy, health, safety…and gifts!
I have a fascination with marriage. My curiosity goes from why do things fall apart to what makes things stay together? Were some marriages doomed from the start? There are a whole litany of questions that we would all want answered. Through it all, I have always had a positive outlook on marriage. Since a child I’ve always wanted to make a marriage work. Some of this might have to do with seeing my parents’ marriage fail. I saw other relationships work and thought there was no reason I couldn’t be successful either.
With all this withstanding, the older I get I do not underestimate the realities of marriage. All too often I read negative pieces on why it might suck to be married. I’m sure some marriages are ass. But I also believe there are many happy people out there who are married.
The older I get the more I realize that I’m not built to be single forever. Being single doesn’t provide the real companionship I would love to experience.
I refuse to chase skirts into my 40s.
It simply just takes too much damn energy. So for me, and anyone else who desires to be married here are some realistic expectations we should have.
1. Disagreements – I expect arguments in any marriage. In fact, I think you should have argued enough while dating to see how well you guys handle issues. Part of why I would want to propose to someone would be my confidence that I would be able to work through issues with a woman. So I expect disagreements. I also expect my wife to be willing to work through them.
2. Compromise – Sometimes we have to concede. I’m pretty sure there will be times in which I just won’t have my way in my marriage. There will be times when you just have to bite the bullet. Choose your battles wisely and hope your lady has the same mentality.
3. Forgiveness – My mouth has gotten me in trouble few times well. I say things at times with good intention but with horrible delivery. This has led to me hurting feelings here and there. Naturally that has lead me to wanting to be forgiven. At the same token I have to understand that my feelings in my marriage may be hurt at times. I too must commit to forgiving my woman and again working towards getting things right.
4. Patience – To piggyback on forgiveness, it takes patience. All of marriage I’m pretty sure will exercise your patience. You have to embrace your patience being tested.
5. Growth – All in all I expect to mature immensely being married. Starting a new life sounds about right while being married. Everything I’ve aforementioned should hopefully lead to your growth as an individual.
I know the statistics many times turn people off on marriage. Some don’t want to be married because they don’t think it’s natural to be with one person for life. We could go on with this list as well. But for the people who do want to be married I write this for you all.
I write this to tell you to not be discouraged.
You have to try and have a very practical view of marriage. It’s nothing like the movies. If you’re willing to put the work in and you have a partner who equals that, then that’s who you want.
What are you expectations of marriage? To those who are married, what could I expect? How was my list?
These are my words and I make no apologies.
This post has been revised and was written originally on my first blog “The Doctor’s Office” last year. I thought in the wake of last week’s post, this discussion would be perfect.
DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS
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Yes, some marriages are def doomed for failure from the jump, lol. That's cause many people marry who they want to marry (for various reasons) instead of who they are compatible with. Compatibility is soooo important! And friendship is not proof of compatibility (something I didn't know prior to marrying my ex-hub).
Compatibility + Will = Successful Marriage
Your list is good, but without compatibility, all this good effort falls flat.
@cynicaloptmst81 Then what is proof of compatibility? It seems to me that friendship and commitment are the top 2 components of a successful marriage, but I'd like to hear your take 🙂
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I'd be honored to give it! 🙂
Now, you do need to be friends with your man. But, every friend canNOT be your man. With my ex, what I didn't realize was that certain things about him didn't bother me because we were only friends. Once we became more than friends, it gradually became problematic. And that's the catch. There are different requirements for being friends and being romantic partners. You must determine what the difference is for you and be clear about it.
And will breeds commitment…not the other way around. 🙂
I totally agree with you! Compatibility is at the top of my list. Take my ex and current beau, for instance. I started out as good friends with both. We had respect, compromise, loyalty, etc. But my ex and I just weren't compatible. Over time, this became painstakingly clear and unavoidable. We just came from 2 different perspectives that could not coincide. With my current beau, we are extremely compatible and work well through everything that comes our way; disagreements included. It makes a world of difference.
I totally agree with you. If you ain't compatible with your partner, it will be kind of difficult to build a home.
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Doc. List is on point brother. I would’ve thrown sacrifice up there, but compromise fell right in line with it. The percentages are skewed, nuff happy, healthy marriages. #shakethestats
I think with the right mindset and maturity a marriage will work out, I’ve watched my parents for years and one thing that I’ve watched and learned is communication is key and half the time it’s not what you say but how you say it, ppl feel marriages don’t work out cuz no one is willing to try and fight for love anymore, your points are valid made me reflect on myself see what I can do better in my next relationship until then I’m just a lonely cinderella still waiting on my glass slipper from Prince charming
expectations?
i expect that i won't get my way all of the time, but i expect that i'll be working and moving towards the best decisions of my family and not necessarily my goals or objectives.
