SBM: “How was your date last night?”
Lisa: “A complete waste of time! I don’t know where I keep meeting these whack guys at!”
SBM: “What happened? Ya’ll have been talking for like 2 weeks, you said he planned a real nice evening with you, and you two had so much in common. Was he boring?”
Lisa: “Nope.”
SBM: “Was the conversation whack?”
Lisa: “Nope, we vibe well.”
SBM: “Uh … is he really a pimp and he wants you to walk that Green Mile for him?”
Lisa: *gives me the side eye* “WTF … no”.
SBM: “So what made your date soooo horrible?”
Lisa: “His shirt had a ketchup stain on it from work!”
SBM: “So … ?”
Lisa: “What type of chic do I look like? You get one chance … and you better come correct!”
SBM: “You told me he was coming from work … give dude another chance!”
Lisa: “NO! I’m zero tolerance with these negros!”
R. Kelly peed on a girl … he got a second chance.
Whitney Houston got married to Bobby Brown, started smoking crack … but she got another chance at making music.
Soulja Boy made a second album.
Kanye West got a second chance at life.
OJ is still on the streets …
Ok … so those were all horrible examples … but there is one you just can’t argue with … God. God will take you in any type of way. Also, if you come to him, then go and f*ck up … he will take you back and forgive you. Jesus forgave the person who got him killed … that’s deep.
So can someone please tell me how we have all become more demanding than the all mighty himself?
As a result of my obsession with “dating, relationships, sex … and all that good isht”, people come to me alot with the “first date” analysis. Something I see time and time again is very little tolerance in “mistakes” when it comes to looking for a significant other. Whether its slightly dry conversation, wearing some mis matched socks, nails that weren’t done just right, or exchanging numbers with the waiter during desert (alright … that is a dealbreaker) its becoming apparent that people aren’t willing to let the small things go. If the person doesn’t wow, stimulate, seduce, and make you wet arouse you … they aren’t getting called back. No “let’s see how this goes” or even “they get one more chance” … instead its “I know what I want” or “there are other b*s on the corner fish in the sea”.
SBM is a proud advocate of the second chance when it comes to early stages dating (not so much later … but thats another post). Bad convo one time doesn’t mean their conversation sucks, and an ugly outfit on time doesn’t mean they can’t dress. It takes a lot for a first date to completely turn me off … because I understand “off days”. Sh*t happens …
Let me clarify though, not everyone deserves a second chance. If you met someone online and barely talked to them, if its a blind date, or this is the girl the escort service sent you first time your holding a conversation for more than 15 minutes … feel free to get up and walk away as soon as they misuse “depreciated” in a sentence. But lets be real … few people date like this anymore. If you out with this person, you’ve probably shared a few phone calls, shot back a couple emails, and talked about something of substance. If they managed to make it through the grueling preliminary rounds … then they deserve to get a pass on that ketchup stain.
I will admit … that no matter how hard the preliminaries, how good their phone and email game was, or how bad you want a man ready you are to find someone special … there are some certified dealbreakers that get no second chance. Here are a couple I’ve developed over the years:
He/She leaves you at the spot … and you didn’t drive.
They go home with the bartender/waiter/random dude in the back.
They tell you “Life on the outside is tough. I just got released last week and its crazy how much has changed in 15 years”.
You realize that your first cousins half way through dinner.
She tells you “Its so hard remembering to go to the woman’s bathroom … after the surgery”.
She invited you back to her place … but lets you know that it will cost double since its a weekend.
They brought their mom along.
If things are just horrible and everything that attracted you to this person over the phone has evaporated … then burn it up and keep it moving. But for an OK date … for a date that slightly disappointed … for a date that “could have been better” … don’t call it quits so soon. Maybe it was the lighting in the room …
Just so its known that I’m just talking … the first date with my gf was … so so (she knows this already … so I won’t be cursed out). It was … OK … but … eh. I agreed to a second as per the SBM policy … and lo and behold … she was just a little shy. Second date went great … and the rest is history.
Anyone ready to give up their elitist and judgemental ways? Anyone guilty of giving up he chance at something great over a guy in a pink shirt or a girl with a broken nail? What other deal breakers did I miss?
– The originator, none greater … SBM
deal breaker: foul breath! (I would try to help out by offering a peppermint, but dang… that should be on the check list before a date)…oh and lack of swag!lol
Ketchup stain huh… (how big was it…cuz that would explain her disgust) where does he work??… she should have known if she was warned about him coming from work. It shouldn't have been a deal breaker, I think; she must have been previously aware of his profession
Deal breaker – If I ask you a direct question and your response is a lie, that's a deal breaker. Most of the time I already know the answer and I'm testing to see if the man is going to tell me the truth.
Another deal breaker is a man who constantly talks on his phone while in my presence. It shows me "he's not that into me" so why am I wasting my time.
