Let’s be honest, many of us are friends with people we used to date. It’s a good thing and bad thing. If you’re not still emotional dependent on one another it can possibly work. Personally, I feel that if you can’t remain at least cordial with your exes then it speaks to the type of people you have dated in your past. In the fell chance that your significant other finds out about this relationship at random or unexpectedly then things can snowball quickly. Here’s a short list of things that can happen.
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They get upset.
Finding out that your significant other is friends with their ex sounds like it shouldn’t be a problem but whenever your significant finds out something is going on behind their back they get upset.
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They find out from your friend.
A late night of drinking, you guys stumble down the street and your roommate asks your significant other how they feel about you still hanging out with [INSERT EX’S NAME HERE]. At this point, you’re angry at your roommate for blurting this out. However, you’ve got bigger fish to fry now.
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They find out when you mention it accidentally.
Then there was that time that you mention the cast of your last night at happy hour. Instead of stopping there you tell the account of how it came up that you and your “friend” used to date a few years ago. You may explain that you decided you were better off as friends but the damage is already done.
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They don’t tell you.
Seems like an ideal situation. Wrong! Never underestimate silence, it’s usually followed by a calculated plot. Or, they back pocket the information and save it for a rainy day or get out of jail free card.
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They not only get upset but they spaz.
There’s a chance that you have an old picture of the two of you hanging around the house. Now you have to explain why you went on vacation… alone… with your “friend.”
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They forbid you to speak to them.
If you’re not careful and proactive about explaining your continuing relationship with an ex then you subject yourself to letting your significant other determine the terms of relationship with them. This may include not speaking to them, not hanging out with them (not hanging out with them alone), or unfriending them on all forms of social media.
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They strike up a friendship with their ex too.
I’ve seen this happen. Your significant other finds out you are friends with your ex and then they determine that it’s okay for them to remain friends with their ex. This relationship is birthed out of the wrong motivation or instigation and can turn frisky quickly.
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They break up with you.
A betrayal of trust, even if it’s determined to be a lie by omission, can result in a split. While it sucks and may seem not fair, this is what’s at stake. This is why it’s almost always critical that if you are still friends with anyone you dated or were in a relationship with that you disclose that relationship to your significant other as soon as possible.
I gotta add one in between 5 and 6…
5.5. Your significant other insists on formally meeting your friend.
This can (at best) end in a zero sum. Nothing, I mean, nothing good can come from this.
I’m a firm believer in keeping my worlds apart.” If “my “relationship” world comes in contact with my “independent” world,…my worlds collide”. (Seinfeld)
What hypocrisy. If I got friendly with my ex after you reveal that you’ve been keeping serious contact then you can’t tell me my intentions are bad…You men are supposed to be the non-emotional ones so why are you secretly holding on to the past-First off. All sentimental…
Again being upfront while courting “I keep in close/other contact w/my big booty exes.” “Ok, thanks for lettin’ me know…..,BYE!”
OR…”Really? Me too! Even some of my hook-ups!..But you’re not the jealous type right?”
Love it!
I would say maintaining friendships with is just risky business, and it takes maturity on ALL ends. Staying friends with an ex because you secretly want backup p*ssy to stay on deck is a childish mentality, AS WELL AS reengaging contact with an ex just to spite the “current”. EVERYONE, as in bf, gf, ex, and all friends/family involved needs to accept that it is friendship ONLY. I completely understand those that aren’t ok with it. The conditions I mentioned are rarely met/maintained.
I read this, and I feel like there’s a world of difference between “being cordial” and “being friends”. For example, my last two exes contact me via text from time to time. No big deal.
Will we be grabbing drinks together? NOPE. I don’t exactly consider my exes friends, but I don’t hate them either. To be honest, I don’t see the need to keep exes as friends, let alone close friends.
I agree, drinks is friends, cordial is Hey, Happy BDay texts or on FB. If they are friends I would definitely have to meet her.
I still have a connection to my latest ex so if we are hanging out, that’s definitely a problem for the new guy.
Number 7. I said something about my ex contacting me and he spilled the beans that his ex been contacting him. I was like 0_o, really dude lol.
This is what taking your time with dating gives you. I learned to never date men with a friend they either, have slept with or willing to sleep with. There will always be that sense of ‘what if’ every time they are around each other.
So basically, you don’t date men? Because that sounds extremely insecure, not meaning to offend. There is a sense of “what if” everytime a human being with a go-getter personality walks out the front door. I know its been said to the point of cliche, but if you can not trust the man you are dating (either because you have trust issues or because his ACTIONS have led you to believe that he is untrustworthy) WHY are you dating him?
Maybe she worded it wrong. Take out the what if part. Im pretty sure my boyfriend wouldn’t like if I was friends with a ex (texting, calling, emailing, hanging out ect.) And I wouldnt want him to be friends with a ex either. Unless they have kids together there is no point.
I agree with you completely. To take your point a step further there are no guarantees for either side. If a woman has male friends or if a man has female friends, there is always a potential for something to happen. Usually if a man and a woman are in a committed relationship, the chances of a friend breaking them up are slim. But if the relationship is new or there maybe some hesitation on one or both sides, then a friend or ex could possibly develop into something more.