So that's why I'm still single

“I can see why you’re still looking for a man,” he said.

Let me set the scene of the crime, because you know the brother’s life was at stake as soon as the words left his mouth. It was a Sunday afternoon, right after church. The pastor had just preached on, “Supernatural Confidence.” At least that’s what I had before he spoke those words to me.

It started out as a pleasant conversation over business matters and trickled down into discussing the college kids at our church. He was apart of the scholarship ministry and I just simply asked why he decided to join. I began to ask more questions regarding how his ministry was preparing the kids for college because it’s a great concern of mine, particularly for our kids of color who aren’t groomed for that opportunity. He answered, “that’s what their parents are for.”
I was baffled and saddened by his answer and his lack of understanding regarding the needs of our kids! As legitimate as he thought his words were, he was talking nonsense, at least in my personal opinion. The neighborhood in which my church resides is considered low income, where majority of the kids will never attend a college, or even step foot on one. Now I will admit, I was constantly cutting the brother off because I was no longer willing to hear his point of view. That’s when he hit me with the Mike Tyson low blow.
Did I mention it was Sunday and right after a powerful worship service? It took God and all the angels in heaven not to lay that brother out across the altar, and not for prayer purposes either!

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How dare he say that to me! Because he was upset that I wouldn’t let him speak? Because I speak my mind and challenge men when necessary? Because he was being challenged by a woman, a younger woman at that? Because he assumed that I was actually “looking for a man”? Because I write a blog about dating and he assumed I was single?

After I told him how his over forty, still single, never been married, African-American self could take several seats, I kindly told him never to come for me again unless I sent for him. I walked away gracefully in my 5-inch heels, but I was hurt!

I was actually in a bit of a fragile place. I was coming off of a disappointment from a guy I’d been talking to and my confidence level was running a bit on the empty side. The word my pastor spoke was right on time and resonated with my spirit, but I couldn’t make it out the doors of the church before the words were snatched from underneath me.

But let me digress for just a second. I always find it interesting that men love to spew out the phrase, “that’s why you’re still single” when they assume women are being “too much” and just so happen to be single. But rarely do I find that women say that phrase to men who are also in the same boat, single!! It’s such a double standard! When did the defining reasoning for a woman being single be based solely on her strong willed demeanor and attitude, but a single black man over 40 who has never been married is simply single because he’s a hot commodity waiting to make his choice? Because he can’t possibly have any flaws, right??

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Although the brother apologized numerous times, I couldn’t help but go down doubting, insecure, memory lane. Was that really the reason I was still single? Am I too strong? Too overbearing? I’ve been told numerous times that I have a strong personality, and I do! I can accept that and embrace it. It’s never my intention to disrespect or disregard anyone or their opinions, but when something is important to me, especially if it’s a passion of mine, I will probably go for blood! It’s a blessing and a curse, but I promise you it’s in God’s hands. There is a time and a place for everything. Every battle is not meant to be fought AND won by Kristin, and I am learning that EVERYDAY. My personality speaks volumes, but I’m wise enough to realize when I need to give it over to God to curtail and smooth out some rough edges. And believe it or not, He’s been doing quite a bit of smoothing lately! That brother should have thanked his lucky stars!

I’ve heard that some men like a woman who is strong and outspoken, but I do understand that a man also likes a woman who is understanding, gentle, and submissive (in the most biblical and positive way). Some say I will need a man who is just as strong, if not stronger than me, to put me in my place, while others say opposites attract. Who really knows? All I do know is that I will put my confidence and trust in God as he continues to make this rock a beautiful diamond. And as for that brother, well we know why he’s still single, right?! LOL

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How do you respond when/if a man hits you with, “I can see why you are still single?” How does this statement make you feel?

Kristin is a single, 31-year-old minister, blogger, writer, and speaker who loves love and people. Seeking to do life and dating God’s way, while transparently sharing her journey; because “Transparency Wins Hearts” (Proverbs 28:13). You can find her writing at