Ketchup stain wouldn't have been a deal breaker, but how did he handle it? Did he.. pretend like it didn't exist and hope I didn't notice… Did he.. self-depreciate and say "I'm such a klutz, I always get food all over myself" or Did he.. politely excuse his lack of a clean shirt and promise ketchup stains are not the norm.
Depending on how he handled it, or if I called attention to it, what his reponse was, would matter.
About 7 years ago I went out on a dinner date with a guy who excused himself to go wash his hands. I didn't. He didn't ask me out on a second date because I didn't wash my hands before dinner.
As the resident germ-a-phobe, if I didn't just wipe my behind, change a dirty diaper, pick my nose, touch a public door (he did open the door for me) or other "dirty" work.. chances are I washed my hands in the last hour and they are clean. At least as clean as yours will be after you go wash them then come back and touch your glass.. or the salt shaker.. or the ketchup bottle.. or your fork.
In any case, lesson learned.
Deal breaker for me – Being rude / dismissive / mean / snarky / to the waitstaff… so not ok.
ummm… this would insinuate that people are able to find dates…
ok, so maybe it's just me that can't. but in the highly unlikely event that i do date, i do try and give them second dates. the most recent date that i went out on was the second date and the deal breaker for me was the lack of etiquette that he displayed. we went to a nicer restaurant where you would typically place a napkin in your lap and not talk with food in your mouth. he opted to leave his napkin on the table and consistently show me his seefood–after he asked me if i was into etiquette.
etiquette, tact, adaptability, etc are all important to me because i can't be embarrassed by you. my date needs to understand the importance of a time and place for certain things and be able to adapt accordingly. surely if we had gone to mcdonalds then no napkin in your lap would have been cool.
Most of the time I will agree to a second date provided that the first wasn't completely wack.
Last year I had a first date with a guy who was 70 minutes late (his excuse: "Oh most people I meet up with aren't on time so I assumed you'd be late too). He definitely didn't get a second date. Unless a guy does something crazy like that, or makes me feel uncomfortable, he will probably get a second date.
wow..a ketchup stain young coming from work LMAO *speechless*….
to me alot of folks dating focus and criteria are a$$ backwards anyway…..
@Mel C, Sheila, and Running Mom: See … that's what I'm talking about. Quick to add to the dealbreaker list. Most of the stuff listed shouldn't be instant first date deal breakers.
@Mel: The person who has been making you giggle for the past week via phone gets dismissed cause he had garlic for lunch?
@Sheila: I share the hatred for phone talkers … but one time won't convince me its a habit (unless its really like 80% of the time).
@Running Mom: Really … the ketchup stain! Let it go.
If she tells me about her ex who is stalking her (I hate alleged stalker stories; usually a person trying to feel important) and how he pops up unexpectedly…end date…catch a cab, heifer.
If she has ashy feet…seriously. No second date and she'll be lucky if I make it through the first without knocking her down and dunking her feet in mineral oil
I'm with Ladebelle…. I can't get a date either. but from my experience meeting a few guys online… yea i know… the deal breakers for me are lying about your age (profile said 34 but he was totally over 43) and telling me you have herpes (EEWWWW).
On one blind date that a friend set me up on I could tell from the get go that he was still in love with his ex. We just became good friends, I helped him get back with her and now their married with a kid. ::sigh::
Oh and ugly feet on a man is a deal breaker.
The only deal breaker is if I see that I wouldnt like you. Now I can see that in many ways. You just corny. You got stalkers. And whatever else I dont like. I like to give people chances.
How do you feel about a third date if the first 2 were corny?
Why does this post sound like a conversation I had with my ex last night, lol.
It's nice to know that I'm still a muse. 🙂
I am pretty sure OJ is incarcerated. The ketchup chain probably would have jarred me a bit, but it's not a dealbreaker. I would just be thinking, man he didn't think enough of me to change his shirt or whip out a Clorox pen pre-date?
Sometimes you can have the "phone" /"text" / "e-mail" game on lockdown, but you meet them in person, and they just don't do it for you…
@Reign…most people in the United States have one form of another of the Ewwww "H." I'd like to thank a doctor for enlightening me with that tidbit so be happy that someone at least tells you..MOST don't.
@Peyso
Man, no third dates! If she can't hold your attention during the first two, why force it? I had a 1st and a 2nd "date" some 2 weeks ago. First date was cool. 2nd date…it was like sitting next to a buddy/cousin/sister…no poof, pop, pow…nothing. 3rd date? Nope.
@Anonon
If she texts all the time instead of picking up the damn phone or never has any daytime minutes, then I will X her. Yeah, it's petty, but too many humans hide behind their little phone devices when they could just pick up the phone and say "hey what's up?" F*ck text!
This is just one way dudes lose on first dates. I chronicle the rest HERE
Excellent post SBM! Second dates are off limits only if something absolutely unwarranted occurs. Ketchup on a shirt means shorty is extrememly high maintenance and dude is better off not takin chick out again!
