I was chatting with a few of my peoples recently about relationship dynamics and the importance of communication. A lot of folks out there would say that communication is one of the top three most important aspects of a relationship, if not the most important of all. I place communication right behind sex as most important. Just kidding. Seriously, I’m not that much of D*ck unless your name is @%^#*&#.
So today we’re gonna talk about communication. This stuff applies whether you or one of your friends was in a relationship. If you haven’t had the problem, you’ve heard about somebody else enduring similar tomfoolery. More than likely, you did a whole lot of nodding and mm-hmming and this will sound familiar. Men constantly complain about it, and some women are aware of it…
What is the deal with speaking in opposites?
Men are simple creatures. Women are simple creatures as well. Right. But let’s be real, there’s a whole different level of complexities with the woman thought process that conflicts the male simplicity that often comes across as being nonchalant, unconcerned, or uncaring. Now I’m not saying that there aren’t complex dudes out there that require being able to solve a rubik’s cube in order to understand them. I’ve been described as complex before, though I usually disagree and say “I’m really not that difficult to understand. Just don’t do things to piss me off.” I guess we all say that at some point(s). But as a man, I really need to pose this question to the readers:
What is the deal with women saying the exact opposite of what they mean and then gettin’ mad at dude for doing as they said?
I don’t know how many times a woman has said to do something or say something, and then I’ve done it only to be met with a batch of unpleasantnesses. I’d get yelled at. I’d get ignored. I’d get blocked on instant messenger/Gchat for a little while. Or, I’d see a Facebook status or tweet about me. That’s neither here nor there though. Why can’t people just say exactly what it is that they mean? We here at SBM like to use scenarios. So, here’s a scenario:
Slim: Hey, my homegirl Michelle with the track body is in town this weekend. I wanna grab lunch with her while she’s here. You wanna come (along)?
Boo: Who is this?
Slim: Michelle. Ran track with her. I’ve mentioned her before.
Boo: I thought we were going to the movies?
Slim: We are. Can we just go to the 330 showing? She’s only in town for a day then headin’ back to the West Coast.
Boo: Well, I guess that’s fine. Go grab lunch with her and then just come back and pick me up. I gotta do some laundry anyway.
Slim: Cool. *Smooches his boo and leaves thinking everything is okay.*
**Slim returns from lunch to pick up his Boo a little bit over an hour later and is met with an unpleasant surprise.**
Boo: Yeah. I don’t feel like going to a movie now.
Slim: Why? What happened?
Boo: Well since you had time to go grab lunch with your “friend” and didn’t really wanna bring me a long and go to the movie we planned, I wouldn’t wanna burden you with going to see a movie now. I’ll see what my “friends” are up to…
Slim: But I asked you if you wanted to go and you told me to go grab lunch and that you wanted to do laundry? This is ridiculous.
Boo: You didn’t sound like you really wanted me there. You should have asked me again. You know that I wanna meet your friends.
Slim: Can’t you just say what the f*ck you mean the first time?!?!?
Boo: Why are you swearing and turning green?
Slim: Cuz I take steroids you’re pissin’ me off! Run! You need to get outta here!
This type of ish drives me nuts. And yeah, folks can say “you should know her better than that and be able to read through the BS”. My response to that is simple and redundant…
Why won’t you just say what you mean!?
So to those who make this blog what it is, what is good with folks (particularly women) sayin’ the opposite of what they mean? Anybody have any scenarios to share? Agree? Disagree? Comment? Please do. Us men folk need the clarification.
Literally,
u know, it's not just women that don't say what they mean… men do the ish too…
to be honest, i don't think it's a communication of the sexes issue as much as it is a maturity issue.
mature people communicate honestly, immature people have trouble saying what they mean because they fear judgment, their egos, etc.
Funny…because I have the same issue with men…
Hmmm…
I am always thinking or saying…"say what the h* you mean, and mean what the h* you say!"
I think both men and women run into these issues..however I also think that the people who do this are silly and simple and they will ALWAYS succeed in pissing off their SO.
Ummm, I can't speak for all but what keeps me from saying what I mean the first time is the fact that the male might be turned off completely from what I said and so maybe fear of distance. However, I have learned it's better to get it all out on the table no matter how ugly because it will come out later in a not so nice fashion. So I've been working on it and doing pretty good…well kind of.
