So, is this really about the mainstream media being deeply empathetic to the future spinsters of black America, or is it about the fact that mainstream society loves knocking disenfranchised people off of the pedestals they are forced to claw and scrape to climb atop? The longer they’ve been pulling themselves up, the better?
Perhaps this is just another way of saying, no matter how many books you’ve written, no matter how many barriers you’ve broken or much-deserved Emmys you’ve won, Black Woman, it is still up to the man who marries you to define you as successful. So stop being so fucking incredible, because he’s probably not going to like that.
Remember, you’re still beneath somebody.
It almost goes without saying that men have the privilege of living without a storm cloud of singleness perpetually pouring down on their happiness. The unnecessary pressure is unloaded onto women to find a husband who will make their success real. For God’s sake, miniseries are made about it.
But relationships aren’t that easy.
They’re not goals and they’re not accomplishments, they’re experiences. Albeit, gorgeous and sometimes life-long experiences, but winning an Emmy is not on par with being somebody’s wife. Even if she’s a really, really good wife.
Adelia Gibson, the only professional I spoke to who agreed to being identified by name, said this after discussing her dating woes:
“I am only settling for the perfect me. Any, and everything else becomes secondary. I don’t think marriage equates success and neither does the perfect career. I do want a relationship but not at the cost of my dreams, nor do I want to be the expense someone pays on the path to theirs.”
Talented black women should not be shamed into submission by the threat of being alone, especially when the trials they experience are simply a universal part of the dating process. The reality is, they are not at any more of a risk for remaining unmarried than anyone else, and even if they were, as Adelia said, coupling is not a sign of success, being one’s self is.
Celeste Little
Now I have an article to refer to when sistas feel down. Thank you
Great article. Thank you!