Hmmmm…I don't have a set list. It's entirely ad hoc, basely on "feel." If something doesn't feel right, move on.
I'm kinda anal about keepin *my* clothes clean, but I have some friends, a sister, and current gf that have food-magnetized clothing so I don't sweat it too much.
As for excessive txting, I lived in DC for awhile and everyone is insanely busy so that happens. If the person at least says, "I have to answer this" then it's all good. If it happens more than 3x's I'll inquire about it. The answer may be the problem and the solution.
People put too many rules out there for dating. You are meeting a completely different person, things go wrong. It's chaotic out here for a playa(ette.)
If only one of them had invested in Tide To Go stain remover.
@ Stank -O
Some of the things that make dates go bad is common sense though, but if sense was common, everyone would have it, ya digg?
"You realize that you're cousins half way through dinner."
Damn. This has happened to me before.
I'm from the South. What can I say?
It's the whole concept of the "list" that has majority of black women single. We set expectations that are far from reality. Really what does that (whatevet "that" may be) have to do with anything? Seriously lighten up and live! So many demands and expectations lead down a sad and lonely road. The idea of a first date is just getting to know who a person really is. Awkward moments are going to occur, so what! Now I'm not saying that all things are acceptable, as mentioned deal breakers do excuse but live in the moment! Take the limits off dammit and take a risk–you might actually enjoy yourself. I find sometimes I don't get into the book or the movie the first time, but the second captures my attention.
@ Tiffany Nicole
Indeed and I wholeheartedly agree however the lists keep flowing.
CPT I agree with comment toward Reign, honesty is good cause them stats are off the planet….
Tiffany good words but me personally I have to at least be attracted..no attraction no point in going out…
I was trying to be brief with my post but it seems it's being misconstrued. Now, i don't think garlic breath from lunch would have subsided into our dinner date; I happen to like garlic so i'm usually lenient and would laugh it off and offer a mint!:)
However, as from previous experience, if your breath smells like you have 50 different species of bacteria having a feast in your mouth , and the smell is so repugnant you wonder when was the last time the brother brushed his teeth…it would break the deal for me! As stated, i would help him out by offering a mint so i wouldn't be distracted for the remainder of the date. Nevertheless, breath so repulsive that can potentially knock you out is a big no no for me. (my two cents)
I must agree with Tiffany N. on this (must be the fantasticness of being a Tiff). What's with all the lists? Here's a funny concept: instead of trying to find someone who fits your list, just try finding someone who you can tolerate – who can also tolerate YOU. It was just the attitude adjustment I needed and didn't really change any of my core criteria.
Plus, we all know the ketchup stain (and any other asanine reasons to not date someone) is really just a front for "no chemistry" and "I'm just not ready to settle down."
I'm from the DC Metro area – around here, finding a good man is like finding the perfect, specific piece of clothing on Black Friday. You have to get on your game early, be ready to push and shove if necessary, and will certainly need to compromise if you're going to get out with your dignity and sanity. Some women just love the "game" and consequently end up at the store forever – you can only take one item through the checkout and they can't make up their minds. But trust and believe, the garment you toss back due to a ketchup stain will fit someone else perfectly, and the stain will start looking like a design. And you'll still be hunting through the bargin bins….
(ok, I kinda fell in love with this analogy when I thought of it. Sue me.)
@ Anna N.
I hear women from this area say that all the time, however:
– try different malls at some point
– don't always rely on name brand, when a store brand can yield the same quality.
– If you're happy with what you've purchased than rip the tag off unless you plan on returning it within 30 days.
– You can try on an outfit, just make sure you're wearing clean undergarments that day.
– Remember that only a few places offer layaway. IF you don't pay your bill in full after the alloted time, your garment goes back on the rack and someone else might get it.
Thanks, CPT, for keeping my little scenario going. And your rules of engagement are good ones. Wait a second…scrolling up to see previous comments…
**Anna flashes back to a first date who swept her off her feet – then unceremoniusly dunked her in a vat of mineral oil.**
DANGIT! – CPT, WAS THAT YOU?!? LOL!
@Anna N.
I don't play around. Ashy feet, flipflops, hairy cleavage is a no-go!
@ Anna N. – "Plus, we all know the ketchup stain (and any other asanine reasons to not date someone) is really just a front for “no chemistry” – I totally agree, she probably wasn't feelin' him.
The only real deal breaker for me is if the person is a jerk or embarrassing me. Other than that, I just go with the flow. Even if it is someone I'm not feelin' like that, we usually end up just being friends.
@CPT: Come on … ashy feet. Let that sh*t go. I mean … we're talking about the first offense here.
@Peyso: Naw … second chance is it. No 3rd chance after 2 whack showings … calls are getting ducked at that point.
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