I do have to admit. I think women do this quite often. I have done it. I think, the reasons I may have done it in retrospect, are because, I wanted my SO to figure it out w/out me telling him. I think women alot of times want/expect men to be mind readers. Men simply aren't that intuitive. I learned the hard way just say what you mean because you know he is not going to get it/ask it/say it/do it…….I think, men in general are alot more forthcoming with their thoughts on things. Although, a really immature man won't. He will just go into silent mode and pout mode and I am left wondering what the heck is wrong. It all goes back to immaturity though because I did this more in my early years and I am wiser now so I don't really have time for guessing games as much these days….
"I have done it. I think, the reasons I may have done it in retrospect, are because, I wanted my SO to figure it out w/out me telling him."
This is the reason we cant get nowhere as a people. LOL. im the type that i can figure it out, but I'll still do as you say to teach YOU to be a person of your word and stop using double ententres (sp?)
Slim, this situation is def classic! It led to many a fights in my past relationships, and I just stop entertaining it which pisses them off eve more, lol
If you wanna know the type of double speak men and women use, check my Rosetta Stone:
https://singleblackmale.org/2009/07/22/women-a…
While I feel it’s my duty to point out that men are just as guilty of being confusing as women are, I think this whole speaking in opposites is definitely a woman thing. The main reason women do this is so that they can feel like martyrs, and men just need to learn to read between the lines.
In Slim's scenario, if his girl had told him "Hell no you're not going out for lunch with that track-running whore!" he'd probably be angry and she'd be the controlling b*tch that just can't let Slim live. Instead she plays it cool and what he was supposed to say next was "Oh you’re so nice and easy-going, I'd much rather be with you. Why do I need to go eat lunch with what's her face?” But he didn’t do that and now she can be mad because (in her mind) she gave him the opportunity to not go, he chose to go anyway, and she’s now the victim. What – that doesn’t make sense to you guys??
lol @ Max. Your interpretation is one that I have dealt with before as well in a different scenario. I think where men allegedly confuse women is with the actions vs. words thing. What seems obvious to us seems invisible to yall unless we write it out in big letters and draw hearts all around it.
But Max….
now that she is mad, she is controlling anyway. The only way to not be viewed as controlling would have been to shut her piehole and support Slim.
Assumptions stop expecting brothers to just "figure it out" just say how you feel and let the chips fall how they may.
I do think most women speak in opposites a lot. However, I am not one of them. It always amazes me when I meet a guy who has obviously dealt w/ a lot of women who don't say what they mean. I am sitting there, looking this man in his face, telling him exactly what I mean and then he does the exact opposite probably thinking to himself, "Yesss. I got it right this time." When the truth is he got it completely wrong b/c I said what the hell I meant to say the first time. I didn't want him to do the opposite. I think I've had this problem (at least at the beginning) in my last three pseudo-relationships.
I'm prolly one of your ex's and we just don't know it.lol. I was trained to do the opposite of what I was told for a while. I still struggle with it at times. **sigh** It's a vicious cycle of despair.
Vicious cycle is right b/c I continue to get men who do the opposite of what I say. I'm quite simple.
& Slim I'm sure we haven't dated… lol. Your other blogs on here tell me you know a thing or two about <del>doing the grown</del> being an adult. I've yet to stumble across such a man.
amen! but this doesn't just go for relationships between men and women. it can be used for everyday interactions between people in gerneral. saying what you mean eliminates the BS that comes from misinterpretation.
the scenario you gave is classic. lol as far as i know no one on earth is a mind reader. i don't have time to read body language or try to guess what you're feeling when you could easily open your mouth and tell me exactly what you want or what you are feeling. i make it known that double talk or hidden agendas won't go very far with me because i'll take exactly what you say at face value. so to save yourself a lot of frustration and anguish you better just say what you mean and mean what you say.
I'mma try to be simple today and say what I mean: I remember this post from ThreeWays, Slimmie!
Are you telling me that Slim is recycling old stuff over here …
Is SBM gonna have to slap a ninja???
I don't know what Cheekie is talking about.
