I have something to tell you … and you might not like it.

It might make you angry.  You might not want to believe it.  It might have you yelling at the computer “SBM … youz a dirty sumb*tch”.  Actually, to save us all some trouble, if you an over sensitive individual … come back tomorrow.  I don’t want to make anyone cry.

So what is this news … well … if the title didn’t give it away, I’m here to let you know one thing:

You suck!

And honestly … yo momma sucks too, yo brotha, yo auntie, and yo sista too!

And yes … your boy SBM sucks too (super pause).

So what am I saying? What little tidbit of non-relationship knowledge am I trying to dish out today? What’s my f*ing point?

We all suck … in some way.

As I continue to grow and mature into the debonair gentleman with the ability to move with his words and make panties fly off with the quickness, I have come to appreciate a modest person.  It’s refreshing to meet someone who is aware of their faults, doesn’t make a big deal of them, but realizes that they are flawed … and accepts it.  While you should always strive for perfection, and confidence is a must … don’t be that arrogant motherf*r.

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And lets talk about that arrogant mofo!  You ever worked with someone who just refuses to admit they made a mistake?  I mean, their section of the report is filled with errors, they messed up the entire schedule for the project, and their part of your task at work is incomplete and just shoddy.  And instead of “sorry, I’ve been under a lot of stress” or “my bad … my girl wanted to practice this new anti-gagging technique she found on the internet spend some time with me” … they blame you, their boss, their computer, and Obama.  Personal responsibility … “where dey do dat at”?

What about that girlfriend/boyfriend that just never does any wrong?

You: “So … how come you don’t have a job exactly?”
Them: “You know … recession and sh*”
You: “But you haven’t worked since 99′.  I mean … Clinton was getting domed up back then”

You: “So … why did you think it was ok to cheat on me”
Them: “It’s your fault you know.  You don’t spend enough time with me. You drove me to it!”

You: “So … why do you think it’s ok to disappear for two weeks and not say anything to me?”
Them: “I’m saying though … home ain’t fun no more.  It’s your fault. You changed!”
You: “Yeah I changed … we been together for 15 years … you sposed to be in for the long haul”

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You: “So … I’m not trying to be mean or anything, and you know I love you, but you literally gained 100 lbs in 6 months. I mean, this is just dangerous for your health”
Them: “It’s not my fault.  McDonald’s just opened up near the office and they got 4 nuggets for a dollar!  I mean … chicken nuggets … for a dollar!!!”
You: “They also got apple dipper’s and fruit and yogurt.”
Them: “You can’t eat that with crack sweet and sour sauce silly!”

And just to show that I’m not just talking, I present to you the: SBM List of things he sucks at:

  • Keeping a clean room … hell … cleaning in general
  • Not worrying about stuff.  I am not Mr. “Go with the flow” … at all!
  • Not giving women multiple orgasms.  I’ve tried to keep it down to like 3 at most … but it’s hard (no pun intended).
  • Keeping deadlines … even the ones I set for myself (blogging is a good example!)
  • Being extroverted. This might be a shock … but I’m shy. I’m the life of the party amongst friends, but put me somewhere where I don’t know anyone … sheeeeeeet.
  • Not buying electronics.  A lot of women love shoes and purses … I have 4  computers, 2 ipods, a new $250 cell every 8 months, and 2 xboxes.
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I want to thank you all for coming here and letting me tell you that you suck.  Turn to your right, and tell your office mate that they suck.  If there isn’t anyone there, go ahead and text everyone in your phone with them two magical words “you suck”.  Because … if you can’t accept and understand that you are going to suck at some things, and that you suck at a few things right now … then your lost.

So, how do you suck?  What facets of your life do you slum at?  Come on … don’t be shy … we family!

-SBM aka Mr. “No more SBM … my body can’t take another one” aka Dirty is the new clean aka Average negro

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