I think your list was great! I've been married for a little over a year, and let me tell you: it's hard. Not because we're unsure or unhappy, but because melding two lives together is tough. If you're going through that transition with a person who doesn't understand you, it's going to be damn near impossible to make it through this adjustment stage. I think since I'm still in the early years of marriage, I can totally relate to the list and so far this is how I see it in accordance with your list:
1. You will have disagreements. You're right. In the 5 yrs my hubby and I have been together, we have probably had 2 ARGUMENTS where we raise our voice. And I'm being generous in saying 2 arguments. When we disagree, we do so like adults for the most part, and we still respect each other in the process. If one of us is wrong or hurts the other's feelings, we apologize.
2. Compromise. Oh yes… that lovely C word. You both will be doing a lot of this. You also realize that some battles WILL be lost, and you bite the bullet and let it go. I've had to adjust to "letting things go". He won't put the laundry away. He just won't, no matter how much it piles up, or I bitch and moan. lol My loss. I'll put it away for my own sanity, because bickering about this helps no one.
3. Forgiveness. I have a terrible terrible mouth at times. I'm crass, and I just say things. It can come out kinda mean sometimes. He realizes this and doesn't judge me for it, which I appreciate.
4. Patience. Um.. YES. Under-f&^%ing-statement. This should be #1. lol
5. Growth. This part is the most fun. It's great watching each other reach our individual goals, and supporting each other in the process. We grow as individuals and as a unit and it really is great. There's nothing like having someone all about you in your corner.
I'm just gonna add one: Communication. This part is so big its unbelievable. If you're mad, say your're mad. Something the person said or did hurt your feelings? Keep it real and say it. Something on your mind? Say it. Dont' stew in anything, because it helps no one. And as a couple you should be able to tell your partner anything you're feeling without fear.
You definitely have the right idea with your list here. Granted, I haven't been married for long, but I find these things you listed as huge huge factors in why my husband and I "work". It's not easy becoming "one", but with the right person, it sure is a fun and interesting ride. Great post 🙂
Thanks for the insight….us single folks need it! LOL
I just heard this guy say that marriage is about "consistently doing things for that person that make you feel uncomfortable because you love that person." Pretty simple advice but I'll take it since it's coming from a happily married man of almost 10 yrs.
This list is on point! Thanks for posting, always enjoy reading your work.
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thanks so much!
Not married but when talking to friends and peers, I've noticed too many are fascinated with the wedding, not focused on the realities of marriage.
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I do want to be married. I've never been entirely anxious about doing it with a man I loved but knew there wasn't a stable enough future for us. Realistically, if things aren't going as the author's list suggests, I know I can't make it with someone long-term. My expectations have always been to be with someone who wants it work just as much as I do and shows the same amount of loyalty and dedication that I do. I don't believe in two folks in a boat together while only one person is rowing and the other is laying back. Also, it's absolutely necessary to realize what you want, need, and will not accept. Going into any relationship with standards in mind and choosing a partner based on those standards is just right foundationally.
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Although your post is accurate, you only hinted at the up side. Dating should be fun and simple. If you and your companion are “perfecting your fighting” lol odds are that’s not the one. I could go on and on with ideas about what makes it work, but I think a key ideas is very simple. The person you marry should be the person who you enjoy being with. I often say dating is event based. You are going to see her or she is coming to see you. There is an inherent preparation/excitement to dating that marriage lacks, so it is easy for marriage to become boring. So success relies in finding simple ways to continue to enjoy one another. If you didn’t have that before you marry you won’t find it after.
Nice list, but I'm still scared. And I'm a woman! I will admit I get tired of married people saying that marriage is so much "work" but I wonder if they TRULY remember how hard it was being single. Hhmm…
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I was SCARED to get married. I'd wake up in the morning sometimes and have complete anxiety attacks because I was the one getting cold feet. My (now) husband was calm as can be. So it IS scary. And it IS work. I always tell people that I think being single was way easier than being married, but nothing good comes without work. So even though it is "work" it isn't a "chore", if you get what i'm saying.
My advice to any single man considering marriage is this..make sure she has the same level of education and same earning potential that you have, otherwise she will have a financial incentive to marry-and-divorce, because the primary bread-winner is the one who must pay for the other to have equal finances after the divorce, and the other usually also gets to keep the house.
marriage should also be for you; you should be getting what you need spiritually, physically, and emotionally from a relationship. Completely sacrificing yourself, your needs, your feelings to appease the other person isn't love.
That 1st paragraph does not evoke passions of matrimony over here
Women should look for me who has the same as her. Financial, education, some women make more than men. Men out here trying to come up by getting married. Two way street
Aaaahhhh…..expectations…realizations…what we want, and what its really going to be…interesting
I refuse to chase skirts in my 30s.
I want 6 children…trying to be married by 26/27 first child by 28/29
Marriage is not the end of the road but, in my opinion, the fresh start to a new adventure. I complete individuals coming together towards a common goal. And I think that this is where people get it mixed up. Outside of love, there has to be a common goal: something that both parties are working toward. Because if you're planning on being together 'until death do you part,' then both of you have to be equipped for the ride. Much like if you have a dream of opening a business, you would want to be successful and see it grow. You would not just select a random business partner. This person must be a capable, trustworthy person who shares the same dream. You have to get ready for the losses and gains and be willing to make a big investment towards its success. Marriage is one of those great investments.