Once upon a time…

The other day my patnah hit me up on IM and asked, “Do you ever think you’ll get married?”

The question kind of caught Mr. FAQs off guard because my daily conversations usually begin with current events/funny/random news and from there trail on to “did you hear,” sports and women. But as my mornings are the East Coasts and Central Time Zones lunches, and most everyone I chat to on the daily are on the East Coast and in the Central Time Zone, the question was semi-time appropriate.

As the conversation went on I thought more and more about what marriage and settling down meant. I eventually summed it up with an, “I don’t know.” But not because I feel I have more life to live or anything like that, just don’t know if marriage is for me. At least not the current Mr. FAQs.

Then I began to think about the concept of my “Erotic Biography” and how good my story would be if The Frog Princess was to come snatch me up in the blink of an eye. Your Erotic Biography is a phrase I came across in a novel I was reading once and is basically a history of your relationships. I suppose if you believe in this theory, you want to have a book a few hundred pages long before you put it to print.

Chapter One: The Affairs
This chapter is devoted to those relationships that never really went anywhere and life’s one night stands. They were never anything serious. Most likely a bulk of this chapter was written while you were in college: young, dumb, out of your momma’s house and horny. I few pages could have been written before then but the content would be worn down with tales of sneaking out and skipping movies with a mediocre climax. Others though, are late bloomers if you will and will spend their mid-late 20’s trying to catch up for lost time and add some pages. For chapter one, I’m good. Could have done more, could have done less but I’m satisfied and most importantly, not ashamed of the appearance of any young lady whose name graces these pages!

Chapter Two: The One’s who Got Away
The One’s who got away are just those….the ones who got away. For some this ended with a breakup from dating, for others maybe it was an end to a formal engagement. At some point the person and/or people in this chapter were those who you wanted to be with but didn’t need to be. In my younger days, this is the chapter I lived in, falling into infatuation at the mire glimpse of a face and aura and trying to build from there. These are those people you think about whenever you smell someone wearing Ralph Lauren Cool Women, taste a Slurpee, see a tea cup Yorkie, or hear a track off of Mint Conditions “Living the Luxury Brown.” Then you remember your not together for a reason and stop simpin!

Chapter Three: The One’s You Never Could Have Had
Despite the name of this category, these are not those people you saw on the street and was like “d**n! I got to get that!” Halle Berry and Lauren London do not get filed here. The ones you never could have had you know and know them well. They are not necessarily out of your league but rather are those relationships where even if there is a level of attraction, neither party gives in to or pursues. It’s cloaked in a silence that each ignores for a period, sometimes an eternity. This is the purgatory that most women I know are placed in, starting with my first grade girlfriend. I will keep them around knowing full well I can’t have their heart and at the same time having no desire for it. Their used for talks, flirting, dinner and chilling in order to hone the skills for the women of chapter two. Mr. FAQs believes in platonic relationships – even if initiated on a physical attraction and seething with sexual overtones. Because I slowly but surely move into the non-treating category, women that I never could have had eventually end up the mothers of the kids who call me “Uncle FAQs.”

Looking back I’d like to think my book is pretty entertaining – full of laughs, good sex, some tears and tender moments but over all little drama and confrontation because that’s not my style. But I’m still writing my manuscript, adding to the first two chapters and maybe some shuffling in the third if I’m lucky. How good is your Erotic Biography?