Oh, you gon' have me get all Inspector Cheek-seau up in here?
http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/saywhatyoumean/
o_O (for the purpose of this comment alone, this is my "AND. WHAT!" face, not the side-eye")
I knew something about that conversation seemed very familiar.
I think I'm most offended because I didn't get the bolds that the original had.
*DEAD*
cant condone snitchin tho
@SBM,
Yeah, what was familiar to me was when he did the strike-through of the "Michelle
with the track body". That cracked me up originally and it still does today. So, uh, props to you, Slim? 😉@Streetz,
LOL, I don't condone snitchin' either. Especially since that's not what I did. That ish was up for the public to see. *sticks out tongue*
@Slim,
Even though you get a #recycleFAIL, think of it this way, your posts are so memorable, that it's hard to recycle them. Oh, right…you want me to say what I mean? Ok, then, what I meant to say was, "TREATED!"
How do I get a #recyclefail on my own post written 10 months ago and shown to a much smaller audience at the time? I could see if i jacked someone else's post and put it up.lol. Dagger through your livers.
I also think its a maturity thing. I don't have an SO, but…the times when I didn't say what I meant, it was because of immaturity or because I was just too stubborn. When it comes to the guys I date, I may not say what I mean because even though I seem like Miss. confident/ funny/sexy/sweet/ MBA chasing go getter on the outside, on the inside I just don't always feel comfortable asking for what I want from a/my man. Like Ladebelle said, for fear of judgment/ego and in my case, the desire to avoid being disappointed.
I used to operate like this 24/7 and if I felt a certain kinda way about an issue, I would just swallow it or just be distant, never bringing up whatever the issue was. I don't want to come off as someone with too many expectations or needy or whatever, especially if we are "casually dating".
As I become more comfortable with myself, it gets easier to just say whatever IT is. Its too much work to pretend you're okay with something, and its even more work to censor what comes out of your mouth when its how you really feel.
My SO and I had this conversation on a recent trip. We were at a jewerly store (at his suggestion) looking at rings. I noticed when I like a specific style he would walk away or act like he was looking somewhere else! I took note of it and slide it in my back pocket for later discussion–I'm not the type that will punk you in front of ANYONE. I keep private conversations, well, private.
So after mutual spending, in the car I pulled my card. His response, "I didn't wanna hurt your feelings." I thought about it, he was really serious about it. My response, "NEVER hold back because of how you think I feel." I would personally rather know upfront what we workin with. Now I know it's way easier said than done, but its a living principle in my life. I hate playing that dumb ish. We grown people and we need to be on one accord. No this is not a license to be nasty and tactless. It's a step of maturity to say what you mean and mean what you say. You don't have to be emotionally charged in every conversation. Just be simple, direct and clear.
See, the problem that I run into is that I'll be straight up with a guy and ask just what I want to know (not even comin @ him all crazy, either), then I get the…"Well, what are you trying to say?" talk….cuz he just EXPECTS me to come @ him with ulterior motives. I do what y'all want, and I still get the side eye. SMH. I typically don't have the time or the energy to think of another way to get the information I want from you, but because of what you already expect, I STILL don't get my dang answer.
Iv'e had the SAME issues with men. I'm also guilty too….but I can say that with age and maturity, I have learned to "say what I mean" the first time and if I think he doesn't understand, it's my job to make sure that he does. I believe communication is key.
Wait a sec… am I the ONLY one who notices that dude sets it off by omitting "the one with the track body" from his description of his "friend"? And why is he asking his boo if she WANTS to come along instead of just telling her she should come along to meet his friend? Um, maybe because he honestly doesn't want his boo meeting his friend with the track body. No doubt women can be complex creatures, and I get that frustrations are being expressed here. BUT duplicity in communication is a human thang I think. I agree with earlier posts that with maturity we learn (hopefully?) how to say what we mean and mean what we say without being mean (and yes, that includes stop asking folks questions we really hope they'll say no to).
A way of not being the controlling b*tch, the girl could have said "Oh crap. I didn't want to hit the cinema later than what we planned. Well, you can go see your friend but if you do, we'll go see that movie another time". And most important, without any agressivity cause that happens and i can understand that you don't want to miss your friend. BUT, i won't change my plans if i don't want to. That's it.
I mean, i just speak my mind and that prevents me a lot of that annoying frustration feeling.